Hilarity Ensues Episode 3, part 5.

As Bonny Anne had said, the next day they landed. The planet, or at least the section they could see from the high windows in the dressing rooms, seemed uninhabited, barren rock and swirling sand. Ruth wondered why they had landed. What could they possibly want from here?

The landing, despite Will and Zoe's earlier fears, had gone fairly smoothly. There was something of a bump as they touched down, but nothing like the awful shuddering they had experienced when taking off. Some of them wondered if perhaps Will's skills as a pilot weren't all that could be desired. Not that it seemed to matter now.

The girls were uncertain what to decide about their future. Should they join Queen Argent's crew of pirates, or allow themselves to be sold as slaves? "Slavery's a hard life, an' an early death," Bonny Anne had said. She had spent some time with the girls, telling them more about what a pirate's life was like. "But our life`s nay easy either. An' since yedasn't know much about space set sail, an' come from a planet that`s so backward, I dasn't know how well ye`d fit in. An' then thar`s th' Code. Sometimes I wish I`d had a choice, that I didna be havin' t' obey...but that`s life. Nothing`s fair."

"Didn't you get a choice?" Rachel asked.

"How could I? Me mother be th' Pirate Queen! I grew up a buccaneer, 'tis all I`ve ever known. An' now I be a criminal, wanted in six systems. Thar`s nay life fer me other than th' one I lead. I be condemned t' lead it till I die, or be captured. An' so alone..." She turned away from the surprised girls. "On yer planet, be thar lasses who live happily wi' men? Or be all relationships like th' things me mother described? Be all men unfaithful, untrustworthy lyin' slime, or be thar some ye can trust? Do ye b'lieve in love, or be 't all jus' some big con as men use t' get power o'er lasses? What be this love?"

They looked at each other, unsure what to say. How could they convince this untaught, scarred pirate of things so far outside her experience.

"I love Ernest," Emma said eventually. "I believe that love is real."

Ruth looked sideways at Sarah. After she had found out about Will's alien origins she had been horrified, but since the pirates had attacked Ruth had sensed a measure of forgiveness, of a second chance developing.

"Love is real," Ruth said. "It doesn't always work out, sometimes things go wrong, but it's real. People aren't perfect, neither men nor women, and sometimes they both do things wrong. But it's worth having your heart broken to know love. And believe me, I know."

"I think as I understand," Bonny Anne said. "But...be 't worth riskin' yer life for?"

"Only you can decide that," Ruth said.

"Would ye?"

Ruth didn't answer for a moment, thinking. "Yes," she said finally. "If I loved someone enough, I would. Because I wouldn't be happy if I didn't."

Bonny Anne said no more, but as she left Ruth thought she looked thoughtful.

The Amazon, Queen Argent's ship had landed beside them. From the windows the others could see the pirates meet outside and confer amongst themselves. Then all but two of them headed off into the distance on foot. The two who were left- Bonny Anne and Jimdrick- headed back into the Hilarity. The prisoners assumed that the others were going to collect whatever it was they had come for- although they still had no idea what it might be- while these two had been left as guards. It didn't seem to matter very much. Their dilemma was still before them.

The pirates disappeared into the distance. The prisoners were alone with their thoughts. For an hour or two (although Earth time, like everything else, was meaningless now) there was peace over the two ships.

Then the prisoners heard the doors at the end of the corridor being unlocked. Nothing strange in that, it was presumably Anne or Jimdrick coming to check up on them.

In fact, it was both. They seemed excited as they called everyone together in the green room.

"The others have gone t' look fer buried treasure," Anne said excitedly. "They won`t be back fer some time. In th' mean time, we`ve been discussin' things an'...we want t' escape. We`re goin' t' launch this ship, get away from here an' th' Pirate Queen. We`ll release ye, an' ye can drop us off somewhere on yer way. Be that alright wi' ye? Ye`ll be free!"

"Well...of course," said Emma. "That's...great. But why? What's made you decide to do that?" Jimdrick and Bonny Anne looked at each other and smiled.

"Well, we be alone together jus' now, an'...I finally told Anne that I loves her..." Jimdrick said shyly.

"And I told Jimdy I loved him too," Bonny Anne said. "So we thought we`d take th' chance t' get away, before th' others come back."

"Congratulations," Ernest said, looking slightly puzzled, but trying to conceal it.

"Well then, let's be off," said Bonny Anne, making a move towards the doors.

"Hang on though, what about the other two?" Sarah said. Will and Zoe were still being kept prisoner in the other ship.

"They kidnapped us," Marie, one of the girls' chorus, said. "Why should we bother about them?"
"We can't just leave them as prisoners," Adam said.

"We need them," Tom agreed. "We don't know how to fly the ship, or how to get home." They all looked at Bonny Anne and Jimdrick.

"Well then," said Bonny Anne. "We`ll be havin' t' go an' get them from th' other ship. Jimdy, ye take a couple o' these lads t' free them while th' rest o' us get ready fer take off." She turned and went downstairs. The former prisoners stared after her, trying to take it in. A few minutes ago there had seemed no hope for them, and now everything had changed!

Or had it? Even if they escaped the clutches of the Pirate Queen, what would happen then? Could they trust Bonny Anne and Jimdrick? With Will and Zoe back and able to fly the ship, could the G&Sers take control if the two ex-pirates refused to set them free? But given the choice that faced them if they remained, what did they have to loose? Their recent experiences had made them perhaps less cautious than they had been before leaving Earth. Going along with Anne's plan seemed the best thing to do.

"We'd better go and get the other two," Nick said, looking at Jimdrick. He nodded, and Nick and David followed him down the stairs. The others hurried down to the foyer- sorry, the bridge.

Ten minutes later Jimdrick, Nick, David, Will and Zoe hurried in. "The others be coming back already!" Jimdrick said despairingly. "`Tis nay good! We`ll nere get away without them followin' us!"

"They're on their way back? How far away?" Bonny Anne said.

"About ten kliks, I would guess from the scanner," Zoe replied. She and Will were still confused as to exactly what was going on, but almost anything was better than being held hostage.

"Well, at least we can get a start on them," Bonny Anne said grimly. "Nay second thoughts?" No one spoke, even Jimdrick who seemed the most nervous and on edge. "Then prepare fer lift off."

The ship began to shake, then shot suddenly upwards.

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 3, part 4.

At the direction of the young woman Ruth had observed earlier talking with Argent and the old quartermistress, the Earth-dwellers were taken upstairs and locked in their dressing rooms. There they sat, worried, confused, afraid, staring at nothing and occasionally trying to talk about something to take their mind off things. But it didn't work.

Then there was the tramp of feet in the corridor outside and they were all herded into the green room, men as well as women. The pirates checked that the door to the shuttle bay- the lift, they had once thought- was locked and then they withdrew to the corridor outside the doors. The young woman Argent had addressed as Anne remained, and behind her stood the young man Ruth had noticed yesterday.

"Sit down," Anne said. They did as they were told. "My name be Bonny Anne, Queen Argent`s first officer an', incidentally, her daughter. This be Jimdrick, our apprentice. I know what ye`re thinkin', that he`s a man an' we only take women aboard. Thar be...a bit o' a misunderstanding."

"My nurse- she`s Queen Argent`s quartermistress now, Ruthless Rachel, an' I be th' only survivors on a spaceship th' pirate queen took, oh, fifteen or more years ago when she be jus' startin' ou' in th' piracy business," Jimdrick said. "She took th' option o' joinin' th' crew rather than death, an' t' save me life, she pretended that I be a girl, her daughter. So th' queen let us stay, an' we became part o' th' crew."

"My mother be lookin' fer someone t' look after me, what wi' all th' piratin' nay bein' conducive t' good mothering," Bonny Anne added. "I think she liked th' idea thar would be another child fer me t' play with."

"But when me voice started t' break, an' me beard started growin', they realised what had happened. Queen Argent be so angry she nearly killed us both. But by then I`d been formally apprenticed t' them. So she decided that rather than kill me, 't would be a worse punishment never to release me from th' apprenticeship, never to let me qualify as a full crewmember, never to let me leave. I be stuck here, part o' Argent`s crew, as good as a prisoner, nay hope, nay life o' me own."

"She can be cruel, can me mother," Bonny Anne agreed. "That`s what ye`ve got t' expect if ye join up. She`s more cruel than any other pirate cap'n- crueler than Greenbeard, or Cap`n Quartz, or th' Dread Pirate Bobby. Maybe because she`s a woman, an' men dasn't expect 't o' a lass, but we can be crueler than men if they let us. An' thar`s nay one t' stop her."

"Why is she so cruel?" asked Rachel. "Why did she become a pirate?"

"And why are there only women in her crew?" Charlotte added.

"`Tis all part o' th' one story," Bonny Anne said. "When she be young- about sixteen- her father tried t' marry her off t' some rich young man. But she spake she wouldna be havin' 't. Th' suitor came an' tried t' convince her t' marry him, but she be adamant. So eventually he got mad an' raped her. She told her father, but hejus' spake that now she`d be havin' t' marry th' rich man.

"So she ran away from home an' stowed away on a spaceship goin' t' th' same planetary system we`re headin' fer now, Caribbeana Minor. Thar she stowed away on another ship, but found ou' too late that 't be a pirate ship, under command o' Cap`n Jacques Swallow. Well, when he found th' lass', he took pity on her an' taught her th' trade. But one night when they all be drunk he took advantage o' her, then when she found that she be pregnant he denied 't be his an' tried t' kill her. Well, he`d trained her too well, an' 't be her that killed him. She ordered all th' men off th' ship, an' vowed that from then on she`d only voyage wi' lasses.

"It took a while t' earn her reputation, but now she`s th' most feared swashbuckler in th' Galaxy, an' that`s nay mean claim. Thar`s a strict code that governs how th' ship be run; nay men on board 'ceptin' prisoners, nay romantic liaisons wi' men, all th' crew be havin' t' forswear mankind, on accoun' o' they only create trouble. All her pirates be true t' her, true t' th' code, an' true t' one another. Break th' code, an' if ye`re lucky ye`ll walk th' plank. I say lucky, on accoun' o' thar be things Queen Argent`ll do that be worse than death."

"You may lay to that," said Jimdrick.

"What do you mean, walk the plank?" Tom asked.

"Pushed ou' into space, unprotected. Do ye know how long 't takes t' die in a vacuum?" The listeners shuddered. "Or ye might be keel hauled, thrown ou' into space on a line. Ye may be pulled back in before ye die...or ye may nay. Or if ye`re really lucky, ye could be marooned- left alone on a deserted planet wi' nay way o' escape an' only a little food. An' one shot in yer laser gun..."

No one said anything. "That`s what will happen if thar`s any trouble," Bonny Anne said. "Now, I be assumin' none o' ye ha' been t' space before? Ye dasn't know how th' ship works?" They shook their heads. "Then I dasn't be seein' that ye`ll be any trouble. I`ll be havin' th' doors at either end o' this corridor locked, so ye can move about. I be nay as cruel as me mother." She smiled at them. "Tomorrow we`ll land atSindia West, along wi' me mother`s ship, th' Amazon. Thar`s somethin' thar we want t' collect." She and Jimdrick exchanged a knowing look, then left the room.

The others looked at each other. "I'm not sure she is less cruel," Ernest said. "She's clever, and knows that you can control people by fear as well as pain."

"Shh," Emma quietened him, as Jimdrick came back into the room with a box of food.

"Ye needn`t be afeared o' me," Jimdrick said. "I be nay fan o' Queen Argent`s. Ye`ve heard me story. If 't wasn`t fer Anne I`d try t' escape, I wouldna e'en care if Argent found ou' an' killed me."

"If it wasn't for Anne?" Emma asked.

"I love her," Jimdrick said sadly. "She`s me captain`s daughter, an' I love her. But I daren`t speak t' her about 't. E'en if Anne could possibly love me in return, how could I put her life in danger by speakin'? If Argent got t' hear...she`d kill me, an' maybe Anne too. An' if Anne didna love me...she`d tell Argent, an' then I would die but I wouldna care. Without Anne, life be worthless." He put the box down and left.

"Poor lad," Agnes said.

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 3, part 3.

The Queen was a tall woman, not skinny but not fat. She held herself up regally and strode confidently into the foyer. She wore clothes that were definitely feminine in shape and style, but that didn't hamper her movements. Over a red knee-length tunic and black tights she wore a long tail-coat, black with silver edging and decoration on the cuffs, collar, lapels and hem. Her hair was long, and was pinned up on her head in an outlandish, carefree fashion which only accentuated her fierceness.

She was followed by her crew. Ruth and the others noticed with surprise that they were all women, dressed similarly to Argent, only less flamboyant and perhaps less fierce. Except for one. Last on board, and with an expression of put-upon, down-trodden depression, was a young man, about their own age. At first glance it was hard to tell that he was any different to the others, for he too wore the tunic and tail-coat, although in his case it seemed that he had outgrown his clothes. He also had long hair, although his seemed to have escaped its pins and cascaded down his back- or rather, in the absence of gravity, floated about at all angles. It was the long, untidy beard that gave him away.

"Who be th' captain?" demanded Queen Argent. " An' be quick about it."

Will reluctantly stepped forward, casting scared looks at Zoe. "I am," he said.

Queen Argent looked at him. "You're rather young fer command, aren't ye? Where's yer first officer?"

"That would be me," Zoe said, stepping forward.

"You`ll show me quartermistress here round th' ship, an' dasn't ye go tryin' t' hide anythin' from us, we`ll find 't anyway. 't jus' saves time."

A stout- that was the polite way to put it- woman who looked somewhat older than the rest and whose tunic was somewhat longer stepped forward, took Zoe by the arm and with a couple of the other pirates set off up the steps to the auditorium.

The Queen turned to Will. "You will give me th' names an' homeport planets o' all yer crew an' passengers."

Explaining the situation took some time. The pirates seemed quite excited to hear that nearly all of their captives were from Earth, a planet they knew very little about, apart from the Queen who remained unimpressed. Zoe and Will had explained that many of the civilisations across the galaxy looked on Earth in much the same way the nineteenth century empire-builders of Europe had looked on people in more 'backward' parts of the world- as quaint, unspoilt, primitive cultures inhabited by natives who were likened to children in their ways of living. They crowded round, almost as if the G&Sers were exhibits at a zoo. A taste of what was to come if they ever reached Bognor, Ruth thought gloomily.

The pirates were less thrilled to discover the ship's port of origin.

"You be Bognorians?" Argent demanded.

"My sister and I, yes."

"Your names? Clan?"

"Rawerkj and Jegsdda Rdircahpaerrds." Will looked up at the queen. "Of the royal clan. Our father is King Fafkhrkj of Bognor."

"Ye`re th' king`s children? His heirs?" The Queen looked interested for the first time. "Well now, that could be interestin'...ye know he`s ill?"

"What? No, we didn't. Badly ill?" Will sounded anxious.

"Oh, aye." She smiled. "I be sure his people would be horified t' hear that his children an' heirs had fallen into th' hands o' th' Pirate Queen. Especially after our run-in wi' yer ships not so long ago. Dasn't ye think they would be most distressed? Willin' t' pay any amount- an' smartly- t' get them home safely?"

"I couldn't possibly comment," Will replied. He appeared shaken by the Queen's news. Sarah moved forward, and took his hand.

The Queen turned away thoughtfully. The quartermistress reappeared with Zoe, and began talking to the Queen in a low voice. Another pirate, much younger than Argent but with some similarities in appearance joined them. Will told Zoe the news, and she too was upset. "But at least it might get us released quicker," she said. "The Queen's right, they'll pay anything to get us back if dad's really ill."

"What about us?" Sarah asked.

"That depends on her," Will said, turning to look at Argent.

At that moment the Queen and her advisor appeared to come to a decision. She indicated Will and Zoe, and two pirates moved forward and grabbed their arms, twisting them behind their backs.

"You`ll be held t' ransom, an' I expect a pretty penny or two fer th' pair o' ye," Argent said. "Take them away." The pirates forcibly marched them into the airlock and into shuttles, ready to transport back to the pirate ship.

"As fer th' rest o' ye, ye may be interestin' curiosities but I doubt anyone'll pay our prices t' ransom you." Their hearts sank. What was to be their fate?

"All th' men on that side, all th' lasses o'er there," Argent directed. They obeyed, fearful.

"Now, I be a generous lass," the Queen said to the women, ignoring the men, "I dasn't like killin' fer killing`s sake. But ye`re nay use t' us as prisoners. So I`ll give ye a choice. We`re always willin' t' take on new crew. We only take lasses, an' only them who be willin' t' abide by our Code. O'er th' next few days ye`ll learn about our Code, ye`ll find ou' what we do. Then ye can choose: join us, or when we next touch at a slave market ye`ll be sold as cheap labour. `Tis a hard life, an' most only survive a voyage or so. In other words, join us, or die. Piracy's nay a bad life. An' contrasted wi' respectability, 'tis comparatively honest. Th' Galactic Trade Organisation be corrupt t' th' core."

She turned to the men. "For ye, thar`s nay choice. `Tis th' slave market fer ye. Any trouble, an' in fine buccanneer tradition ye`ll walk th' plank, ou' into space."

"That goes fer all o' you," she said, turning back to the women. "We dasn't tolerate mutiny in this ship`s company. Ye join, an' ye sign up t' obey me orders, an' I dasn't give second chances. Fer I am a Pirate Queen!"

"You are!" the pirates chorused. "Hurrah fer th' Pirate Queen!"

"An' 'tis a glorious thin' t' be a Pirate Queen," Argent said. She turned to return to her own ship. "Anne, lock them up an' keep them safe. An' be seein' that them lasses learn our ways."

The story continues...
Translation provided by http://www.syddware.com/cgi-bin/pirate.pl

Hilarity Ensues Episode 3, part 2.

Will pushed a lever and pushed some buttons. The ship accelerated off on a new course.

"Pirates?" asked Rachel, incredulously. "In space?"

"Why not?" said Ernest.

Zoe interrupted them. "My watch, come with me to man the defence systems." She led the way up the steps and those who were in her watch followed as fast as they could.

"Is there anything the rest of us can do?" asked David.

"You and Nick strap yourselves in and take over the control desk," Will said. "Follow my instructions and do exactly what I tell you. We might have to do some tricky maneuvering to get out of this. Tom, keep an eye on those monitors over there. Tell me if the levels start dropping. The rest of you, keep a look out on all sides and standby to repel borders if they get through the airlock."

"But what do the pirates want?" Rachel asked.

"This part of the galaxy is poor, and there's not much security, no police or effective anti-piracy action," Will said. "Pirates flourish here, preying on the ships that pass through to trade. They'll take anything on board that's useful to them- spare parts, trade goods, money of course, and prisoners to ransom."

"A sort of galactic equivalent of Somalia," said Patrick.

"If it wasn't for the fact that our main sonic cannon has been turned into a work of modern art outside Wentworth College, we'd be fine. They'd never dare attack us if we still had that. But now...we're in real danger."

Zoe's voice crackled over the communications system. "All ready at our posts," she said. "But honestly, Will, I don't think we've got much chance."

"We've got to try," Will replied. "Good luck everyone."

By now their opponents were coming into view behind them, chasing. Ruth and the others looked back.

"They're catching us up," she said quietly. The enemy ship was getting larger. Painted on its side was a burning rocket, and beside that a black area with a skull and crossbones. It seemed this was the universal symbol of piracy. But the paint on the skull and bones wasn't white. It appeared to shimmer, like silver.

"Oh no," said Will quietly.

"What?" asked Zoe anxiously, over the comms.

"We've got no chance," he said. "Not just pirates, but the worst pirates of all- the pirate queen!"

"Pirate Queen?" Agnes said incredulously.

Zoe swore. "Well, I'm not giving up without a fight," she said. "Open fire!"

The automated guns mounted on the balcony outside the ship burst into action. Ruth and the others watching saw the cloud of weaponry reach the other ship and burst across its surface. Yet when they were able to see clearly again there was little damage visible, some scratched paintwork and a few tiny pits in the metal surface.

Then Ruth saw one of the guns on the other ship moving. "I think they're getting ready to fire," she said, sounding more calm than she felt.

"Hold on, everyone," said Will. There was a last moment or two of peace, then the ship rocked violently, as if something had hit it, but no missile was visible.

"Sonic cannon," Will said, reaching for some controls.

"Any damage?" came Zoe's voice over the comms.

"It doesn't look like it," Will replied, studying a screen. "Nothing major as yet. But we can't take many more hits like that before the atmospheric shield's at risk."

"Returning fire," she said, and again their weapons burst into life. But they were no match for the other ship's bigger cannon.

"It's no good," Will said. "We can't get away and we can't hit back. We've got to surrender. Once the shield's down we'll suffocate!"

The others were exchanging looks of horror and fear.

"Isn't there anything..." Adam began.

"No. It's no good."

A loud voice came through over the comms. "This is Argent, Pirate Queen, feared for light years around. You have no choice. Surrender yourselves and your ship now, or you will regret it!"

"She speaks English?" Rachel said, incredulously.

"That's hardly the most pressing point, is it?" Will snapped. "Zoe, we've got no choice. I'm going to surrender."

"I suppose you're right," Zoe said. "I've scratched some of the silver paint off her skull, anyway. I suppose that's the best we can do, missing our cannon."

Will turned a dial in front of him, and spoke into the microphone in the computer. "This is Rawerkj Rdircahpaerrds, currently captain of the ship Hilarity. We surrender."

"I'm sorry," he said to the others, looking around.

"It's not your fault," Ruth said. She wondered why she felt pity for him- it was he who had kidnapped them and got them here. Really, it was his fault they were there. I'm just too nice, she thought.

"What will they do with us?" Tom asked. Will shrugged.

"Keep us for ransom, I guess. It depends what mood the Queen's in. When she's mad...there are stories. Ships that put up a fight and she killed the whole crew, other ships that put up such a good fight that she set them free as a mark of respect. Ships that surrendered, and everyone survived, ships that surrendered and no one survived. It all depends on what she feels like- and how much she can ransom her prisoners for. You guys are rarities, genuine Earth-dwellers, so she could claim a lot for you, but will she think anyone will pay it? I don't know."

"And you and Zoe? I suppose as royalty you'll be fine," Adam said. Will shrugged again.

"She can ask a high price for us, it's true, but some ships from our world nearly destroyed her last year. She may decide that revenge is sweeter than cash."

Zoe's watch had made their way back to the bridge now. Everyone stood around, watching as shuttles left the pirate craft and made their way across. They docked, and the first pirates emerged into the airlock.

"She's come herself," muttered Zoe. Everyone shrank towards the back of the bridge as the doors opened and the Queen entered Central Hall.

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 3, part 1.

A pirate, horror!

Ruth awoke. After two nights in the hammock she was starting to get used to it, although having no day or night made it difficult to sleep. She supposed she'd get used to that too eventually. Although she was still worried about what her family and friends back home would be thinking, now that she'd had time to think about it she was no longer as upset about leaving as she had been at first. Most of her friends were here, and for a while at least she was free of worries about jobs, money, housing, all the grown-up pressures that crowded in on everyday life at home. And she felt that she had very few people who would miss her, or who she would truly miss. Her parents, of course- she felt terrible that they wouldn't know what had happened, or that she was safe (well, at the moment); and a few other friends. Goodness knew how the authorities were treating the incident- the disappearance of a building as big as that and so many people without trace! But some of the others had left girl or boyfriends behind, and others were closer to friends and family outside the society than she was. "I guess I've been part of it so long that these are my closest friends, my community," she thought. "Although I can't say I'd have chosen to spend the rest of my life with them, unable to escape- and that seems entirely likely now."

Once everyone had settled down a bit and begun to resign themselves to their situation, Will and Zoe had allocated them into teams or watches to help with all the jobs that needed to be done to run the ship.

"We're a bit overcrowded," Zoe said. "We intended to bring back twenty-one specimens, which would have been quite enough, but then of course there were you two." She indicated Claire and Agnes, the two stowaways.

"It's not our fault," Claire said. "We didn't ask to be kidnapped!"

"So anyway," Will had said, trying to move the conversation on. "There will be two watches, one with Zoe in change and one with me. That means everybody gets some time off and some time on duty. We'll split you into smaller teams for particular jobs as necessary." He pinned the list to the noticeboard in the green room, and everyone crowded round to see who they were with.

"Also," Will continued, picking up a bag that he had brought with him, "You will all be given one of these bracelets, and you should wear it at all times around the ship, as far as possible. It's got a communication device so you can speak to each other wherever you are and your watch leader can speak to you. We'll show you how to use it, but it's fairly simple- a bit like a mobile phone. It also links to the teleport system, but since that's broken it really doesn't matter if you don't know how to use it."

"You have a teleport?" Matt asked. "Where?"

"In the green room," Zoe said. "But it's been broken for months. The wretched Estates department at the university kept saying they'd supply the parts needed, but they never did..."

"That sounds like Estates," replied David.

Ruth had found herself in Will's watch, along with Tom, Patrick, Adam, the two stowaways, Charlotte, Emily, Rachel, Sarah, David and Nick. The girls were to sleep in one of the two dressing rooms which had always been used by the girls, with the girls in the other watch occupying the other, while the boys did the same with the two men's dressing rooms. Although, Ruth though, things would probably not stay segregated for long, knowing this lot. Will and Zoe apparently had their own little cabins, tucked away at the side of the building.

Being something of a mother figure, she kept an eye on the others in her watch. Many of them were unusually quiet at the moment, unsurprisingly, even Rachel, who was usually quite a chatterbox. Emily was the youngest there, a first year who hadn't been in the society long. Ruth had spent some time talking to her and Charlotte, who was one of the older people there, although she too was relatively new to the society. Adam had sat and talked with them too, or rather he had listened most of the time as was quite a quiet person. Claire had sat- or floated- for a long time that first day beside a window, looking back at earth with her head resting on her hands. Ruth wished there was something she could do to help her, but as so often she didn't know what to say. She wanted to give Claire and all the others who were hurting a big hug, and tell them that things would be alright, but she couldn't. Things weren't alright.

And it seemed they were soon to be even less alright. She emerged, cautiously from her sleeping bag-come-hammock and washed- something else that took some getting used to in zero gravity- and with some of the others went in search of Will, to find out what they should be doing. They had just reached the steps down into the foyer- or the bridge, as she was starting to think of it- when an alarm rang out around the building.

"Everyone to the foyer, everyone to the foyer," came Zoe's voice over the speaker. She sounded worried, afraid. They hurried down the steps to find Will and Zoe at the controls and a few of the other watch standing around a screen, looking worried.

"What is it?" Charlotte asked.

"Pirates!" Will answered.

The story continues...

We apologise for the delay...

but the blog "Hilarity Ensues" is delayed by approximatly goodness knows how many days. We apologise for the disruption to your journey, and hope you have a pleasant blog-reading experience when episode three finally arrives.

Coming soon...

A pirate(ship)! Horror!
Men in women's clothes.
A most ingenious paradox.

Hilarity Ensues Episode 2, part 5.

Ruth looked up into the auditorium. Floating high up near the roof were two people, both looking scared. Their relief on seeing Ruth and the others was evident. Ruth moved up- it was almost like swimming- to greet them.

"What's happening?" asked one of the two fearfully. It was Claire, one of the technical crew. Like most of the techies, she came along to the odd society event in between shows, but only really spent much time with them as a whole during show week. As such, she probably wouldn't have come across the 'cult' or been brainwashed like the others.

The other stowaway was Agnes, a friend of Ruth and Tom's who had been part of the society a few years ago. Ruth remembered that she had been going to come to the evening performance. Presumable she and Claire had come into the hall just before the doors had been sealed, and then been trapped, wondering what on earth was going on.

"It's ok," she said automatically. The situation, in her opinion, was very far from ok, but since there was nothing they could do they might as well make the most of a bad job. The curtains around the windows at the top of the hall were floating up, and they could see the stars.

"You're not going to believe it," Ruth said. "It's...quite a story. We're in space- well, you can see that. Central Hall is actually a spaceship that was hidden on campus by two aliens who then joined G&S and hypnotised everyone so they could kidnap us." It sounded stupid. Agnes and Claire were staring at her, unsure whether to believe her or not, then they looked out at the stars, and remembered that they were floating, weightless, near the roof of the auditorium. They looked at Ruth and the others, and believed them.

"When the gravity went, and we suddenly started floating- we were so scared," Agnes said. "I'd met Claire outside and we came in through the fire exits backstage. We'd just come in when we heard a click, and the door must have locked behind us, and then something slid over it, like a seal. Anyway, we went up to the green room but there was no one there. We heard people in the auditorium and went to look but the building started to shake. When we got to the auditorium it was empty. Then the shaking got worse so we sat down and then...that must have been when it took off. And then after a while the gravity went, and we thought something had gone wrong..."

"It's just that the gravity generator takes up a huge amount of power- it's done with electromagnets- so we switch it off when it's not needed." Zoe had followed them up into the auditorium.

Ruth introduced them. "Agnes, this is Zoe. Although that's not her real name..."

"You can keep calling me it, though," Zoe said. "I like it."

"She and her brother Will- that's not his real name either- are the aliens who did this."

"Why?" Claire asked.

"We like G&S," Zoe said, lying back on nothing and relaxing. "I'd forgotten how comfortable zero gravity is."

"But...I mean, how do we eat? And sleep? And...wash, and stuff?" Ruth asked.

"You'll be surprised next time you go to the toilets," Zoe said, smiling knowingly. "There's some equipment you won't have thought of. As for eating, that's fun. Most of the time you can make do with just being careful and holding onto things. Or we can switch the gravity on just in the green room or the foyer to make things a bit easier. Sleeping," she lay back again, "well, you can either float free, like this, or we have these things that are a cross between hammocks and sleeping bags and you can tether yourself to something so you know you're going to wake up in the same place you went to sleep. Me, I like the sense of adventure from not tying it to anything. But it's up to you. You'll soon get used to it."

"But what about our families and housemates and stuff?" Agnes said. "If I don't go home they'll be worried, they'll phone the police..."

"They're not exactly going to be able to catch us, are they?" Claire said, depressed. "I'll never see my Andy again..."

"You'll get home eventually," Zoe said, sitting up. "I'd better go and check the autopilot." She floated off.

Ruth watched her go. "They say we needn't worry, that they'll get us home eventually, after we've visited their planet," she said. "I don't know if I trust them any more, but we've got to believe them. There's no choice but to hope." She drifted over to the window and looked back at the small bluey-greeny-white blob that was dropping further and further behind.


The story continues in Episode three...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 2, part 4.

Ruth had turned back to the window. With tears streaming down her face she watched as her planet receded into the distance. Patrick came over and looked out of the window next to her.
"We're in space," she said. It sounded stupid, obvious but somehow there didn't seem anything else to say. It had started out as just a normal last day of show week, looking forward to the final performance and the crash, and now...everything had changed. Her voice was full of amazement and awe as well as fear. "In space. In Central Hall."

"I always said Central Hall looked like a spaceship," Patrick said, with a smile. Ruth smiled back. "And all we have with us is our costumes and props. Do you think Will's people will want us to perform The Mikado for them?" They laughed, a slightly unnatural, forced laugh, but still a laugh.

"We've got the food and drink for the crash," Patrick said. "At least that's a bonus."

"You would say that," Ruth replied.

"So long as we don't drink and fly- then we really could Crash," Patrick said.

"Don't you ever take things seriously?" Ruth said, pretending to be more exasperated than she really was.

"No," Patrick replied. "Not unless I really have to."
"And this doesn't count as having to?"
"Well...it's not going to help, is it? So there's no point, really."

Will and Zoe had gone to check on the ship's progress. "We've done our best to keep her in working order," Zoe had said, "But sitting around for so long without moving's not good for the poor thing."

"So this thing might not even be safe," Ruth had heard Ernest mumbling. "Great. Wonderful."

The others had drawn together at the far side of the foyer and were talking together, while keeping an eye on Will and Zoe.
"What are we going to do?" asked Tom.
"I don't think there's anything we can do," Nick replied. "We can't get off this ship, we don't know how to fly it back and even if we did I don't think I'd dare, if it's in as bad a state as they seem to think. We've just got to go along with them."
"But what about our families- what are people going to think?" Charlotte said.
"Goodness knows," David replied. "But we've just got to hope that they decide to let us go, and that it's sooner rather than later."

"But- I mean how long is this going to take? It could take years just to get there!" Tom said.

"If those two only came for a year, I don't think it can take all that long," Nick said.

"You could just ask," Zoe said behind them. "It should take us about a fortnight to get home to Bognor. We may have to stop to refuel- I'm not convinced the stuff we synthesised on your planet is of a high enough quality to get us all the way home."

"You made your own fuel?" Tom asked.

"From the lake water," Will said. "I was pretending to be a chemistry student, remember? It was an ideal disguise for what I had to do. The right chemicals 'accidentally' got leaked into the lake and transformed it into fuel. The scientists down there didn't know what to make of it- they thought it was just pollution! I have to say, though, I didn't expect quite so many geese," he said. "And as for the black swans..."

"But you don't need to worry," he said, leaving the bar- or bridge, or whatever it was. "At first, yes I have to admit I just thought of you as potential specimens. But then...I got to know you, to see you as people. Zoe thinks I'm a bit crazy," he admitted, "but sometimes I wish I was one of you. I really liked being part of your community, joining in the shows and socials and everything. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to hurt you, honestly. I wanted to take something of what you were, what you had, with me when we left."

"I'll make sure you're not mistreated, that nothing happens to you. You'll be treated like royalty in Bognor Regis- like celebrities. And when you've helped us improve our culture, become more Earth-like, you'll be provided with transport home. I promise you that."

They had no choice but to hope he was telling the truth. A compromise was reached: they would not try to attack Will and Zoe, or hinder what they were doing, and in return they would be allowed their freedom. "But if you do anything that would cause us danger," warned Zoe, "We'll have to lock you up, for the good of the ship. The conditioning won't work now you know how to break it."

"I'm still impressed you worked that out, that you were able to fight it off," Will said. "It'll be an interesting study for my research."

"Is that all that's important to you?" asked Sarah. "Your research? I thought you loved me, but really it was just research?" She was sobbing, upset, over at the side of the room, with Emma and Natalie trying to comfort her.

"No, that's not...I do..." Will said, going over to her. She turned away from him. Annoyed, he turned back to the control terminal on the bar. There was an awkward silence among the others.

"One thing I don't understand," said Ernest, "is why boredom?"
"It is the state of openness of mind," Zoe replied, "Of contemplation of spiritual matters- that is what you mean by boredom, isn't it?" The others looked at each other.

"Well...not quite," said Ruth.

"Close," said Ernest.

Will was faffing with the controls on the bar. "We should switch off the artificial gravity to conserve power," he said. Ruth realised that she hadn't even considered that they should have become weightless once they had moved away from the Earth.

Will flicked a switch. For a few moments the change was hardly noticeable, then Ruth began to feel herself drifting gently upwards. The ceiling of the foyer was not high and she was worried that she would crash into it, but she was able to reach out and push herself away as it came close. She looked around and saw everyone else floating as she was- apart from Will, who had pulled out a kind of harness and strapped himself to the bar.

"What's that?" Adam asked suddenly. From the auditorium they could hear the sound of shouting. Everyone fell silent. "Is anyone up there?" Tom asked. Looking round, everyone seemed to still be in the foyer, clustering together to try and draw comfort from one another in the terrible situation they were in.

"Someone must be," said Ruth. She tried to make her way towards the stairs up into the auditorium. It was tricky, she hadn't quite worked out how to propel herself in the weightless situation.

"Shall I switch the gravity on again?" Will said.

"No!" Tom replied. "If there's someone up there and they don't know- they could get hurt!"

Ruth managed to reach the steps and almost swam up into the auditorium. The shouting came from above her. She looked up.

"Oh," she said. Patrick and some of the others had followed her, and looked up too. "It's ok," she shouted back down. "I think we've got a couple of stowaways."

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 2, part 3.

"Why?" Adam said. "Why have you done this? Hypnosis, kidnapping- why? What do you want us for?"

"My people are great admirers of earth culture," Will said. "So sophisticated- considering your rather backward technological development and the mess you've made of the planet. So they decided to send an expedition to study your culture, from the inside as it were.

"Unfortunately, not everything went to plan. Our sources suggested that York would be a good place to start our research- a city of much history and culture. But the landing was a little- awkward."

"You botched it," Zoe said. "You know that funnel shaped lump of metal outside Wentworth? The one they say is modern sculpture? That was our main weapons attachment. And those weird balls of cogs near Goodrick? And the bent bits of metal on the hill next to the lake? And-"

"Yes, I think they get the picture," Will interrupted. "I did my best. I didn't want to land on any ducks."

"You should have let me do it," Zoe complained.

"I passed my pilot's licence three years before you," Will said. "Anyway, we landed, and began our research. We had a year to complete our work. To start with we weren't having much luck, then I saw a poster advertising your summer show and thought it might be worth joining your society as a way of getting close to people and being able to experience Earth live. It worked, too. I got no end of useful information. So in October Jegsdda decided to join too. Everything was going so well, it seemed a shame we'd have to leave at the end of February- as your calendar describes it."

"But- hang on," Tom said. "Are you saying that Central Hall only appeared on campus last Easter? Because it didn't, it's been there forty years! I've been at York uni for the last 6 and I've been in it loads of times before last March..."

"Indeed it has been there forty years," Will said, smiling. "You see our technology is rather more advanced than yours. Once we had identified York uni as a suitable base for our research, we used our temporal drive to send the ship back in time to when the campus was being built. So it has been there all this time, the memories you have are real. But you do not see all of the ship- certain parts have been hidden. Hidden right where everyone can see them, just unnoticed, accepted as part of the building, little quirks that no one bothers to explain. Like the fact that you all knew there was a storage space in the roof of the building- but that no one ever knows what is kept there. Like the fact that the plans of the hall show blank areas labelled "ventilationplenium " and "plant" but no one ever knows quite what they are for. All those strange little quirks that don't make sense. For example, in all the times you've been in here, have you ever seen the bar open before now?"

They all shook their heads. "I suppose that explains why the acoustics are so odd," Patrick said, trying to produce a smile in the tension.

"And the electrics," said Bill. "Even the porters and technicians don't understand them."

"You mean you can travel in time?" Tom asked in amazement.

"Not people," Zoe replied. "That's far too dangerous. But inanimate objects, yes. We sent the ship back in time, but we stayed now. And of course the ship was here too, because it would still be here when it got to now."

"I see," said Tom slowly. As a physicist, he found the idea interesting and challenging. But there were more important things to worry about.

"Can you take us back?" Emma asked.

"I'm afraid not," Will said.

"What!"

"Well, not now, at least," Will said. "Entering the atmosphere of a planet is difficult and dangerous- I'm sure you know that. As you probably guessed, our suspension is somewhat in need of repair- if anything goes wrong with the landing this time it would really go wrong and we could smash the ship and kill everyone on board. And even if we could land, I'm not sure whether we'd have enough fuel to lift off again. But as well as all that- Zoe and I can't go home without you. If we land, we'll probably never take off again, and we want to get back to Bognor."

"You mean we can't get home?"

"No. I'm afraid not."

"Don't you have some kind of emergency craft?"

"Of course. It's what you've always thought was the lift. But you won't all fit in it."

"So we're trapped."

"I'm afraid so."

Several people had already been on the verge of tears. This was just too much. Everyone was afraid, everyone was tense.

"Why did you do this to us?" shouted Sarah.

"It was part of our research," Will said. "It was a condition of our funding. We were to bring back some, er, specimens."

"Specimens? We're specimens for your research?"

"Not just that," Will said hurriedly. "Cultural consultants, if you like. We will return you home eventually. We want to learn from you,to understand how your society works."

"What, the Gilbert and Sullivan society?"

"Why us?" Emma asked.

"Well, like I said...you're a society. You can teach us how to run our society..."

"I think you've got confused between society, as in a club, and society as in a culture and...oh what the hec, it really doesn't matter," Ernest said. "So that's why you hypnotised us; so you could kidnap us and take us off to your planet."
"We'd thought it would be best, would cause you all less trauma. You wouldn't know what was happening until we were well out of danger. But that didn't quite go to plan- I overlooked you four." He indicated Ruth, Patrick, Tom and Adam. "And I didn't realise that you'd fought quite that much- you must be very strong-minded. And it took longer than we were expecting to prepare for take off. We wanted it to take place during boredom, and then while your minds were open, bored, I'd give a command, just before take off, for you to go to sleep, and you would. Then when we were out in deep space I'd wake you up- probably not all at once, just in case- explain the situation, and everything would be ok. We didn't want to have to use force to get you to come, we hoped that once you were presented with a fait accompli you would agree to come along for a while."

"It doesn't look like we have a choice," Ernest said.

"What do you mean, use force?" David said. "Your weapon doesn't work."

"That one doesn't," Zoe replied. "We do have more than one. And before you get any ideas, they're hidden and locked away."

"So we're not just trapped," Patrick said. "We're prisoners."

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 2, part 2.

"Atmospheric controls functioning."

"Thrust stabilisers locked in."
"Fuel levels stabilised."
"Shields at maximum."

The majority of the Gilbert & Sullivan society had watched in amazement and horror as Central Hall had risen vertically into the air, great jets of steam shooting out below them and blast drying the now drained lake- accidentally cooking a few ducks who had been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

They had gone on rising, higher and higher. Some people had turned away from the windows in terror. Ruth kept staring out, even though she was afraid, as the building- or was it a building?- continued its ascent until it was high above the clouds. The earth was getting smaller and smaller below. First of all buildings and cars looked like toys, then she was unable to individual buildings, then the whole countryside began to look like a satellite photo.

Ruth stared at York Minster as it grew smaller and smaller, then at the city of York as that too grew so small as to be unidentifiable. Then she looked up, and caught her breath. The stars were rushing towards them, faster and faster, tiny points of light that were so far away that even as they rose towards them they became no larger. It was beautiful. She looked back down. The Earth was now so far below that she could see the curvature of the globe. From flat, it became a curve, then the curve grew into a ball. Ruth looked down. It was so stunningly beautiful that she almost forgot her fear. Almost.

"Sufficient altitude reached."
"Course set, and autopilot on."
"We did it," Will said, releasing the last lever and turning to Zoe. "Just. I didn't think the suspension had gone quite as badly as that."
"Landing's going to be interesting," she said.

"Hopefully we'll be able to do some repairs before we have to land," he replied.
"Excuse me," said a quiet voice that nonetheless hinted that there might be danger in ignoring it, "but would it be troubling you too much to explain what the hell's going on?"

Will and Zoe turned to see that David had picked up the weapon Zoe had been brandishing earlier and was now aiming it at them.
"Oh, yes. Sorry," Will said. "And you can put that thing down. It's not worked for months- even if you know how to use it."
"Then why were you telling her not hurt us?" Emma demanded.
"I didn't want her to get angry. Have you seen her when she's angry, armed or not?"
"I don't think we know anything about either of you. I get the impression that everything you've told us is a lie," Ernest said. "What is going on?"

"First of all, what about breathing?" Tom asked anxiously. "How much oxygen have we got?"

"You don't need to panic," Will said. "We breathe oxygen too. There is a recycling system, and a backup system, plus emergency supplies. And there is food, and water- more recycling systems, obviously- and hygiene systems, and everything necessary. We're not idiots, you know."
"What are you- who are you?" Ernest asked.

Will and Zoe looked at each other. "My name," Will said, "is Rawerkj Rdircahpaerrds. This is my sister, Jegsdda Rdircahpaerrds."
"And cousin. And aunt," Zoe said.

"How can you be his sister and his cousin and his aunt?" David asked.

"It's all a bit complicated," Will- none of them could remember, let alone pronounce his real name. And as for spelling... "Families among us aren't the same as they are with you."

"Who do you mean by "among us?" Tom asked.

"We are not from your planet," Will said.

"I think we'd kind of guessed that," Ernest replied.

"We are from a planet in the solar system of the star Dkafka. My father is the ruler of that planet. I am, as you would say, a prince."

"What is the planet called?" Adam asked.

"Bognor."

"Bognor!"

"Is there something wrong with that?" Zoe said.

"No, no...nothing," Adam said. "Er...does it have a meaning?"

"Beautiful planet," Zoe said.

"I...see," Ernest said.

"Our home is in Bognor Regis, capital city of the Bognorian kingdom- you're laughing!"

"I'm sorry," Emma said. "Only...there is a town on earth called Bognor Regis and...it's not known as a very nice place. It's nothing personal, I assure you."

"I hope not," Zoe said. "You wouldn't like it if we put you in the airlock and opened the doors..."

The others took a step back, then David spoke.

"I think you're forgetting something. There are only two of you, and lots of us. You said that thing doesn't work, so I think we have the advantage here."

"On the other hand, we are the only two people who know how this ship works," Will said calmly.

There was silence for a couple of minutes. The spaceship- it was clear now that this is what Central Hall was- continued its ascent. The Earth got smaller and smaller. Ruth looked at it. What was going to happen? Would they ever return?

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 2, part 1.

Here's a how-de-do!
They all stood there at the bottom of the two staircases and stared. The bar that stood in the middle of the foyer, normally locked and closed with shutters, had been opened up. But rather than taps and bottle holders, it was full of strange and oddly shaped machinery, small glowing screens and buttons, dials and switches.
In the midst of it all sat Will. He was concentrating on one screen in particular, with one hand on a large dial and the other on a lever set into the side of the bar.
"What the...?" asked Ernest, looking at the machinery in wonder.
"Will, what are you doing?" Sarah, Will's girlfriend cried. Will looked up.
"I suggest you all find something to hold on to- now!" he said loudly.
"I suggest you explain what the hell is going on," David replied angrily. Will didn't reply, but concentrated on the screen in front of him. David stepped forward, followed by Ben and Nick, but before they could get near him Zoe straightened up from where she had been bent down behind the bar. She was holding a large metal rod with a box on one end. They didn't need to be told that it was a weapon.
"Stop there, and do what he says," Zoe said. Patrick looked at her, trying to work out if she had been hypnotised. But the expression in her eyes was totally different from that of the others when they had been chasing them. He didn't think she was. Suddenly he remembered the first voice he had heard when he woke up after the conditioning. He hadn't been able to place it before, but now he knew. It was Zoe.
"Don't hurt anyone," Will said. He sounded stressed, and was concentrating hard on the screen and dial.
"Don't hurt anyone?" Tom said incredulously. "You hypnotised us against our will and tried to force us to do what you wanted! And now you say don't hurt anyone!"
"Listen, just do what he says and find something to hold onto. We'll explain later. You'll regret it if you don't..."
All this time the building had continued shaking. Patrick remembered the old story that the hall was slowly sinking into the lake. Was the shaking connected to the draining of the lake? What was Will doing?
"I think we should do as he says," Emma said, looking from Will's face to Zoe's. Slowly the others spread out across the foyer and found things to sit on or hold on to. A screen had slid across the doors, Patrick noticed, trapping them inside. What was happening?
Zoe had turned back to the bar once the others had moved away, but she still kept the weapon close to her. She too was peering at a screen, and her hands moved across a small keyboard.
"All clear," Zoe said.
"Almost there," Will replied, "NOW!"
The shaking increased to a point where Patrick was sure the building was going to fall to pieces around them. Someone screamed. Natalie clung to Ben, who put an arm around her and tried to comfort her, but without much conviction. Ernest had drawn Emma close to him, but that didn't stop them both looking apprehensive.

Will was counting. "Ten...nine...eight..."

Tom had run to one of the emergency exits and was tugging at the bar, but it wouldn't open."
"It's stuck," he cried.
"No, they're locked," replied Zoe. "Opening the doors now would be very dangerous."
"Let us out!" David shouted.
"Hold on!" Will cried. "Five...four..."
"What's going on?" Tom yelled.
"Two...one..."
Will pushed the big lever next to him and the movement of the building changed. The shaking ceased.
"Lift off!"


The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 1, part 5.

Freeing Natalie and Ben wasn't as difficult as they had feared. When the others tried to explain to them what had happened they were confused and angry. Then they all crept back along the corridor into the green room. The girls in there looked up, confused at so many people breaking the rules of boredom, but they too were quickly freed. Since Ben had a torch as well, and Tom was able to retrieve his from his bag, they now had four. Charlotte, feeling better although still with a headache, came through to join them and they discussed what to do next.

"You said everyone else was in the auditorium?" Tom asked Charlotte. She nodded. "How many people?"

"Well, Ernest, Emma, Will, Sarah, David, Matt, Zoe, Rachel, Nick...and Emily's somewhere around."

"That's thirteen. And we're eleven," Tom said.

"What about Rick?" Ruth said. "And Claire?"

"And Rob?" said Adam.

"Claire went out to get food," Patrick said. "She's not part of all this."

"I think the others were in the auditorium too," Charlotte said.

"There's too many of them," Tom despaired. "We can't just go in and shine torches at them, they'll stop us before we can free any of them."

"Will used the room lights on us, didn't he?" Adam said. "Couldn't we do the same?"

"The stage lights!" Ruth exclaimed. "If we can use them then we could get everyone at once!"

"Does anyone know how to work them?" Charlotte asked.

"I do," Ben said. "What's the pattern we need to flash?" Ruth gave him the piece of paper where she'd written it down.

"I'll need to get round to the lighting desk at the back of the auditorium," Ben continued. "And it'll be easiest if we can get everyone onto the stage, then the lights are shining directly at them."

"Can we create some kind of diversion that gets everyone onto the stage?" Ruth asked.

"We've got to be quick," Natalie said. "There's only ten minutes of boredom left, and then they'll find out what's happening."

"Charlotte, you go in first, because they won't suspect you," Tom said. "Tell them that there is an order that they must all go down onto the stage. We'll follow you. If they listen to you, they'll come down to the stage, and if they work out what's going on they'll come down anyway to try and capture us."

"Ben, you try to get round to the lighting desk and flash the signal as soon as you can," Ruth said.
"Take the torches anyway, just in case we can use them," Tom said. "Everyone ready? Then let's go."

They went down the corridor and out through the side doors into the auditorium, Charlotte leading. Looking round, while trying to look as though she was still hypnotised, Ruth saw that the people Charlotte had named were indeed there. But someone was missing- Will. Well, we can deal with him later, Ruth thought. Maybe it'll be easier if he's not here now.

"You must all come down onto the stage at once," Charlotte said. "That is an order from our leader." A few people started to do as she said, but the majority looked suspicious.

"There are still five minutes of boredom hour," David said. "You are breaking the rules of boredom."

"What's happening?" asked Emma. "Why have we got to go onto the stage?"

"Uho," said Patrick behind Ruth. Emily, the other sentry, had appeared through the curtains from the backstage area.

"What is going on here?" she asked. "You are all breaking boredom! I will inform the Leader."

"Stop her!" Tom shouted.

"She doesn't know about any order- it's a lie!" David cried. "Stop them!"

Everything happened at once. Charlotte and Patrick grabbed Emily and began flashing the torch in her face. David, followed by most of the others who were still under the influence of Will's hypnosis, hurried down onto the stage towards those who were free. It was chaos. The stage became a struggling mass of cast and technical crew, of flashing torches and flying scarves- well, just one scarf.

Ruth looked up and saw that Nick and Matt had intercepted Ben as he was trying to get to the lighting desk. He was struggling, but he couldn't escape them.

Ruth tried to shake off the people she was struggling with and ran down the steps to the floor of the auditorium. She crossed the floor and headed up the steps to where Ben was struggling.
"Get to the lights," she heard someone shouting, but she didn't have a clue how to work the lighting desk. She glanced over her shoulder at the struggling crowd on stage. The free people were getting the worst of the skirmish, and unless they could do something soon their chances didn't look good. She pushed herself into the struggle between Ben, Nick and Matt, trying to give Ben a chance to get away.

Then suddenly a bright light came on over at the other side of the auditorium. It swept across the auditorium, growing brighter and changing size, until it was pointing directly at the stage. Ruth looked round, and saw that Tom had reached one of the twofollowspots they used for highlighting main characters.

Then it began to flash. Ruth realised that it wasn't being switched off and on, but that Tom was covering and uncovering the beam with a piece of board- she wondered where he had got it from until she realised it was a "No Flirting" sign that had been used to dress the set.

People on the stage had stopped struggling and were covering their eyes. Matt and Nick had momentarily stopped struggling to see what was going on, and then Nick started to run towards Tom.

"What do you think you're doing? You'll break the spot!" he yelled. Ben ran after him to try to stop him reaching Tom, while Ruth had got out her torch and was flashing it in Matt's face.
It was a struggle, but finally he swayed backwards, the look of waking sleep in his eyes replaced by confusion. She looked round. Ben was holding off Nick while Tom continued to wave the board in front of thefollowspot's beam. Down on the stage people were staggering back, looking around them in confusion, while others tried to explain what had happened.

Ruth helped Ben free Nick, then climbed to the top of the auditorium towards Tom. "Well done," she said. She looked around. Was anyone missing? She still couldn't see Will. And Zoe seemed to be missing too...

"What'?" she asked suddenly. A loud and piercing alarm had suddenly started whining somewhere in the depths of the building.

"It must be a fire," Tom said, hurrying over to a set of the emergency exit that punctuated the top of the auditorium at intervals. He pushed against the bar, but they wouldn't open. Ruth pushed aside the curtain of the window that ran around the top of the hall and looked out. By this time Matt, Nick and some of the others had joined them.

"What?" she said again. The lake that almost surrounded the hall was being drained, and quickly too. Already most of the water-if you could call it water- was gone, and the frames of rusty bicycles and the stump of the fountain which, for health and safety reasons, wasn't used any more, were visible. A few ducks and geese wandered about disconsolately.

"Come on," Nick said, and everyone raced down to the auditorium floor. The whole society, cast and crew, poured down the steps from the auditorium into the foyer below-
And stopped in shock. The foyer was as they had never seen it before.

"What!" Ruth said a third time, as the whole building began to shake.


The story continues in Episode 2...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 1, part 4.

"Stop her," Ruth said urgently, launching herself at Charlotte. Adam wasn't far behind her. It was hard, because they were fighting a battle within themselves as well as trying to restrain the struggling Charlotte. Tom had taken off his trademark super-extra-long megascarf and threw it around Charlotte, gagging her and trying to stop her struggling. But it wasn't working very well. Ruth wasn't very strong, and Adam was not the sort who generally got involved in fights. Charlotte had managed to get her mouth free and had opened it to shout when Patrick, who was still struggling to wrest control of himself from the suffocating influence, knocked into the struggling group and caught Charlotte off balance, knocking her backwards so that her head hit the wall hard. She slid down the wall to the floor, where she crumpled into a heap.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," Patrick said, crouching down next to her. "I didn't mean to hurt her."

"Is she ok?" asked Adam. Ruth shut the door, then knelt down next to Patrick, and felt for Charlotte's pulse.

"She's ok," she said. "Just stunned." She looked up. "I know it seems wrong, but we should tie her up. We don't want her screaming when she wakes up and letting everyone know what's happened."

Tom handed Ruth his scarf, and she began tying up Charlotte, firmly but not uncomfortably. Patrick still looked dazed at what he'd done. "Find some material and soak it in cold water," she said quietly to him, nodding at the sink which graced the dressing room wall. "We'll put it on her head to help the bruising."

"Won't they miss her?" Adam asked.

"Not til boredom's over," Tom said. He looked at his watch. "I think we've got about half an hour to get away."

"We can't just leave her like this," Patrick said.

"They'll find her when they come looking for us," Adam said.

"But she's hypnotised into obeying Will- they all are. We can't just leave them."

"We don't know how to break them out of it," said Tom. "I thought it was those lights, but there might have been more to it than that, it might have been anything. If we get it wrong it could be dangerous for them."

"We don't even know if we can get away," Ruth said. "Somehow I don't think we'll find the doors open, even if we can get down there."

"You mean we're trapped?" asked Adam.

"Yes. And once they find out we're not fully conditioned they'll...well, they'll try again, I suppose, and if that doesn't work..."

"We can't just sit here, we've got to do something! Tom was getting agitated.

"Just let's try to stay calm," Ruth said, standing up.

"Shh!" said Adam, suddenly. There was silence while they all looked at one another in fear. Tom opened the door a crack and looked out. "There's no one there," he reported.

"Sorry, I thought I heard something," said Adam.

There was a moment of silence again. This time the looks were of hopelessness. Then Patrick spoke.

"When they shone that light in our eyes- there was a kind of pattern in the flashes. Maybe if we can reverse the pattern, it'll reverse the conditioning?"

"Reverse the pattern...you mean flash another light in our eyes?" Tom asked. Patrick nodded.

"I've got a torch," Ruth said, reaching into her bag which, with her costume, was at the other side of the room. "You never know when you might need it during the get-out...here you are."

"But if we don't get the pattern right it might be dangerous," said Tom.

"Try it on me," said Patrick. Tom took the torch.

"Does anyone remember the pattern of the flashes?" he said. Ruth closed her eyes and tried to remember. "Umm, a few short ones, a bit of a gap, a long one, a short one, another gap, and two long ones," she said. "Something like that, at least."

"I think there were 4 short ones to start with," Tom said. He started flashing the torch. "It's hard to remember that in reverse."

"Write it down," Adam suggested. Ruth pulled a pen and paper out of her bag and scribbled.

"Nothing's happening," said Tom.

"Do you feel anything?" Ruth asked Patrick. He shook his head.

"Try just 3 short ones, rather than 4," said Ruth. Tom continued flashing the torch.

"Still nothing," Patrick said.

"Wasn't there another short one before the two long ones?" Adam said. Tom tried.

Suddenly Patrick staggered backwards. Ruth reached out and steadied him. He pushed his glasses up onto his forehead and rubbed his eyes with his hands. "Are you ok?" she asked. He looked up at her.

"It was like...like breaking up through water," he said. "It's gone! It worked!" He hugged her.

"What was the pattern?" Adam asked.

"Two long, one short, gap, short, long, gap, three short," Tom said. Patrick took the torch from him and quickly flashed the pattern into Tom's eyes. As Patrick had done, Tom staggered back as he awoke. Then they freed Ruth and Adam. Ruth thought Patrick's description was a good one, it did feel like suddenly coming up from under water, or walking out of a dark room into bright sunlight. Suddenly she had control of herself without effort, the battle in her mind was over, her headache disappeared. She smiled at the others. "Now what?" Tom asked.

Before anyone could speak there was a groan from the muffled heap that was Charlotte, tied up in Tom's scarf. Ruth knelt down again. "She's coming round," she said. Charlotte's eyes opened, and she looked up blearily, her eyes still slightly out of focus. Ruth had lain her on her side, and as she struggled to sit up she felt the scarf round her, restricting her movements. Her expression changed to one of puzzlement, then to something else. "Give me the bin," Ruth said suddenly, and Patrick passed it to her just in time, as Charlotte was sick. Ruth held the bin out and supported her as she retched into it. "It often happens with people who've been knocked unconscious," Ruth said.

Charlotte blinked up at them. "What- oh." She remembered what had happened as the conditioning began to reassert itself.

"Quick, the torch," Tom said. He leant over Charlotte with the torch. She shut her eyes and turned away.

"Just look at the torch," said Ruth gently. "It won't hurt." Charlotte's eyes opened slightly and Tom quickly flashed the code.

The change this time was more spectacular. Charlotte's body convulsed, as if flash of pain had passed through her, then she was still.

"What...what just happened?" she asked slowly.

"You were under a kind of hypnosis," Ruth said, beginning to unwind the scarf binding Charlotte. "We broke it. Someone was using you, controlling what you did for their own ends."

"I remember- someone hit me, knocked me against the wall and I was stunned..."

"It was me," said Patrick. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I just wanted to stop you from telling Will we weren't under his control-"

"I remember," said Charlotte. "It was Will, he got me and Emily in a room and started fiddling with the light switch, and then...it's funny, I remember everything, but it's like I was kind of doing things without being able to see, without quite knowing why I was doing things- it was like being drunk."

"That's it, that's exactly what it felt like," said Tom.

"That'll be why no one noticed," said Ruth sardonically. "How would they tell the difference from normal?"

"We're not that bad," Patrick said. Ruth raised her eyebrows.

"Hmm," she replied.

"Anyway, what are we going to do now?" Tom asked quickly.

"We should free the others," Adam said.

"But what about Will?" Tom asked. "There's still more of them under his control than us."

"You were on sentry duty," Ruth said to Charlotte. "Where is everyone?"

"Most people are in the auditorium," Charlotte said, "But Marie, Laura, Karen and Helen are in the green room, and Ben and Natalie are in the dressing room next door. And they can't have moved, because it's boredom time. Boredom time- what a stupid idea. Why didn't anyone see that?"

"Because of the hypnosis," Ruth said. She looked up at the others. "We should free them," she said. "If we can free the people in the green room, then they can help us with everyone else. Does anyone else have a torch?"

"I do," said Charlotte. "I brought it for walking home across the stray. It's in that bag over there."

"I've got one too, but it's in my bag in the dressing room on the other side of the green room," Tom said. "We can't get it without going through there."

"Well, we've got two," Ruth said. "I suggest we try to free Ben and Natalie, then we can all take on the girls in the green room." The others nodded. Charlotte tried to stand up, but was a bit wobbly.

"I think you should stay here," Tom said. She nodded and sat down again.

"I really am sorry," Patrick began.

"Oh stop it," Charlotte said. "Don't worry about it. Watch out for Emily," she continued, "she'll be on patrol somewhere around. Probably guarding the doors."

"Ok," said Tom. "Everybody ready?" He and Patrick had the torches.

"If possible, we'll try to do it without violence," Ruth said, "But if not, Adam and I can grab them and you two flash the pattern as quickly as possible- I won't be able to hold Natalie for long."

"Take the scarf," said Adam. She picked it up.

"Right, let's go."


The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 1, part 3.

Patrick awoke, or at least it felt like awakening, or resurfacing from deep under water.

"Has it worked, do you think?" he heard a voice- a young woman's- say.

"It should have." A second voice was replying. "Of course, they fought it, unlike most of the others, so it may not be as secure in the long term. But at this stage we don't need long term. Once we've got this off the ground there'll be no going back, and we can deal with problems as they arise. For now, they should be fine. You go and make sure everyone's getting ready for boredom, and I'll sort this lot out."

As Patrick felt himself gaining control of his senses he recognised the second voice as Will's. The first was familiar, but he couldn't place it. A door opened and shut. With their words his memories of what had happened came back. Cautiously, fearing either the strobing light or someone noticing that he was awake, he opened an eye. The lights were steady, and the room was empty except for himself, Ruth, Tom and Adam, who were all slumped on the first aid room bed in various attitudes of discomfort, all trying to hide their eyes. As he looked Adam opened an eye too.

"Ok?" Patrick whispered.

"I think so," Adam replied.

"Have they gone?" Ruth whispered, opening an eye too.

"They'll be back," Patrick said. He reached out and touched Tom on the arm. "Tom?"

"Mmm- what? Who's that- oh." Tom opened his eyes.

"Listen, I heard them talking- they think the hypnotism worked. Play along with them- do what they say- and maybe we'll get a chance to escape."

Even as he finished whispering they heard footsteps approaching, and all lay back in the attitudes they had awoken in, closing their eyes and hoping to escape attention.

As Will came back into the room- Patrick wasn't sure how he knew it was Will, he just knew- the four of them felt a change come over them. It was hard to describe- Ruth said later that it was like something rising in her mind, something which had lain dormant and almost unnoticed rising and spreading out so that it covered almost all her thoughts. But one area- the bit of her conscious that had fought to stay awake- refused to give in to the suffocating, dulling influence.

"Awake," Will said. Ruth's body began to obey, opening her eyes, straightening her limbs. But she could still feel that little area in her brain telling her that she didn't have to do what he said, telling her that she had free will.

"Get up," Will continued. She could resist. But at the moment she didn't want to. As Patrick had said, their only hope of being able to escape was to obey, to win their trust and hope they would be left alone and be able to get away.


"It's time for boredom," Will said. "Follow me."


One by one they turned, as automata, and followed him out of the room, along the corridor, through the green room and into an empty dressing room. "Sit down," Will said, and they obeyed. Sneaking looks at the others, Ruth wondered if they too were able to resist, or whether their minds had given in to the suffocating dullness. It was hard, keeping it at bay.


"You will stay here until you hear the announcement that boredom period is over," Will said. "You will not speak, or read, or listen to music, or do anything. You will be bored. Whatever you hear, whatever you see or think you hear or see, you will pay no attention. You will remember what I have said." He left, shutting the door behind him but not, Ruth noticed, locking it.


For some moments after he had left, they remained silent. The footsteps died away. Suddenly the comms unit on the wall crackled in to life. "Boredom period is beginning. Please find somewhere to be bored. Sentry duty today will be performed by Emily and Charlotte."


Ruth looked up, and met Tom's eye. Quietly she stood up, crept over to the door and opened it carefully to peer out. The corridor was empty, but she could hear people settling down in the next dressing room. Their door was left open. The stairs were on the other side of the dressing room. Somehow she didn't think that "ignore anything you hear" included ignoring people trying to escape. Besides, there was the issue of the two sentries- normally she wouldn't have thought Emily and Charlotte would be much of a threat, they were lovely people, but now- how could you know what anyone might do, when they were under someone else's control?


Besides, even that much was an effort. Part of her wanted to sit still, to obey the orders she had been given, and she had to fight the impulse to give in and to get her body under control. It was an effort. Her head hurt, and a fear was increasing that she would be unable to keep up her resistance for long.


There was no escaping at the moment, then. She closed the door and shook her head at the others, who were watching her.


"No way out," she whispered. "Will they hear us if we talk?"


"So long as we're fairly quiet they shouldn't," Tom said. He put his hand to his head. "Whatever they did has given me a headache."


"It's from fighting it, trying to resist," Ruth said. "I've got one too. But we've got to keep resisting."


"I don't know if I can..." Patrick began.


"We must," Ruth said. "You can, I know you can." She looked at him. He was obviously afraid, but then they all were.


"Isn't there anyone who might be able to help?" Adam asked. "No one else who didn't join the cult?"


"There were a few of the girls," Ruth said. "But I don't know where they are."


"I saw some of them going out just after the matinee finished," Tom said.


"No help there, then," Adam said.


There was a noise in the corridor. Quickly they all returned to the attitudes Will had left them in. The door opened, and Charlotte came in. Ruth lay back, allowing the conditioning to control her body while still preserving that little clear space in her head. Charlotte looked round the room, then left, closing the door again. Ruth noticed the vague, half asleep look on her face. She was under the influence of the same conditioning as had been tried on them, as they had thought. No help there.


After a minute or two they sat up.


"That was close," Adam said.


"There's no way we can get out past her," Tom said. "We'll just have to wait and-"


The door opened again, and Charlotte came back in. She had obviously been suspicious, and had come back to catch them out. It had worked.


"You are breaking boredom," she said. "You will be reported to the Leader. You will be locked in here until I fetch him." She turned back to the door.




The story continues...