Hilarity Ensues Episode 10, part 4

   That, Ruth thought later, was the easy part.  Once they and the Senate emerged from the chamber of the House they found that messengers had arrived to say that Friderts had retreated into the royal castle and was gathering his forces there.  It was a strongly fortified building a short distance downriver from the Senate building.  Looking up at it from a safe distance, Ruth wondered how they were going to defeat Friderts now.  It seemed impregnable.

   "We should send him an ultimatum," Zoe said.  "Tell him to surrender now or suffer the consequences."

   "He won't surrender," Will said.  

   "Nevertheless, it's the right thing to do," Zoe said.

   "The bearer will be in great danger," one of the Bognorian nobles warned.  "It is likely that Friderts will keep him or her as a hostage."

   "I will go," Zoe said.  The noble shook his head.  "You cannot go," he said vehemently.  "If you or your brother fell into his hands it could destroy us!"

   "Then who will go?" Zoe said.  There was silence around them.

   Once again Ruth felt that she should volunteer, despite her earnest desire to do no such thing.  She looked up at Will, half opening her mouth, but he shook his head.

   "You and Patrick have done enough for us already," he said.  Ruth looked down, relieved yet ashamed.

   "I'll go," Adam said, stepping forward.  "What do you want me to say?"

   "Are you sure?" Ruth asked him.  "You know what they might do..."  Adam nodded awkwardly.  "After what you did, I can't not."

   One of the Bognorian nobles stepped forward.   "I will go too," he said.  "You will need someone who speaks Bognorian."

   The others watched as the two walked forward towards the gates of the castle, slowly, their arms stretched out to show that they meant no harm, carrying a flag of truce.  They stopped a short distance from the main gate, and the nobleman hailed the guards in Bognorian, asking for permission to enter and speak to Friderts.

   "They're not firing at them," Zoe said.  "That's a good sign."

   Ruth watched as a side gate was slowly opened for Adam and the nobleman to pass through.  She remembered their days of imprisonment with a shudder and hoped that Adam would be ok.  Friderts did not sound like a nice person to be the prisoner of.  The gate closed behind them with a clang and there was nothing they could do now but wait and hope.  

   They waited until hope was running dry, and then waited some more.  Still there was no sign from the castle, either good or bad.  The travellers shuffled their feet awkwardly and looked sideways at Will and Zoe as they whispered together or spoke in Bognorian to the nobles.  Eventually another of the nobles stepped forward gingerly towards the gates of the castle.  A shot passed over his head.  The tension in the group of watchers increased.  The noble stopped, and called out to the guards, but the only reply was further shots, and he turned and hurried back to safety.

   "We were trying to find out what had happened to Adam and Agorna," Will said, turning to the travellers.  "But it looks like they won't even tell us.  We have to fear the worst."  The others looked at each other, shocked that they might not see Adam again, apprehensive as to what would happen next.

   "Now we have no choice but to storm the castle!" Zoe said.  The other's fear increased.

   "We don't know how to fight," Tom said.  

   "You won't have to, I hope," Will said, "We'll make sure you have weapons, just for self defence.  But fortunately we have our friends the astroninjas and the pirates to do most of the fighting- and with the Senate on our side I suspect a lot of the people of the city will join us too."

   "But first we've got to get a message to the ninjas inside the castle," Zoe said.  "It's getting dark."

   Ruth and the others crouched in the shadows just out of shot from the castle walls, waiting for the signal to advance.  Ruth was afraid, but she was used to that now.  After she had been so close to death and survived, it seemed cruel that she should be in danger again so soon.  But she was a different person from the girl who had left Earth what seemed an age ago.  They had all changed, and her not the least.  She felt the weight of the gun in the holster at her waist and hoped she would not have to use it.  

   Patrick was at her side, with Tom and Agnes close behind.  They had decided, when going through the plan with Zoe and Will, that once they got into the castle they would try to find out what had happened to Adam and the Bognorian lord Agorna who had gone with him.  A small group of pirates was with them, to do the actual fighting, and two of the Senate who knew the castle to act as guides.  

   Far away on the other side of the castle they heard shouts and the noise of shots.  Will, with most of the pirates, was attacking one of the gates to draw the attention of the guards to that part of the castle and allow the others to enter where they weren't expected.

   "The gate's opening," Patrick whispered.  "Look!"  The side gate by which Adam had entered was opening slowly.  

   Ruth felt her wrist communicator vibrate, and switched the speakerphone on.  "Time to go," Zoe said.  "Good luck everyone!"

   Other shadows began to detach themselves from the darkness around the castle walls and converge on the gate.  It had been opened by the astroninjas who had been forming part of Friderts' bodyguard and so were already within the castle.  Now the other astroninjas, led by Zoe and the chief ninja, began to make their way in through the gate.

   "Come on," Ruth said to her group, and they began to move forward and join the steady stream heading into the castle.

  

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 10, part 3

   "The Senate are all Bognorian hereditary nobles," Zoe said as they waited for the ninjas and pirates to force a way into the building.  "Like your House of Lords, except that they are the dominant force in Bognorian politics.  We don't have a House of Commons."

   "Don't you have elections?" Ruth asked.

   "No.  To tell the truth, we were rather puzzled by your 'politicians,'" Zoe said.  "I never quite understood how they were qualified to run the country."

   "It puzzles us, sometimes," Patrick replied.  "But they were elected.  The majority of the people thought they would be good at it."

   "Majority?  But so few people actually vote."

   "It doesn't quite work, I'll admit," Ruth said.  "But there are worse ways of doing things."

   "How are your nobles qualified to rule?" Adam asked.

   "They have been prepared for the role by their upbringing, as we have," Zoe said.  

   "But what if there are talented commoners?" Ruth asked.  "Can't you make use of their talents?"

   "Or what if some of the nobles are not clever enough, or put themselves before the good of the country?  At least we can get rid of politicians who mess things up." 

   "Perhaps a mix would be better," Zoe said thoughtfully.  "Too often the only way our people have of solving the problem of bad ministers is to rebel violently.  It would be interesting to try your democracy, especially as it has made Britain so great.  You even go to other countries to make them democratic!"

   The others looked at each other sheepishly.  "When you put it like that it doesn't really make much sense," Adam said.  "I mean, the point of democracy is that you can't impose it, isn't it?  If people don't want to be democratic you can't make them, but if they're not involved the other country isn't democratic."  

   "Once we've won we will have to discuss these matters," Zoe said.  "That was why we brought you.  But we're not there yet."

   The pirates and ninjas had cleared one of the doorways and were pushing forward into the building.  Queen Argent beckoned them forward and they set off down a corridor.  After a few minutes they arrived at a large door.  Various guards had been pushed back against the walls and the chief ninja, seeing them coming, began to order his troops to break down the door.  It looked very solid- it was made of a dark reddish-brown wood- but it wasn't long before it gave way and the ninjas broke into the room beyond.  

   Long dark cushioned benches ran down the sides of the room to where a large chair stood with a table in front of it and a canopy overhead.  Around this chair was clustered the Bognorian Senate, men (mostly) and a few women looking apprehensive and trying to stay as far away as possible from the ninjas and pirates as they strode into the room.

   Will pushed his way through the door and thanked Queen Argent and the chief ninja.  "But now please ask your people to leave the House," he said.  "I wish to speak to the Senate without the pressure of armed men- and women- in the background."  They did as he asked.  Zoe went through into the chamber to join Will, and he beckoned the Earth-dwellers to come too.  

   "My friends," he began, looking around, "You know me, the son of King Ragsd, a member of this House.  My sister and I have returned from our expedition to the planet known as Earth and have come to you to find out what has been happening in our absence."

   "We were told that you had abandoned Bognor and did not intend to return," one of the Bognorian nobles said.

   "Who told you that?  My uncle Friderts?  It was a lie, an attempt to mislead you.  You know why my sister and I left Bognor- you yourselves sanctioned the mission!  Our father was well then, no suggestion of ill health.  We stuck to the terms of our mission, and left there some time ago to return to Bognor along with our friends here.  It is for their sake I am speaking English- after what they have suffered on our behalf it is far less than they deserve."  He stopped, and Zoe took up the story, describing their calamitous voyage.

   "Our journey, which should have taken no more than a few Earth days has been prolonged by one disaster after another," she said.  "Eventually, when we thought we would soon be home we were attacked again and taken captive by mercenaries in the pay of our uncle Friderts, under orders to keep us out of the way while he took over here.  We were held prisoner, two of our friends were almost killed, we escaped only to be captured again.  Thanks to both luck and skill we have returned at last and now wish to ask Friderts what he means by this.  Our friends from Earth agreed to come with us, risking their lives when they didn't need to.  They are with us.  Are you?"

   Will spoke again.  "I am my father's heir.  I know I have a responsibility to you and the people of Bognor, and I do not renounce that responsibility.  Are you with me, or against me?"  

   He looked sternly at the Senate members as they stood clustered round the speaker's chair.  Zoe stood beside him, looking fierce and dignified.  The Earth-dwellers stood awkwardly behind Will, unsure what good they were doing by being there.

   There was whispered consultation among the Senate.  There seemed to be some argument going on and a few of the nobles, Ruth saw, quietly slipped out of a door at the back.  Were they going to warn Friderts, she wondered?  Eventually one who seemed to be a leader turned to Will and Zoe and knelt.

   "The Senate is with you," he said.

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 10, part 2.

The Hilarity descended, slowly and cautiously, towards an open stretch of ground not far from the capital city of Bognor.  The travellers all peered out curiously, intrigued to finally see this planet that had been their destination for so long.  Strangely, it seemed rather familiar. 

   As they had come in sight of Bognor Will and Zoe had become highly excited.  The others had been surprised to see the small blue-green planet as they drew closer.  What had confused them, though, was realising that the blue was the land and the green was the sea.  It reminded them that despite the similarities this was not Earth.  This was a homecoming for Will and Zoe, but not for anyone else.

   Around them the spacseships of the pirates and astroninjas were touching down, and their troops were pouring out of the ships to scout out the area and protect the king as he landed.  Will had refused to let anyone else fly the Hilarity, and was doing it himself with only the help of Zoe and the Gilbot.

   They landed, and the doors opened.  The travellers headed towards them.  Will looked at Zoe, and together they strode out onto the planet's surface.

   "Home at last," he said to his sister.

   Suddenly there was a shout from one of the astroninja scouts.  "Enemy forces approaching."

   "To arms!," the chief ninja shouted.

   "Don't shoot till we find out what they've come for," Zoe ordered.  "We need to know what's going on."

   "I don't think that takes much working out," Will said, as the advancing troops began to fire on them.  The travellers quickly retreated to the safety of the Hilarity.  But the troops of the insurgent ruler of Bognor which had been sent to prevent the landing were no match for the disciplined skill of the astroninjas or the fiery attack of the pirates.  Soon they were driven off back to Bognor Regis in shame and fear.

   "Now uncle Friderts will be quaking on his new throne," Zoe said exultantly.

   "We've a long way to go yet," Will said.  "Time to start our plan.

   The day before, on the astroninja space station they had come up with their plan.  As there were already some astroninjas on Bognor, acting as Friderts' bodyguard, the arrival of a small group of reinforcements would be pass without comment.  Accordingly a small party of expert ninjas had been dispatched to the planet ahead of the main force, to inform those already there of their change of sides and the new plan.  These ninjas were the key to their new plan- the allies within who would, metaphorically, open the gates to King Will's forces.

   They also told those ninjas who were already there of the joys of love.  All ninjas were commanded to be obedient to the chief astroninja, and were not unused to changing sides in the midst of a struggle if the appropriate amount of money changed hands.  There was no need to fear that they would refuse their new allegiance.  But so the royal forces could tell who was on their side Queen Argent had proposed a secret sign.

   "Like a special handshake?" Emma had said.

   "Yes, but something you'd be less likely to guess," Zoe replied.  She had come up with many of the ideas for their plan.

   "Eating a sausage roll?" suggested Tom.

   "But what about vegetarians?" Ruth said.

   "How about a banana?" Patrick suggested.  "Do you have those here?"

   "Of course," Zoe said.  "Right, so if you're not sure if someone is on our side you eat a banana and they'll eat one too."

   "What if you don't happen to have a banana with you?" Ruth asked.  "We don't all carry fruit around with us."  Patrick produced one from his pocket.

   "We'll make sure everyone is provided with a stock of bananas," Zoe said.  "Now, the rest of the plan..."

   Once they had made sure that the area around their ships was safe the royal forces posted guards and began to move towards the city on foot.  Crossing a narrow belt of woodland- beautiful tall trees with dark red trunks and delicate leaves in shades of purple and blue- Ruth and the other Earth dwellers saw Bognor Regis for the first time.  It was a large, sprawling city of buildings of many shapes and sizes and shades of colour.  Flowing down towards the city was a river of deep green water, and far off in the distance Ruth thought she could just make out a coastline.

   The travellers, surrounded by the astroninjas and pirates, marched across the blue grass until they reached a road leading down to the city.  Some of their scouts who had been sent ahead reported that the road was clear and there were no more troops belonging to the usurper Friderts in sight.  As they marched down the road it seemed deserted, the local people hurrying inside and locking their doors as the heavily armed royal group came in sight.

   Ruth and the others strained to catch glimpses of these people.  They looked human, like Will and Zoe.  Some of the buildings did look 'alien,' but there were others that wouldn't have looked out of place in a London street.  They all looked very solid and tidy, and the street was clean and litter-free.  Ruth was beginning to find this place unnerving- the way that things were so like Earth, but just a bit different.

   "What's Friderts playing at?" Zoe muttered.

   Will shrugged.  "Who knows?  Something cunning and unexpected.  He expects we'll head for the palace first, so no doubt he'll have something planned for us there."

   "Just as well we have other plans," Zoe replied.  The long procession of pirates, ninjas, visitors and returning royals headed onwards into the heart of the city, guided by Zoe, until they stood in a wide, deserted  square before a large building.  Around them were gleaming buildings of white stone, but this one was dark, and looked very Gothic and very familiar.  At one end was a tall clock tower.

   "The Bognorian Senate," Will said proudly.

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 10, part 1

Philosophers may sing of the troubles of a king.

   The Hilarity sped on through space.  But now she was no longer speeding away from the space station full of sleeping astroninjas, but hurrying back towards it.  For the travellers had come up with a plan.

   "It's utterly crazy," Ernest said, "but it just might work."

   They had also discovered where they were, and the news had encouraged them.  The planet which the space station was orbiting was a gas giant in the same system as Bognor.  Finally the place which had been their destination for so long seemed within reach.  

   Almost.  From what the Bognorian nobleman with them said it would not be safe for them to land anywhere near the capital of Bognor Regis.  The planet was almost entirely under the control of the insurgent government, and if the new king and princess attempted to land without military protection, Platorza Portoran was not sure that they would not be shot down, or imprisoned and quietly murdered.  

   So they were heading back to the astroninja space station.  "We need an army," Zoe had said, "and the best fighters in the galaxy are so close."

   "But how are you going to persuade the astroninjas to change sides?" Emma had asked.

   "Or the pirates to stop wanting to kill us?" Ernest added.

   "When they awake from the drink I gave them, they'll be highly suggestible," Zoe had said.  "And of course their leaders are still under Will's hypnosis.  I think we can persuade them."

   "I hope you're right," Ernest replied.

   Before long the Hilarity was slipping back into the docking bay as if she had never left.  

   "They'll all still be asleep, won't they?" Ruth asked somewhat nervously.

   "The potion makes them sleep for twelve hours, and it's less than six since we left," Zoe said.  She hesitated.  "But there's something else I ought to warn you about the oxy-hydra philtre."

   "What filter?" Emma said.  "Don't say there's something wrong with the air filter?"

   "I didn't say filter, I said philtre." 

   "You don't mean a love potion!"  Emma exclaimed.

   "Of course," Zoe replied.  "It's a side effect of the sleeping draught.  The person who's been drugged falls in love with the first person of the opposite sex they see when they awake."

   "Love between pirates who are raging feminists and ninjas who are sworn to celibacy as part of their training...this could be interesting..." 

   "They'll fall in love with anyone of the opposite sex?" asked Tom.

   "Yes.  So when they start to wake up, we'd better get out of the way," Will said.  "Unless you want a pirate following you around."

   And so, some hours later, they watched on a hidden camera as Queen Argent woke up.  While they slept, the travellers had moved her and the chief ninja into a room by themselves, and locked the door.  So the first thing she saw was the sleeping body of the chief astroninja lying beside her.  She blinked a few times, stared at him and gave a gasp.  

   The ninja's eyes opened, and he sat up, staring into the eyes of the pirate queen.  The travellers, watching, could not help laughing out loud as they saw these people, who had terrorised them and held them prisoner, sinking into gooey love talk and gazing at one another in ecstasy.  They missed most of what was said but they could see plainly enough that the philtre had worked.  

   Then Will, with Ernest and Ruth and Tom, went into the room where the new lovers were.  Immediately they looked up at them.  

   "What have you done to us?" Queen Argent asked, trying to sound angry but failing.

   "Shown you what love is," Ruth said.  "Isn't it good?"

   "Tis none o' your business," the pirate queen, but it sounded half-hearted as she looked up at the chief ninja.  He put an arm around her.  

   "A love philtre, I presume," he said.  "But why?  Don't tell me it was from purely philanthropic motives."

   "Not at all," said Will.  "In fact, we merely wanted to put you to sleep to allow us to escape.  But then we realised the potential.  And I shouldn't bother," he added, turning back to Argent who had been reaching for the holster where her gun should be.  "We searched and disarmed you both.  And all your troops are locked up too, and those that aren't still asleep are falling deeply in love with one another.  Pirates and ninjas."

   "So you think that you have turned the tables, and we are now your prisoners?" the chief astroninja said.  "And what do you intend to do now?"

   "Persuade you that you are both going to join me in opposing our uncle's coup," said Will.

   "In return for our freedom?" laughed the chief.  "I think not.  Why, I could overpower you now, and your group of puny humans wouldn't stop me for a minute."

   "You ninjas are mercenaries, and the pirates' deepest desire is for wealth," said Will.  "Or at least, so they say.  Money is all you wanted.  But now you have been given something else, something money cannot buy.  You have all the money you need.  Perhaps now is a time to change?"

   The chief ninja and Queen Argent tried to laugh contemptuously, but they sounded troubled and uncertain.

   "Why should we stop now?" the queen said.  "Together we could do so much more!"

   Will shrugged, and snapped his fingers.  At once the lovers fell silent.  Will spoke to them, telling them that now they would support his cause, and that the pirates and ninjas would fight for him.  Snapping his fingers, he spoke to them again as if nothing had happened.

   "Well, I'm so glad you agree.  My sister and I really do appreciate it."

   "Well, I suppose it is time we did something right, to make up for all our past crimes," the chief astroninja said, taking Argent's hand.  

   "And to thank you for this love you have given us," the pirate queen said, looking dreamily into the chief's eyes.

   "Excellent," Will said.  "Then let us go to Bognor!"

   The others, watching on the camera in another room, could hardly believe it.  

   "He's done it!" Zoe said, excited.

   "You know, I'm not so sure about the saying that money can't buy you love," Agnes said.  The others looked at her in surprise.  "Well, you could buy that philtre, couldn't you?"  

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 9, part 6

   While Zoe and the ninja were gone the prisoners had nothing to do except to try to keep calm.  Will and the Bognorian councillor tried to work out where they were from the equipment in the room.  The others just stood in their corner, nervously watching the slowly awakening ninjas and pirates.  They did not have Will's confidence in his hypnotic ability, despite having experienced it themselves.

   It seemed ages before Zoe and her escort returned, but in fact it was not long.  She bore with her two huge flasks, and a stack of drinking beakers.  The ninja was carrying the same.

   Will stood in front of the chief ninja and the pirate queen.  "You will order all your people to drink to the alliance you have formed," he said.  Immediately the chief ninja switched on the intercom.  "All astroninjas and pirates will drink to the friendship between our two peoples.  Drinks will be served at the canteen next to the control room.  All personnel are to report there immediately."  He handed the microphone to Queen Argent, who said; "And that goes fer yee too, me brave lasses.  Splice th' mainbrace!"

   "I didn't think pirates really said that," Agnes whispered to Ruth.  "Not space pirates, at least!"

   Zoe, still in her pirate garb, went with one of the ninjas to serve the sleeping draught to the rest of the combined crews.  Another ninja served out the drink to those in the control room.  The prisoners watched as the ninjas and pirates succumbed to the draught, at first laughing and talking freely, and then slowly sinking to the ground, rubbing their eyes bemusedly, and falling into sleep.  Before long there was not a single person awake in the room apart from the prisoners.

   Zoe came back in shortly after.  "All asleep," she said.  "There may still be one or two guards around the corridors, though."

   "We'll just have to chance that," Will said.

   "Nice work," Ernest said, straightening up from where he had been examining one of the sleeping pirates.  "What's in that stuff?"

   "Herbs and spices- and quite a lot of alcohol," Zoe said.  "It was sometimes useful at school."

   "They taught you things like that?" Agnes said.  "That beats chemistry lessons!"

   "Oh, not in lessons," Zoe said, smiling.

   "Anyway, let's get out of here while we can," Will said.

   Quickly they made their way to the docking bay, fortunately meeting nobody on the way.  They were all glad to be back aboard the Hilarity once more, and before long they were leaving the space station behind them.

   "The oxy-hydra draught lasts for twelve hours," Zoe said.  "We've got a good start on them."  She adjusted some controls.  Will was peering at a screen next to her.

   Ernest looked at them, and then cleared his throat to speak.  "Can I just ask one question?" he said.  "It may seem silly and insignificant, I dare say, but- where are we going?"

   Platorza Portoran, the Bognorian lord, looked quickly at Will.  "Sir, your people need you!" he said.

   Will looked from him to the others, and then at Zoe and back to the others.  "I am sorry," he said quietly to Portoran, "My heart longs to return to my people, but I have other responsibilities too.  I kidnapped these people, and brought them into a danger which is no concern of theirs.  I must do what I can to amend that, and to see that they are safe."

   The Bognorian lord looked to Zoe with a mute appeal for her to intervene, but she shook her head.  "He's right, I'm afraid," she said.

   The Earth-dwellers looked at one another.  While Platorza Portoran fell to his knees and began to pour fourth remonstrances in Bognorian that they could not understand, they gathered together and and began to speak and whisper vehemently among themselves.

   Eventually they reached a decision, and turned back to the others.  Will and Zoe were still hunched over the controls, tight lipped, while the Bognorian nobleman appeared to have been overcome with tears.  Ernest, as ever the spokesperson, stepped forward.

   "First of all, thanks for what you said just now, and for your decision earlier to put us before your own wishes.  If it hadn't been for that, we probably wouldn't be saying this now.  But things have changed since you kidnapped us, and since we started getting imprisoned.  It wasn't our quarrel, but the way your enemies have been willing to use us, who are innocent of anything in this matter, to get their way has made it our quarrel.  After all, you brought us to be ambassadors for earth, and we feel that we have to live up to people's expectations of us.  From what you say, we have a reputation to maintain on behalf of our planet.  So let's make a bargain.  Our parents and friends presumably already think we're dead, so what difference will a few days or even weeks away make?  We will agree to go to Bognor with you, and help you, if we can.  In return- well, you were on earth long enough to know what they think about people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.  When we return, you will send with us indisputable proof that aliens exist, so that people don't think we're mad.

   Will's eyes were shining now like the stars in his display screen.  "You're sure?" he said eagerly.  Ruth and the others nodded.

   "Since we were brought here to be ambassadors or advisers on behalf of earth, we might as well start by trying to oppose illegitimate government."

   "Thank you- thank you so much," Will and Zoe said.

   "Just one problem though," said Ernest, "How on earth- or off it- are we going to do it?"

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 9, part 5.

   "We're in trouble now," Adam said.

   "And we weren't before?" Agnes replied.

   "Strange as it sounds, I guess we have to hope the ninjas win," Ernest said.  "Otherwise we don't stand a chance."

   "They're the best fighters in the galaxy," Zoe said.  "The pirates can't defeat them."

   Yet, amazingly, the pirates seemed to have docked and boarded the space station.  Reports came through  that they were fiercely fighting their way right into the heart of the station, to the control room itself.  The astroninjas who had been scattered throughout the ship began to congregate there, ready to defend their chief and to prevent the pirates getting through to the prisoners.

   But the two foes seemed to be equally matched.  Neither seemed to have any advantage over the other.  After some time a message came through.  "They're calling for a parley," Zoe said incredulously.  Even more surprisingly, the chief ninja agreed, and an armed escort was sent to bring Queen Argent to the control room.

   In the bustle that this created, Will, who was standing at the back of the group by the wall suddenly touched those nearest him on the shoulder and began whispering to them.  Those on the outskirts of the group, seeing that he had some kind of plan, tried to stand in front of the conspirators and to look natural, as if they weren't hiding anyone.

   Ruth, on the edge of the group, saw Will edging towards her.  Tom was next to her.

   "What are you going to do?" he asked.

   "Gklhsdafh," Will whispered.  "Hypnotism, you call it.  Like I did to all of you at first."

   "On so many of them at once?" Ruth whispered.  "Will it work?"

   "What have we got to loose?" he asked.  "When the lights go off, shut your eyes.  Tell the others."

   The part of the wall against which the prisoners were stood included the light switch, and it was this that had given Will his idea.  He was cautiously edging towards it, unseen by the dozen or so astroninjas currently in the control room.  He reached it, and stood by it, waiting.

   Queen Argent and her escort of three pirates were ushered into the control room.  The chief ninja strode towards her, and bowed.  She in turn swept off her hat and bowed to him.

   "May I ask the reason for this parley?" he said.  "And indeed, why you choose to come here and attack our base?"

   "There is the reason," the Pirate Queen said, pointing towards the prisoners.

   "Are you in the employ of the soon-to-be-former royal house of Bognor?" the chief requested.

   "No! I be havin' nay dealings wi' politics," the Pirate Queen said.  "But they- they escaped from me clutches, an' stole away me lass an' our apprentice! An' then they helped get us arrested an' jailed, an' our ship

confiscated, an' a deal o' a job we had t' break free an' get aft t' th' ship. We`ve tracked them here fer revenge- an' we will be havin' 't! I called fer th' parley on accoun' o' I thought ye might nay be averse t' killin' them yourselves, an' I wanted t' make sure they weren`t already dead."  She glanced around.  "Perhaps we could come t' an alliance?"

   "And why should we feel the need to do that?" the chief ninja said.

   "Because from what I see, we're both on the same side, and even if you can beat us, it'll take you time and effort you'd be better using elsewhere."

   "But our mission is not to kill these vagrants, or we should have done it by now.  We intend to hold them here until our client's business is completed, and then to return them to the planet whence they came."

   "But who would know?" said Queen Argent.  "Hold them a few days longer, aye, but when th' time comes hand them o'er t' us!  't`ll save ye th' time an' th' journey. Ye can be sure that nay word o' 't will reach yer client, an' nobody will go t' that forsaken wee planet t' check."

   The chief ninja looked at her consideringly.  "That does seem to be a possible solution," he said to the prisoners' horror.  "Once the business is completed, I do not expect our client will be particularly bothered what becomes of the prisoners, so long as they are out of his way and cannot interfere with his plans.  But perhaps we should talk a little more about terms."

   At that moment the room was plunged into darkness, apart from the flickering lights of the computer screens.  The astroninjas and pirates cried out and began to make towards the prisoners.  Fortunatly, none dared fire a weapon for fear of hitting their friends in the darkness.  But Will flashed the light quickly a couple of times and spoke a couple of unknown words in a commanding manner.  Both the astroninjas and the pirates stood motionless, their arms falling to their sides, watching as Will flashed the light again and again and their bodies began to relax.

   Not that the prisoners could see this.  They had their eyes tightly closed with their hands in front of them.  Now they knew what he was doing, and as his will was not bent on subduing them, they found that they were able to resist falling under the spell.

   "You can look now," Will said after a while.  Looking up, they saw that all the ninjas and pirates in the room were lying on the floor between the banks of screens and controls, seemingly asleep.

   "When they wake they will be under my control," Will said.  "But there are still many more of them outside this room, between us and freedom."

   "But we've got to escape!" Zoe exclaimed.  "Otherwise we're going to be dead!"

   "Even if we could get to the ship they'd outrun us for sure, unless we can get some kind of head start on them," Nick said.

   Will was thinking.  "Zoe, can you still make that oxy-hydra sleeping draught that you used to make at?" he asked.

   "Yes, if I have the right ingredients," she said.  "But how's that going to help when I haven't got any?"

   "That one's waking up," Emma said, pointing to one of the ninjas who had been stationed in the control room.

   "Quick," Will said to Zoe.  "Grab that pirate's coat and put it on.  Try to look piratical."  She looked at him questioningly, but did as he said.  Will helped the wakening ninja upright, looking closely at his eyes.

   "What happened?" the ninja said.

   "There was a brief systems failure, and everyone was knocked out by lack of oxygen," Will said.  "You'll be all right in a minute.  Go with this lady to the kitchens to make us all a reviving drink."  The ninja, still blinking and confused, nodded and left the room, accompanied by Zoe in her pirate garb.

   "Well, the hypnosis has worked on him," Nick said.  But what about the others?"

   "I'm pretty good at it," Will said.  "It always has before."

   "Except for us four," Tom said.

   "I was in a hurry then.  But that was the first time I'd failed.  Let's hope this isn't the second."

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 9, part 4.

   "It's no use," Will said despairingly.  "How can we escape?  We're on a space station in we don't know what sector of space, we're heavily guarded by astroninjas, we don't even know if our ship's still here or has been destroyed.  What chance do we have?"  He turned away and walked off.

   "Will!" Zoe said angrily.

   "He's had a shock," Emma said.  "You both have, I guess.  Give him some time."

   "He's right though," Ernest said.  "You've got to admit, we haven't got a chance of getting out of here."

   "This wasn't all Portoran's mission," said Zoe.  "He was coming also to warn us about the coup.  But he was too late, of course.  But now at least we know who's behind it."

   "Someone you know?" Ernest asked.

   "Our uncle," Zoe said.  "Well, uncle by marriage.  I should have guessed, really.  He's...well he's always been nice to us, but since we grew up it never felt very genuine.  He's- he was one of the king's councillors and has quite a following, and he's wealthy- he'd have to be to hire astroninjas, although I expect he's promised them some share in the profits of the coup.  Our home, plundered to pay mercenaries!  The policies he advocated in council were always opposed to our father's, advocating a strong hand to suppress opposition and oppressive taxes.  The people of Bognor will suffer if he is allowed to rule unchallenged."

   And yet, as Ernest had said, there seemed to be no way of escape.  Hard as they thought and looked, there was no way out of the rooms where they were held, let alone of getting off the space station.  Another day passed before there seemed to be any hope.

   At first it didn't seem like hope, but if anything a worsening of their situation.  There was a speaker in the main room which was tuned in to the station's intercom, allowing the prisoners to hear something of what was going on.  Suddenly an alarm siren started blaring.

   "What's that?" Tom asked in alarm.

   "Some kind of emergency- a fire?" Zoe said.  Platorza Portoran, who it appeared could speak English almost as well as Will and Zoe, shook his head.

   "It is the alarm to say they are under attack," he said.

   "The astroninjas are being attacked?" Zoe said.  "Somebody's either very brave or very stupid."

   "It's not likely to be your forces, is it?" Emma asked, but Portoran shook his head.

   "The space fleet was first to fall to the usurper," he said.  "It is not rescue."

   "But the confusion might give us a chance to escape!" Zoe said.

   "What's the point?" Will said.  

   "We can at least try," she said.

   "This isn't some kind of story," Will said.  "That door's locked.  Even if the guards went away we wouldn't be able to get out."

   "There's often...another way..." Zoe replied, pulling her hair loose and pulling her skirt up to shorten it.

   "And the guards aren't going to be seduced, either," Will said.  

   They listened to the shouts and orders coming over the intercom, as the astroninjas prepared to open fire on the attacking ship.

   "Sounds like they're putting up quite a fight, whoever they are," Ernest commented.

   Unexpectedly they heard the door being unlocked.  A guard of astroninjas floated there, armed as usual with both swords and energy guns, which they directed towards the prisoners.

   "Come," one of the ninjas said.  "Quickly!"  The prisoners grabbed such of their possessions as they had been able to bring with them- in weightless conditions you couldn't just put things down and expect to find them next time you wanted them, so even the least tidy of the travellers had been forced to keep things in a bag- and followed the guard down the corridor.  Other guards closed in behind them.  Eventually they came out on to the station control room, where the chief ninja was standing at a desk giving orders to the defenders.  Every now and then shocks could be felt as the attacking ship's sonic cannons struck home. 

   The chief ninja came over to the prisoners as they were ushered into a corner, like frightened sheep, and ordered their wrists to be bound.

   "If these attackers, whoever they are, think they're going to rescue you they're wrong," he said.  "If they set foot in this room, you will die."  He spoke to the guards in their own language, and they trained their weapons on the prisoners.

   "And I'd recommend you think twice before trying to sabotage any of our equipment, with some idea of helping these assailants," the chief said, turning back to them.  "I have instructed the guards to shoot first, and ask questions afterwards.  If there is anything left to ask."  He went back to the control desk.

   "He means it," Will said quietly.  "There's no way they'll risk us escaping.  If we're dead, they can't use us to bargain with, but that's better than us being at liberty."  He looked at the floor.  "Maybe it would be better if I was dead, so they couldn't use me to bargain with."

   Now, at least, the prisoners could see what was going on.  There was a screen in front of them which was showing the attacking ship.  It was coming closer.

   "They're going to try and board," Zoe said, watching carefully.

   "Surely the ninjas can jam the hatchways or something?" Tom said.

   "Yes, but there are ways of overriding the controls so they revert to manual, and then a good shove will open it," Zoe replied.

   They could see the ship approaching the docking bay.  

   "Look, the Hilarity's still there!" Agnes said.  "Not that it's much good to us."  

   The attacking ship was large, but sleek and speedy.  It was almost touching the space station now.  Ruth looked at it, and thought that it seemed familiar.  But no, surely not...it was just her inexperience of spaceships, right?  But...

   "Uh oh," Ernest said.

   "What?" Tom asked.

   "You know the old question, who would win out of pirates versus ninjas?"  

   "Yes?" 

   "I think we might be about to find out."

   Ernest was right.  It was the Amazon, Queen Argent's ship.  The pirates were back, and they weren't happy.

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 9, part 3

   The atmosphere in the room changed immediately.  It was as if a bowstring, pulled back as far as it could go and filled with potential energy from the tension it was under, had suddenly been released.  The sense of relief was palpable.  

   "You both agree to that?" the chief ninja asked.  

   "Yes," Zoe said.  

   "Very well.  Your escort will be arranged once our client's coup on Bognor is complete.  Until then, you will remain here in case he has other need of you- if things seem to be going badly for him, he may need hostages."

   He turned and left.

   "I hope that was the right decision," Will said somberly. 

   "Thank you," Ruth said, looking from him to his sister.  "I know it's maybe not what you wanted to do, but thank you so much."

   Zoe shrugged.  "Will's the elder, the King's Heir.  Even if I'm not certain he's right, I have to respect him.  Besides, he's right.  It's not going to help our people if they kill us, so what's the point?"

   "It may not make much difference, if they're going to use us as hostages," Will warned.  "If his coup isn't as successful as he thinks it will be, if the king's troops are closing in on him, for example, he can tell them to back off or he'll kill us.  Or if they defeat him he can use us to bargain for his safety.  You're not home or safe yet, I'm afraid."

   

   The days wore on, indistinguishable from one another.  The prisoners had little concept of the passage of time.  They were bored, and beginning to feel claustrophobic in a space that was none too big for so many of them.   

   Not the least fearful aspect of their imprisonment was the attempts that some of the lads made to cheer everyone up.  The Gilbert and Sullivan society- or certain of its members- had always had a reputation for having a terrible sense of humour, and this now came out of its lair to prey upon a captive audience.  Certain members of the society could make a single 'joke' last half a day.  Before long, if you said the words 'shire horse' 'mad monk' or 'pink gorilla' to anyone in those rooms they would either swear madly at you, or attack you viciously.  One endless day it became too much and the jokers were banished to one of the sleeping areas and forbidden from coming out until they had exhausted their supply of anecdotes, puns and questions about how many members of different sections of the orchestra it took to change a light bulb.

   "There once was a very adventurous cornflake-" were the last words heard to emanate from that room before the door was firmly closed on the half-dozen or so people who had been the worst offenders.  It was several hours before that room appeared to fall suspiciously silent.  Then there was a tap on the door.

   Emma opened it part of the way.  "Have you finished?" she asked.  Ernest nodded at her contritely.  

   "Nothing more about viola players, or taxidermists?"  He nodded again.

   "Sure?"

   "Well, how many G&S members does it take to change a light bulb?"

   Emma shut the door, then opened it again.  "Well?"

   "One to hold the bulb, and a few to shout 'More wine!' until the room starts spinning."

   She shut the door again firmly.  It was another hour before they let them out.  Even then they weren't completely cured, and occasionally someone would ask; "How many of the cast of Wicked does it take to change a light bulb?  None, because it's too high for all of them."  But the threat of being shut up again seemed to have at least slowed down the rate at which these pearls of wisdom appeared.

   Not long after that there was another distraction from the monotony of imprisonment.  The door was opened and another prisoner was pushed in.  He appeared to be confused, and looked as though he had been ill-treated for some time.  If there had been any gravity he would have fallen, but since there was none he just floated in a rather stumbling way.

   At the sight of him Will and Zoe hurried forward to help him, and began speaking to him in their own language, which none of the earth-dwellers could understand.  They looked at each other, puzzled.  On hearing Will and Zoe's voices the man looked up, and recognising them he tried to kneel, but the weightlessness and their hands prevented him.  The man looked up at Will and spoke a short sentence.  

   Will stood stock still, his hands falling from the strangers' arms.  He stared at him for a moment, then looked at Zoe.  She seemed no less shocked than her brother, but quickly asked a question of the man, still in Bognorian, which he answered.  They both looked at Will.  Eventually he came out of his shocked state, spoke to the man and he and Zoe helped him into one of the sleeping areas.  The others began to talk and speculate as to who he was and what had happened.  

    After a few minutes Will and Zoe came out and everyone stopped talking and looked at them.  Will still looked shocked, and struggled to speak.

   "That is Platorza Portoran, a Bognorian nobleman and councillor.  He was left Bognor a week ago on a secret mission to find us, but his ship was attacked by the astroninjas and he was captured and beaten, because he would not tell them what his mission was.  He had come to tell me- to say that- our father is dead.  I am king of Bognor."

   No one was quite sure what to say.  'Congratulations' seemed out of place when it was his father's death that had caused this to happen.  

   "I am glad I didn't know before I made the choice," Will said, not looking at any of them.  "As king it would have been harder than it was to surrender the trust of my people and accept that this usurper had defeated me."

   "But what could you have done?" Adam said.  "What would have been different?"

   "I should have died.  Look at Portoran, he was beaten and nearly killed in the service of the king.  Others back on Bognor are fighting for my cause, even now.  How could I have saved my own life, and made all their sacrifice worthless?"

   "You saved us," Emma said.  "Is that worthless?"

   "And we aren't dead," Zoe said.  "It's too late to worry about all that now.  And while we're alive we still have a chance of getting back to Bognor.  We've got to escape."

The story continues...