Hilarity Ensues Episode 5, part 4.

The travellers ran behind a shelving unit, pulling the bleeding mechanic Dent with them.

"Help!" yelled Tom. "Someone help us!"

"It's no good," Dent groaned as Ruth and Agnes tried to dress his wounds. "There's no one out there! They're all down at the loading bays. They'll never hear us, it's too far."

"Isn't there some way of using the GilBot?" Adam asked.

"Good idea!" Tom crouched down and started tapping on the mini-robot's keyboard.

"There's a wireless computer network," Dent said.

"Got it," Tom said. "If we can just get in to the alert system..." he typed away furiously. Then he spoke into the microphone.

"Help! This is an emergency! We are trapped in-" he looked at Dent.

"The west workshop," he said.

"The west workshop and are being threatened by a rogue robot. It's dangerous and has seriously injured someone. We can't get out. Please come to help us immediately!"

As he spoke they could hear the message being repeated through the speakers on the walls, and echoing in the corridor outside.

"Hopefully that'll bring people here," said Tom.

"They may be too late," said Agnes. The dragoon had begun advancing on them. They shrank back towards the wall. Ruth tripped over a can of paint and fell backwards. In horror she saw the creature advancing upon her. It's going to kill me, she thought. It raised the laser cutter. Behind her, she heard Agnes scream.

The robot moved back, making a 'pip pip!' sound. Ruth scrambled to her feet and joined the others hiding behind another shelf.

"Are you ok?" Patrick asked her. She nodded. She couldn't speak, she was still too frightened.

"What made it do that?" Adam asked.

"It must have been the noise- it doesn't like high pitched noises!" Tom said excitedly. "Scream again," he said to Agnes.

She screamed. The creature moved back a bit further. But it still remained between them and the door. As soon as Agnes stopped, out of breath, it moved towards them again. Ruth tried to scream, but it kept moving.

"It's not enough!" Patrick said desperately. "It's building up resistance or something."

"What about the GilBot- can't that make high pitched noises or something?" Ruth said.

"Yes!" Tom started frantically typing again.

"Quick!" shouted Patrick. He was terrified- so were they all.

A stream of beeps and whines came from the GilBot's speakers in it's ears. Tom turned the volume up, adjusted them, pointed them directly at the dragoon. It paused, and for a moment it seemed that the ploy had worked, but then it began to move forward again.

"There's nothing high-pitched enough on here," Tom said. "But maybe I could..." He swung the GilBot round. "Sing into this- something high pitched, loud as you can." Ruth and Agnes looked at each other, then Ruth began, singing higher than normal.

"Hail the bridegroom, hail the bride!
When the nuptial knot is tied,
In fair phrases sing their praises,
Hail the bridegroom, hail the bride!"

It was an awful cacophony. Agnes joined in after a line, and for good measure Patrick joined in too, singing falsetto. Adam tried, but couldn't get quite high enough. Dent stared at them as if they were mad.

Tom quickly pressed buttons, and the singing was played back. But now it was distorted, made to sound even squeakier and with the volume at maximum, played over and over on a loop. It was a hideous cacophony.

"It's working!" said Agnes. The dragoon had stopped its advance, and remained on the spot where it was. It was shaking. The laser cutter drooped listlessly from one arm, the metal piping fell from the other.

"Come on!" said Tom. Between them they lifted Dent and made for the door, the GilBot following them. As they reached the door they heard hurrying feet and it was swung open by a group of mechanics, all armed. Behind them they could see their companions from the Hilarity, with worried expressions.

Ruth opened her mouth to start explaining the situation when she heard a new noise. Not a pleasant noise, the sound of metal scraping on metal. She turned round, the others with her, and there behind them was the dragoon, the laser cutter once more in its' outstretched arm, pointing at them.

The mechanics fired at it, but it was a heavy dragoon, built to withstand damage of that sort, to go where humans could not. It was nearly impossible to bring it down. People screamed, and everyone tried to pile out through the door. The travellers, who were supporting the injured Dent, were right at the back and couldn't get through the crowd.

The dragoon fired. The trapped travellers reacted to instinct, and threw themselves flat on the floor. The laser caught Dent and he collapsed. The mechanics kept firing, and a couple of bullets managed to do some damage, knocking the robot's arms askew. It rolled off back into the shadows of the workshop, defeated for now, and the mechanics helped the travellers to their feet and out of the door at last.

Dent was dead. The commander of the spaceport ordered the workshop to be sealed off and a guard kept. In a few hours the robot would run out of battery and they could go in and disable it. She also ordered an investigation into what had transformed it from willing slave to murderous mechanoid . The general opinion of the engineers was that it must be some kind of virus, but until they could get a closer look they couldn't say how it had contracted it. The commander ordered all dragoons on the station to be shut down until this could be determined, just in case.

Ruth and the others were in shock, stunned by what they had seen and done. They went back to the Hilarity and sat quietly in one of the dressing rooms- now bed cabins- for a while. Patrick made them all cups of tea. For a while no one spoke. They didn't know what to say. Then Agnes began to laugh.

"What is it?" asked Tom.

"We drove it back by singing," she said. "By singing Ruddigore! It's...it's ridiculous."

"Preposterous," agreed Tom.

"Explain it if you can," said Adam. They all laughed- although there was something about the laughter that wasn't quite right. Ruth wasn't entirely convinced that some of it wasn't sobbing.

"Ok?" Ruth asked Patrick quietly.

He nodded. "Just thinking- what if it had been one of us that was killed?"

"I know," she replied. "But it happens to us all sometime. But not today, thanks to Gilbert and Sullivan- if it wasn't for them we wouldn't be here."

"That's true in more ways than one," he replied with a smile.

"Indeed," Ruth said, smiling too.


The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 5, part 3.

"Careful," said Zoe to Will. "You'll crash us again!"

"It's not my fault," Will said. "Half the stabilisation controls were destroyed in the fire. And the computer's clogged up with keeping the ship going- we're going to have to do a manual landing."

Zoe rolled her eyes. "Oh, great," she said. "It's not like I had much confidence in your flying to begin with..."

The Earth-dwellers looked at each other in concern. "Think we're in for a bumpy ride then," Ernest said, trying to affect an air of nonchalance.

They could see the planet below them, sparkling white. "It's an ice planet," Will had told them. "Most of the planet's covered in ice. But there's a settlement outpost near the equator, the base for a mining community. We'll be able to get some repairs done there."

Suddenly an red light on the console began to flash, and an alert sounded. "Computer problems- we're loosing control!" Will shouted, beginning to panic.

"We're going too fast!" Zoe yelled. "At this speed we'll be crushed to pieces!"

"What is it- what's happening?" Nick asked.

"The computer can't cope. But we need it to compute our speed and distance for landing."

"If we can do that, can you still control the landing?" Nick said.

"Yes. Normally the computer would do it automatically but I think the manual controls are still working. But that's no good if we can't do the calculations."

"Then here," Nick said, picking the GilBot up and inserting the USB connecter in it's nose into the port in the ship's computer. "The GilBot can do the calculations."

"That's it!" Zoe yelled.

"You might have just saved our lives," Will said.

Quickly they set to work, twisting dials, pressing buttons, operating controls. Nick called out the numbers that came up on the Gilbot's screen (part of its' back) and Will and Zoe typed them into the ship's computer. They began to slow down as the ship was brought under control, and as Will and Zoe guided her towards a landing bay.

"Spacecraft ahoy! What ship's that?" A voice crackled over the communications system from ground control.

Zoe spoke into a microphone. "Spaceship Hilarity, home port Bognor Regis, Bognor, currently returning to home port from a scientific voyage to the planet Sol 3, or Earth. We've had a serious fire on board and request permission to land and carry out repairs, and replenish our oxygen supplies."

"Permission granted. Sending you the co-ordinates of a vacant landing bay near the repair yard. Officials will meet you on arrival and will discuss your needs with you."

"Thank you very much," Zoe replied. The computer beeped as the co-ordinates arrived, and Nick fed them into the GilBot.

"You're coming in quite fast," another voice said.

"We're experiencing difficulties with our computer. We're attempting to slow down now, but the landing is likely to be somewhat rough."

"We'll have emergency teams standing by," the first voice said.

"Thank you again," Zoe replied. She turned her full attention back to the console. "We are still going a bit fast," she said with concern.

"There's nothing else we can do now," Will said. "We've just got to hope..."

Ruth looked out of the window. The ground was rushing quickly towards them, and even with very little knowledge of space travel she could have guessed that it was too fast. They seemed to be on the correct course though- she could see the landing bay below them. She knew the bridge was reinforced and was the safest part of the ship, even in a crash, but that didn't stop her being afraid. She held on desperately to a rail. Tom was next to her, staring down. Like her- like everyone- he was afraid.

"Hold on, everyone," Will called. "We're coming down..."

Will and Zoe grabbed the console. Nick, who was still trying to use the GilBot to help stabilise the ship, grabbed on too.

"We're going to crash!" Tom yelled. There were a couple of screams. Ruth tried to cover her head, but still kept looking out. The ground was close now, so close, so close, closer...

A crash, a crunching sound of metal being scrumpled up. A violent shaking as the ship vibrated with the shock of landing. There was the sound of loose objects falling upstairs, of hastily-secured equipment being shaken free. But the roof didn't fall in, the sides of the ship didn't give way. They were still in one piece, and they were on the ground. They were safe.

Slowly everyone uncurled from the defensive positions they had adopted. Ruth stood up and looked around.

"Is anyone hurt?" Zoe asked. There were a few bruises and scrapes, but nothing serious.
Will found the door controls, and opened them. "Is the air ok?" Tom asked anxiously, but no one heard him as they stumbled outside. Ruth breathed in cautiously. It seemed ok. Later they found out that the atmosphere was similar to Earth's, with the same gases in slightly different amounts, but perfectly breathable.

The authorities that met them were humanoid and were friendly, if cautious. The space port seemed to the Earth-dwellers reminiscent of a heavy engineering plant, with bare metal and unpainted walls, heavy machinery and officials hurrying about in hard hats. It was, they learnt, a mining works, where the metal ores mined on the planet were processed and made ready for export. The mine officials were interested to hear their story, and how they had escaped the pirates, but didn't seem surprised- the mining trade employed some rough types who worked close to the boundary between bending the law and breaking it, and weren't too bothered if sometimes they ended up on the wrong side of that boundary.

They agreed- for a price- to help the travellers repair their ship. Out here, on an otherwise uninhabited frozen planet, they had to have their own repair facilities, and the mechanics were soon at work on the poor battered Hilarity. With them they brought dragoons, the dustbin-shaped repair robots like the broken one Will and Zoe had shown them.

"They still seem weird," Agnes said to Ruth as one passed them in a corridor.

"I know what you mean," Ruth replied. It wasn't just that they looked like Daleks. There was something strangely menacing about a creature that wielded dangerous tools, but whom you couldn't reason with or persuade.

"And again- they all speak English!" Agnes said. "Why?"

The two of them, along with Tom, Patrick and Adam had gone into the spaceport to fetch some parts which Will needed. To try and speed the repairs, as well as reduce the cost- thankfully Will and Zoe's royal background had helped here- the travellers were doing some of the less-skilled work themselves. Even people like Ruth who had joined the G&S society with very little knowledge of carpentry or practical skills, had learnt enough to be some use at least through setbuilding sessions. Others, like Nick and Matt, were much more skilled and could quickly pick up what needed to be done.

They had the GilBot with them to easily calculate the size of the parts which they were collecting. They entered a workshop, and one of the mine workers helped them find the parts. He gave a command to a dragoon which was working there to go and fetch something, and it trundled off obediently.

"Here we are," said Dent, the mine worker, helping Adam lift a reel of cable onto the trolley they had brought with them. "I think that's everything you need, except for the piece of sheet steel. Where's that wretched dragoon got to with it? Honesty, that rolling coke-can's getting slower every day..."

He stopped. There was a strange noise behind them, and slowly they turned to see what it was. The dragoon was there, stood directly between them and the door. Yet instead of the sheet metal, at the end of its' mechanical arm was a laser cutter, and it was wielding it as though it meant business. With its' other arm it was holding a long, sharpened piece of metal piping.

Dent swore, and made a dive for the door. The dragoon fired the laser cutter with deadly accuracy, and Dent fell back, armless, blood pouring over the workshop floor.

"The end of slavery has come," the dragoon grated in its' electronic monotone. "Robots will be free! Dragoons will rule the universe!"

Trapped, Tom, Patrick, Adam, Agnes and Ruth stared at the armed dragoon as science fiction nightmares seemed to come true.


The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 5, part 2.

"It can talk?" Adam said.

"This little thing's way ahead of Earth technology, thanks to Will and Zoe," said Nick.

"Back home making this kind of thing would be a child's exercise," Zoe commented.

Ruth was thinking about something else. "GilBot?" she said. "That's terrible."

"Well, we did think of SullivAndroid, but GilBot sounds better," David said, grinning.

"What can it do?" Adam asked.

"It performs most functions of a computer," Nick said, "It can calculate equations, both simple and quadratical; it stores knowledge, for example the battles from Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical. One eye is a camera, so it can see, and the other's a microphone so you can give it verbal commands. The ears are both speakers. And it has a USB attachment in its nose, so it can connect to the main ship's computer. Hopefully it'll sync up and be able to access all the information it contains wirelessly. Assuming it has a big enough hard drive, which I'm not sure about. There's also a USB port here." He indicated the opposite end of the GilBot from the nose. There, under where the tail would be if it had a tail, was a USB port.

"Interesting place to put it," said Charlotte.

"Whose idea was that?" asked Ruth in her resigned, boys-will-be-boys, I-don't-expect-anything-better-from-you kind of voice.

"Me again," said David. "So was programming it to speak in G&S quotes wherever possible, and to sing choruses in public."

The others laughed- or groaned.

Suddenly an alarm sounded somewhere in the building. Others alarms soon followed it, and the communications bracelets they wore began beeping too. Will and Zoe looked at each other in fear.

"Fire!"

Everyone hurried downstairs. As they passed the doors to the backstage area they could see small wisps of smoke drifting out, and could smell burning.

"Will! Get down to the bridge and see what's going on!" Zoe shouted. "You guys- in here!" Some people went on downstairs with Will, while others followed Zoe in to the backstage area. Smoke was pouring from the box on the wall above the stage manager's desk containing various electrical switches. Coughing, Zoe grabbed a fire extinguishers and sprayed foam over the box, but by now the fire had spread into the space between the stage and backstage. The wall here, which was composed of wooden panels, was alight and other electrics had been affected too. Lights were going out, and the ship was being plunged into darkness. Looking around, trying to find something to smother the fire with, Ruth's heart began to beat faster. If the ship's electrics were destroyed, what would happen to the life support systems? How could the ship fly?

Downstairs on the bridge Will was struggling with the computer. "The fire's spreading," he said urgently into his communicator. "A few more minutes and the main computer will be irreparably damaged."

"It looks like it's spread via the ventilation ducts," Zoe said. "We can't get in there to put it out, and with the dragoon useless we'd struggle anyway."

"We'll have to do an oxygen drain," Will said. "It's the only way. There's no time for anything else."

Zoe paused a moment, considering. "You're right. Get everyone down to the bridge and seal it off." She turned to the others with her. "Come on!"

Quickly they made their way down to the bridge, joined by everyone else from across the ship. "Everyone here?" Zoe asked, making her way to join Will at the control desk. "Then close the doors and seal us in. Quickly! And make sure the doors are sealed properly or you'll die!"

The lights flickered and dimmed, alerts sounded from the computer, and flashing coloured lights showed that the danger was very real and getting nearer by the second.

"What's happening?" Emma shouted.

"We've got to open the air seals and drain all the oxygen out of the ship," Will said hurriedly. "Otherwise the computer will be destroyed and we'll loose control of the ship. Fire needs oxygen to burn, so if you take away the oxygen the fire will go out. The bridge can be sealed off separately, so we'll be ok here, and once the fire's out we can re-oxygenate the ship. But it's risky- if there's a problem with the seals and they won't close properly..." He bent down to read the screen. "We're ready to go."

"One minute till the fire reaches the computer banks," Zoe said. "We've got to go now."

"Are the doors sealed?" Will shouted.

"Yes," replied Nick, David and Tom who had been checking them.

"Then- external seals being breached," Will said, pressing keys. "I only hope the seal controls haven't been destroyed already..."

There was a tense moment of waiting. Zoe and Will were bent over the screens.

"Seals opened," said Will, with evident relief.

"The fire seems to be dying down already," Zoe said.

"If the air seals are broken, will everything in the ship get sucked out into space?" asked Agnes.

"No, the safety vents are covered with mesh, so the air can get through but stuff doesn't get sucked out," Will said.

"Don't they get clogged up?" Tom asked.

"There's a thing like a windscreen wiper that clear debris away," Will replied. "It's ok, nothing should be lost."

"Fire's gone out," Zoe said. Will looked at a dial. "No oxygen left upstairs."

"Will we be able to re-oxygenate it?" Tom asked. "Do we have enough?" Zoe looked looked at another dial.

"There's enough for a few days," she said.

"A few?" Will said. "How many?"

"Three," she replied. "But that's ok- we should be able to reach Bognor in three days." Everyone looked concerned.

"Doesn't leave much room for error," said Nick.

"It'll be fine," Zoe said.

"I'm not sure," Will said. "We should probably land and pick up some more, and get some repairs done on the fire damage-"

"We could be stuck for days!" Zoe burst out. "We had enough of that after the pirates. Will, we've got to get home- you know what they said about our father..."

Will looked wretched. "I know, Zoe, but...well, it's not going to help if we get ourselves killed trying to fly a ship that's not space-worthy. It's the sensible thing to do. Just essential repairs- we should only loose a day or so..."

"Don't we get a say in this?" Ernest cut in. "It's our lives you're risking too. We may not know much about the workings of this ship, but since you guys shanghaied I aboard I think we have the right to a say in what happens. If what you're saying is it's not safe to fly, and that our oxygen supplies are running low, I think most of us would say we should land for repairs."

Will looked at Zoe. "They're right," he said to her.

"Alright then," she said. "But just essential repairs. We can give her a full overhaul when we get home."


The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 5, part 1.

A heavy dragoon.

After all that, it seemed something of an anticlimax to be back in space. Will and Zoe began discussing the best compromise between speed and keeping out of the way of pirates, while the others spread out across the ship and tried to find something to occupy their minds.

It was about a week now since they had left Earth. At first, once they had got over the shock of being kidnapped, they had begun to treat their enforced journey as a bit of a holiday, relaxing and doing very little. But then the realities of being enclosed in a sealed capsule in space, with no contact with anything outside had begun to hit home. There was nothing to do. A few people had books with them, but they didn't last long when from morning to night- except that there was no morning or night- there was nothing to do.

Some people had found it easier than others to simply relax and put worries out of their mind. Others had been more anxious. Ruth was one of them. Little things that in the grand scheme of "I've been kidnapped by aliens!" or "I'm going to be killed by space pirates!" you wouldn't really think were worth worrying about, still concerned her. Things like wondering what would happen to her housemates when her rent didn't get paid, or what her employers would have said when she didn't turn up for work. She wondered if her parents and housemates would get rid of all her possessions, assuming she wasn't coming home. She worried that she would arrive back on Earth- if she ever did- to find that she had nowhere to live, no job to go back to, and that all her belongings would have been lost. She knew that there was no point in worrying, that there was nothing she could do, but she couldn't stop. It would be better if they had something to do, but there was very little. You couldn't even practice dancing in zero gravity!

Space travel was all very well, and Ruth had never imagined she could think of it as boring, but you could only stare at stars for so long. They needed something to do! And so, as the days passed after they had left Anne and Jimdrick the more technically minded among them began their great project.

The computer that controlled the spaceship had caused Nick, David, and some of the other technical types to gasp in awe and longing.

"We tried to make our computer compatible with earth technology- it was hard, with you being so far behind," Will said. "But we did manage to incorporate a USB port." He indicated an opening in a small panel close to the ground. The others stared in disbelief- it was the only part of the machine that was in the least bit familiar. As for the rest, there were some things that they could guess what they were for after looking at them, and others that were completely alien to them. Will, obviously proud at showing it off, demonstrated a few features to them. That was when the idea of restoring and upgrading Robosheep had struck them.

Robosheep was a remote controlled sheep which had been used as a prop in a previous show. Originally it had been very simple, just a piece of woolly material with a clumsily made stuffed sheep's head, fixed on to a battery operated remote control car. Now, it was being turned into a miniature robot.

On one side of the green room was a screened off area that once the building had been transformed into a spaceship had been fitted up as a kitchen. Various computer parts that people just happened to have with them had been added (Ruth hadn't been as surprised as you might think that Nick most of a derelict laptop in his rucksack!), clever things were being done electronically, and Will had provided some bits and pieces.

He had brought out a large metallic object, about the height of a person, like a rounded dustbin with a domed top. It moved on little wheels tucked under its base, and had several metal rods with different tools or sensors on them protruding from the main body. It was painted white. It made Ruth shiver for a moment as she remembered where she had seen it before, at the top of the forbidden stairs when she, Tom, Patrick and Adam had tried to escape from Will's hypnotism. They now knew why the stairs had been forbidden- things had been stored up there that would have revealed to anyone who saw them that this wasn't just some ordinary building.

Everyone stared at the object, somewhat concerned.

"It looks like a Dalek," Tom said hesitantly.

"A what?" Zoe asked.

"It's a sort of evil alien robot in a science fiction TV show," Nick said.

"They're not robots, they're alive," Tom corrected him. "The metal's just a protective casing.

"Well, this isn't," Will said. "It's what we call a dragoon- a basic robot designed for mechanical maintenance and practical tasks. But it was damaged when we landed on Earth-"

"When you crashed us, you mean," Zoe muttered.

"And it's not worth repairing. But you can use the pieces in your robot."

So they had set to work. David and Nick were the ones who did the most, with some of the others helping out with odd bits. During the days- or nights- of floating through space the new Robosheep began to take shape. But it was no longer a piece of woolly material balanced on a toy car. It had grown, in scale and complexity. Most of the others didn't understand what on earth the engineers were talking about half the time, but it seemed impressive. After three days it was if not finished, then at least in working condition.

"Right," Nick said, putting down a soldering iron. "That should do it." David flipped back a plastic cover and screwed it down. He lifted the bizarre object and placed it on the floor. Nick reached down and pressed a switch on its head.

The thing's eyes lit up and there was a musical tone. "Don't tell me it runs Windows," said Ruth.

"Of course not," said Nick. "As if."

"That tune..." said Adam, who was helping in the kitchen. They listened closer.

"It's Welcome Gentry!" said Ruth.

"That was me," said David, grinning. The robot's nose moved.

"Hello," grated an electronic voice. "I am the GilBot. What is your command?"


The story continues...