Hilarity Ensues Episode 2, part 5.

Ruth looked up into the auditorium. Floating high up near the roof were two people, both looking scared. Their relief on seeing Ruth and the others was evident. Ruth moved up- it was almost like swimming- to greet them.

"What's happening?" asked one of the two fearfully. It was Claire, one of the technical crew. Like most of the techies, she came along to the odd society event in between shows, but only really spent much time with them as a whole during show week. As such, she probably wouldn't have come across the 'cult' or been brainwashed like the others.

The other stowaway was Agnes, a friend of Ruth and Tom's who had been part of the society a few years ago. Ruth remembered that she had been going to come to the evening performance. Presumable she and Claire had come into the hall just before the doors had been sealed, and then been trapped, wondering what on earth was going on.

"It's ok," she said automatically. The situation, in her opinion, was very far from ok, but since there was nothing they could do they might as well make the most of a bad job. The curtains around the windows at the top of the hall were floating up, and they could see the stars.

"You're not going to believe it," Ruth said. "It's...quite a story. We're in space- well, you can see that. Central Hall is actually a spaceship that was hidden on campus by two aliens who then joined G&S and hypnotised everyone so they could kidnap us." It sounded stupid. Agnes and Claire were staring at her, unsure whether to believe her or not, then they looked out at the stars, and remembered that they were floating, weightless, near the roof of the auditorium. They looked at Ruth and the others, and believed them.

"When the gravity went, and we suddenly started floating- we were so scared," Agnes said. "I'd met Claire outside and we came in through the fire exits backstage. We'd just come in when we heard a click, and the door must have locked behind us, and then something slid over it, like a seal. Anyway, we went up to the green room but there was no one there. We heard people in the auditorium and went to look but the building started to shake. When we got to the auditorium it was empty. Then the shaking got worse so we sat down and then...that must have been when it took off. And then after a while the gravity went, and we thought something had gone wrong..."

"It's just that the gravity generator takes up a huge amount of power- it's done with electromagnets- so we switch it off when it's not needed." Zoe had followed them up into the auditorium.

Ruth introduced them. "Agnes, this is Zoe. Although that's not her real name..."

"You can keep calling me it, though," Zoe said. "I like it."

"She and her brother Will- that's not his real name either- are the aliens who did this."

"Why?" Claire asked.

"We like G&S," Zoe said, lying back on nothing and relaxing. "I'd forgotten how comfortable zero gravity is."

"But...I mean, how do we eat? And sleep? And...wash, and stuff?" Ruth asked.

"You'll be surprised next time you go to the toilets," Zoe said, smiling knowingly. "There's some equipment you won't have thought of. As for eating, that's fun. Most of the time you can make do with just being careful and holding onto things. Or we can switch the gravity on just in the green room or the foyer to make things a bit easier. Sleeping," she lay back again, "well, you can either float free, like this, or we have these things that are a cross between hammocks and sleeping bags and you can tether yourself to something so you know you're going to wake up in the same place you went to sleep. Me, I like the sense of adventure from not tying it to anything. But it's up to you. You'll soon get used to it."

"But what about our families and housemates and stuff?" Agnes said. "If I don't go home they'll be worried, they'll phone the police..."

"They're not exactly going to be able to catch us, are they?" Claire said, depressed. "I'll never see my Andy again..."

"You'll get home eventually," Zoe said, sitting up. "I'd better go and check the autopilot." She floated off.

Ruth watched her go. "They say we needn't worry, that they'll get us home eventually, after we've visited their planet," she said. "I don't know if I trust them any more, but we've got to believe them. There's no choice but to hope." She drifted over to the window and looked back at the small bluey-greeny-white blob that was dropping further and further behind.


The story continues in Episode three...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 2, part 4.

Ruth had turned back to the window. With tears streaming down her face she watched as her planet receded into the distance. Patrick came over and looked out of the window next to her.
"We're in space," she said. It sounded stupid, obvious but somehow there didn't seem anything else to say. It had started out as just a normal last day of show week, looking forward to the final performance and the crash, and now...everything had changed. Her voice was full of amazement and awe as well as fear. "In space. In Central Hall."

"I always said Central Hall looked like a spaceship," Patrick said, with a smile. Ruth smiled back. "And all we have with us is our costumes and props. Do you think Will's people will want us to perform The Mikado for them?" They laughed, a slightly unnatural, forced laugh, but still a laugh.

"We've got the food and drink for the crash," Patrick said. "At least that's a bonus."

"You would say that," Ruth replied.

"So long as we don't drink and fly- then we really could Crash," Patrick said.

"Don't you ever take things seriously?" Ruth said, pretending to be more exasperated than she really was.

"No," Patrick replied. "Not unless I really have to."
"And this doesn't count as having to?"
"Well...it's not going to help, is it? So there's no point, really."

Will and Zoe had gone to check on the ship's progress. "We've done our best to keep her in working order," Zoe had said, "But sitting around for so long without moving's not good for the poor thing."

"So this thing might not even be safe," Ruth had heard Ernest mumbling. "Great. Wonderful."

The others had drawn together at the far side of the foyer and were talking together, while keeping an eye on Will and Zoe.
"What are we going to do?" asked Tom.
"I don't think there's anything we can do," Nick replied. "We can't get off this ship, we don't know how to fly it back and even if we did I don't think I'd dare, if it's in as bad a state as they seem to think. We've just got to go along with them."
"But what about our families- what are people going to think?" Charlotte said.
"Goodness knows," David replied. "But we've just got to hope that they decide to let us go, and that it's sooner rather than later."

"But- I mean how long is this going to take? It could take years just to get there!" Tom said.

"If those two only came for a year, I don't think it can take all that long," Nick said.

"You could just ask," Zoe said behind them. "It should take us about a fortnight to get home to Bognor. We may have to stop to refuel- I'm not convinced the stuff we synthesised on your planet is of a high enough quality to get us all the way home."

"You made your own fuel?" Tom asked.

"From the lake water," Will said. "I was pretending to be a chemistry student, remember? It was an ideal disguise for what I had to do. The right chemicals 'accidentally' got leaked into the lake and transformed it into fuel. The scientists down there didn't know what to make of it- they thought it was just pollution! I have to say, though, I didn't expect quite so many geese," he said. "And as for the black swans..."

"But you don't need to worry," he said, leaving the bar- or bridge, or whatever it was. "At first, yes I have to admit I just thought of you as potential specimens. But then...I got to know you, to see you as people. Zoe thinks I'm a bit crazy," he admitted, "but sometimes I wish I was one of you. I really liked being part of your community, joining in the shows and socials and everything. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to hurt you, honestly. I wanted to take something of what you were, what you had, with me when we left."

"I'll make sure you're not mistreated, that nothing happens to you. You'll be treated like royalty in Bognor Regis- like celebrities. And when you've helped us improve our culture, become more Earth-like, you'll be provided with transport home. I promise you that."

They had no choice but to hope he was telling the truth. A compromise was reached: they would not try to attack Will and Zoe, or hinder what they were doing, and in return they would be allowed their freedom. "But if you do anything that would cause us danger," warned Zoe, "We'll have to lock you up, for the good of the ship. The conditioning won't work now you know how to break it."

"I'm still impressed you worked that out, that you were able to fight it off," Will said. "It'll be an interesting study for my research."

"Is that all that's important to you?" asked Sarah. "Your research? I thought you loved me, but really it was just research?" She was sobbing, upset, over at the side of the room, with Emma and Natalie trying to comfort her.

"No, that's not...I do..." Will said, going over to her. She turned away from him. Annoyed, he turned back to the control terminal on the bar. There was an awkward silence among the others.

"One thing I don't understand," said Ernest, "is why boredom?"
"It is the state of openness of mind," Zoe replied, "Of contemplation of spiritual matters- that is what you mean by boredom, isn't it?" The others looked at each other.

"Well...not quite," said Ruth.

"Close," said Ernest.

Will was faffing with the controls on the bar. "We should switch off the artificial gravity to conserve power," he said. Ruth realised that she hadn't even considered that they should have become weightless once they had moved away from the Earth.

Will flicked a switch. For a few moments the change was hardly noticeable, then Ruth began to feel herself drifting gently upwards. The ceiling of the foyer was not high and she was worried that she would crash into it, but she was able to reach out and push herself away as it came close. She looked around and saw everyone else floating as she was- apart from Will, who had pulled out a kind of harness and strapped himself to the bar.

"What's that?" Adam asked suddenly. From the auditorium they could hear the sound of shouting. Everyone fell silent. "Is anyone up there?" Tom asked. Looking round, everyone seemed to still be in the foyer, clustering together to try and draw comfort from one another in the terrible situation they were in.

"Someone must be," said Ruth. She tried to make her way towards the stairs up into the auditorium. It was tricky, she hadn't quite worked out how to propel herself in the weightless situation.

"Shall I switch the gravity on again?" Will said.

"No!" Tom replied. "If there's someone up there and they don't know- they could get hurt!"

Ruth managed to reach the steps and almost swam up into the auditorium. The shouting came from above her. She looked up.

"Oh," she said. Patrick and some of the others had followed her, and looked up too. "It's ok," she shouted back down. "I think we've got a couple of stowaways."

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 2, part 3.

"Why?" Adam said. "Why have you done this? Hypnosis, kidnapping- why? What do you want us for?"

"My people are great admirers of earth culture," Will said. "So sophisticated- considering your rather backward technological development and the mess you've made of the planet. So they decided to send an expedition to study your culture, from the inside as it were.

"Unfortunately, not everything went to plan. Our sources suggested that York would be a good place to start our research- a city of much history and culture. But the landing was a little- awkward."

"You botched it," Zoe said. "You know that funnel shaped lump of metal outside Wentworth? The one they say is modern sculpture? That was our main weapons attachment. And those weird balls of cogs near Goodrick? And the bent bits of metal on the hill next to the lake? And-"

"Yes, I think they get the picture," Will interrupted. "I did my best. I didn't want to land on any ducks."

"You should have let me do it," Zoe complained.

"I passed my pilot's licence three years before you," Will said. "Anyway, we landed, and began our research. We had a year to complete our work. To start with we weren't having much luck, then I saw a poster advertising your summer show and thought it might be worth joining your society as a way of getting close to people and being able to experience Earth live. It worked, too. I got no end of useful information. So in October Jegsdda decided to join too. Everything was going so well, it seemed a shame we'd have to leave at the end of February- as your calendar describes it."

"But- hang on," Tom said. "Are you saying that Central Hall only appeared on campus last Easter? Because it didn't, it's been there forty years! I've been at York uni for the last 6 and I've been in it loads of times before last March..."

"Indeed it has been there forty years," Will said, smiling. "You see our technology is rather more advanced than yours. Once we had identified York uni as a suitable base for our research, we used our temporal drive to send the ship back in time to when the campus was being built. So it has been there all this time, the memories you have are real. But you do not see all of the ship- certain parts have been hidden. Hidden right where everyone can see them, just unnoticed, accepted as part of the building, little quirks that no one bothers to explain. Like the fact that you all knew there was a storage space in the roof of the building- but that no one ever knows what is kept there. Like the fact that the plans of the hall show blank areas labelled "ventilationplenium " and "plant" but no one ever knows quite what they are for. All those strange little quirks that don't make sense. For example, in all the times you've been in here, have you ever seen the bar open before now?"

They all shook their heads. "I suppose that explains why the acoustics are so odd," Patrick said, trying to produce a smile in the tension.

"And the electrics," said Bill. "Even the porters and technicians don't understand them."

"You mean you can travel in time?" Tom asked in amazement.

"Not people," Zoe replied. "That's far too dangerous. But inanimate objects, yes. We sent the ship back in time, but we stayed now. And of course the ship was here too, because it would still be here when it got to now."

"I see," said Tom slowly. As a physicist, he found the idea interesting and challenging. But there were more important things to worry about.

"Can you take us back?" Emma asked.

"I'm afraid not," Will said.

"What!"

"Well, not now, at least," Will said. "Entering the atmosphere of a planet is difficult and dangerous- I'm sure you know that. As you probably guessed, our suspension is somewhat in need of repair- if anything goes wrong with the landing this time it would really go wrong and we could smash the ship and kill everyone on board. And even if we could land, I'm not sure whether we'd have enough fuel to lift off again. But as well as all that- Zoe and I can't go home without you. If we land, we'll probably never take off again, and we want to get back to Bognor."

"You mean we can't get home?"

"No. I'm afraid not."

"Don't you have some kind of emergency craft?"

"Of course. It's what you've always thought was the lift. But you won't all fit in it."

"So we're trapped."

"I'm afraid so."

Several people had already been on the verge of tears. This was just too much. Everyone was afraid, everyone was tense.

"Why did you do this to us?" shouted Sarah.

"It was part of our research," Will said. "It was a condition of our funding. We were to bring back some, er, specimens."

"Specimens? We're specimens for your research?"

"Not just that," Will said hurriedly. "Cultural consultants, if you like. We will return you home eventually. We want to learn from you,to understand how your society works."

"What, the Gilbert and Sullivan society?"

"Why us?" Emma asked.

"Well, like I said...you're a society. You can teach us how to run our society..."

"I think you've got confused between society, as in a club, and society as in a culture and...oh what the hec, it really doesn't matter," Ernest said. "So that's why you hypnotised us; so you could kidnap us and take us off to your planet."
"We'd thought it would be best, would cause you all less trauma. You wouldn't know what was happening until we were well out of danger. But that didn't quite go to plan- I overlooked you four." He indicated Ruth, Patrick, Tom and Adam. "And I didn't realise that you'd fought quite that much- you must be very strong-minded. And it took longer than we were expecting to prepare for take off. We wanted it to take place during boredom, and then while your minds were open, bored, I'd give a command, just before take off, for you to go to sleep, and you would. Then when we were out in deep space I'd wake you up- probably not all at once, just in case- explain the situation, and everything would be ok. We didn't want to have to use force to get you to come, we hoped that once you were presented with a fait accompli you would agree to come along for a while."

"It doesn't look like we have a choice," Ernest said.

"What do you mean, use force?" David said. "Your weapon doesn't work."

"That one doesn't," Zoe replied. "We do have more than one. And before you get any ideas, they're hidden and locked away."

"So we're not just trapped," Patrick said. "We're prisoners."

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 2, part 2.

"Atmospheric controls functioning."

"Thrust stabilisers locked in."
"Fuel levels stabilised."
"Shields at maximum."

The majority of the Gilbert & Sullivan society had watched in amazement and horror as Central Hall had risen vertically into the air, great jets of steam shooting out below them and blast drying the now drained lake- accidentally cooking a few ducks who had been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

They had gone on rising, higher and higher. Some people had turned away from the windows in terror. Ruth kept staring out, even though she was afraid, as the building- or was it a building?- continued its ascent until it was high above the clouds. The earth was getting smaller and smaller below. First of all buildings and cars looked like toys, then she was unable to individual buildings, then the whole countryside began to look like a satellite photo.

Ruth stared at York Minster as it grew smaller and smaller, then at the city of York as that too grew so small as to be unidentifiable. Then she looked up, and caught her breath. The stars were rushing towards them, faster and faster, tiny points of light that were so far away that even as they rose towards them they became no larger. It was beautiful. She looked back down. The Earth was now so far below that she could see the curvature of the globe. From flat, it became a curve, then the curve grew into a ball. Ruth looked down. It was so stunningly beautiful that she almost forgot her fear. Almost.

"Sufficient altitude reached."
"Course set, and autopilot on."
"We did it," Will said, releasing the last lever and turning to Zoe. "Just. I didn't think the suspension had gone quite as badly as that."
"Landing's going to be interesting," she said.

"Hopefully we'll be able to do some repairs before we have to land," he replied.
"Excuse me," said a quiet voice that nonetheless hinted that there might be danger in ignoring it, "but would it be troubling you too much to explain what the hell's going on?"

Will and Zoe turned to see that David had picked up the weapon Zoe had been brandishing earlier and was now aiming it at them.
"Oh, yes. Sorry," Will said. "And you can put that thing down. It's not worked for months- even if you know how to use it."
"Then why were you telling her not hurt us?" Emma demanded.
"I didn't want her to get angry. Have you seen her when she's angry, armed or not?"
"I don't think we know anything about either of you. I get the impression that everything you've told us is a lie," Ernest said. "What is going on?"

"First of all, what about breathing?" Tom asked anxiously. "How much oxygen have we got?"

"You don't need to panic," Will said. "We breathe oxygen too. There is a recycling system, and a backup system, plus emergency supplies. And there is food, and water- more recycling systems, obviously- and hygiene systems, and everything necessary. We're not idiots, you know."
"What are you- who are you?" Ernest asked.

Will and Zoe looked at each other. "My name," Will said, "is Rawerkj Rdircahpaerrds. This is my sister, Jegsdda Rdircahpaerrds."
"And cousin. And aunt," Zoe said.

"How can you be his sister and his cousin and his aunt?" David asked.

"It's all a bit complicated," Will- none of them could remember, let alone pronounce his real name. And as for spelling... "Families among us aren't the same as they are with you."

"Who do you mean by "among us?" Tom asked.

"We are not from your planet," Will said.

"I think we'd kind of guessed that," Ernest replied.

"We are from a planet in the solar system of the star Dkafka. My father is the ruler of that planet. I am, as you would say, a prince."

"What is the planet called?" Adam asked.

"Bognor."

"Bognor!"

"Is there something wrong with that?" Zoe said.

"No, no...nothing," Adam said. "Er...does it have a meaning?"

"Beautiful planet," Zoe said.

"I...see," Ernest said.

"Our home is in Bognor Regis, capital city of the Bognorian kingdom- you're laughing!"

"I'm sorry," Emma said. "Only...there is a town on earth called Bognor Regis and...it's not known as a very nice place. It's nothing personal, I assure you."

"I hope not," Zoe said. "You wouldn't like it if we put you in the airlock and opened the doors..."

The others took a step back, then David spoke.

"I think you're forgetting something. There are only two of you, and lots of us. You said that thing doesn't work, so I think we have the advantage here."

"On the other hand, we are the only two people who know how this ship works," Will said calmly.

There was silence for a couple of minutes. The spaceship- it was clear now that this is what Central Hall was- continued its ascent. The Earth got smaller and smaller. Ruth looked at it. What was going to happen? Would they ever return?

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 2, part 1.

Here's a how-de-do!
They all stood there at the bottom of the two staircases and stared. The bar that stood in the middle of the foyer, normally locked and closed with shutters, had been opened up. But rather than taps and bottle holders, it was full of strange and oddly shaped machinery, small glowing screens and buttons, dials and switches.
In the midst of it all sat Will. He was concentrating on one screen in particular, with one hand on a large dial and the other on a lever set into the side of the bar.
"What the...?" asked Ernest, looking at the machinery in wonder.
"Will, what are you doing?" Sarah, Will's girlfriend cried. Will looked up.
"I suggest you all find something to hold on to- now!" he said loudly.
"I suggest you explain what the hell is going on," David replied angrily. Will didn't reply, but concentrated on the screen in front of him. David stepped forward, followed by Ben and Nick, but before they could get near him Zoe straightened up from where she had been bent down behind the bar. She was holding a large metal rod with a box on one end. They didn't need to be told that it was a weapon.
"Stop there, and do what he says," Zoe said. Patrick looked at her, trying to work out if she had been hypnotised. But the expression in her eyes was totally different from that of the others when they had been chasing them. He didn't think she was. Suddenly he remembered the first voice he had heard when he woke up after the conditioning. He hadn't been able to place it before, but now he knew. It was Zoe.
"Don't hurt anyone," Will said. He sounded stressed, and was concentrating hard on the screen and dial.
"Don't hurt anyone?" Tom said incredulously. "You hypnotised us against our will and tried to force us to do what you wanted! And now you say don't hurt anyone!"
"Listen, just do what he says and find something to hold onto. We'll explain later. You'll regret it if you don't..."
All this time the building had continued shaking. Patrick remembered the old story that the hall was slowly sinking into the lake. Was the shaking connected to the draining of the lake? What was Will doing?
"I think we should do as he says," Emma said, looking from Will's face to Zoe's. Slowly the others spread out across the foyer and found things to sit on or hold on to. A screen had slid across the doors, Patrick noticed, trapping them inside. What was happening?
Zoe had turned back to the bar once the others had moved away, but she still kept the weapon close to her. She too was peering at a screen, and her hands moved across a small keyboard.
"All clear," Zoe said.
"Almost there," Will replied, "NOW!"
The shaking increased to a point where Patrick was sure the building was going to fall to pieces around them. Someone screamed. Natalie clung to Ben, who put an arm around her and tried to comfort her, but without much conviction. Ernest had drawn Emma close to him, but that didn't stop them both looking apprehensive.

Will was counting. "Ten...nine...eight..."

Tom had run to one of the emergency exits and was tugging at the bar, but it wouldn't open."
"It's stuck," he cried.
"No, they're locked," replied Zoe. "Opening the doors now would be very dangerous."
"Let us out!" David shouted.
"Hold on!" Will cried. "Five...four..."
"What's going on?" Tom yelled.
"Two...one..."
Will pushed the big lever next to him and the movement of the building changed. The shaking ceased.
"Lift off!"


The story continues...