Happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas to anyone who might happen to be reading this! 


Just a note to tell you to watch this space...Hilarity Ensues may be over, but something else might be on the way.  That's why this blog is changing its' name to "What Precious Nonsense", as a generic title that aptly describes the content.  As for what this new thing might be...watch this space!


Happy New Year!

Hilarity Ensues Episode 10, part 7.

   The travellers looked at each other in confusion.  Will sat down on the steps to the platform.  "So I am really human- I am from Earth!" he said dazedly, looking at Zoe.  

   "You're still my brother to me," she said.  

   "But what am I going to do?" he began, but there was a shout behind them.

   They turned round.  Friderts had jumped down from the platform and knocked the embracing women to the ground.  "You double-crossing hag!" he shouted, trying to strangle the old nurse.  "You told me the child died of space-sickness!"

    Queen Argent was quick to restrain him, and the old woman looked up at him from the floor.  "I lied," she said, struggling to breathe.  "I passed off a doll as the baby, a doll I painted the green of space-sickness so that no one would come near for fear of infection.  And when I told you it had died you just flung it out into space and returned home as quickly as you could.  And there's an end of all your lies and plots and blackmails!"  She grabbed the quartermistress's weapon.  Queen Argent and the quaretermistress reached out to stop her, but it was too late.  She fired at Friderts, who slowly sank to the floor.  The chief ninja bent down to him.

   "Dead," he said.

   "He should have stood trial," said Zoe.  "Still, I hope a court will show more leniency towards the old nurse than he ever did to that poor child."      

   "So the prince- no, king- of Bognor should really be Jimdrick?" Agnes asked incredulously.  Zoe shook her head.  "Our monarchy is elective- the Senate chooses who of the close relatives of the former monarch will rule after them.  Will was chosen as his father's heir.  But now- it is for the Senate to decide."

   The members of the Senate had been huddled together further down the hall, whispering together.  One of them now came forward to speak for them.  "This prince who was stolen is indeed a legitimate heir to the late king, but as he has not been brought up here we do not think he will be the best person to rule as he will have no understanding of our governance or culture.  Although the man we call Prince Rawerkj is not of this planet, he has been brought up as the king's heir, and has proved his worth, and if he wishes he may still rule us."

   Will seemed to make a decision.  "No," he said.  "I'll stand down."  

   "Are you sure?" Zoe said, looking at him.  

   "I am," he said.  "You'll make a much better monarch than I would.  And I can be free to return to Earth, or at least to visit."

   The nobleman had turned back to the Senate, and once again he came forward with their decision.  He knelt before Zoe.  "Then will you, princess and undoubted heir in both blood and upbringing, become our queen?" 

   "I will," Zoe said.

   "All hail Queen Jegsdda!  Long live the Queen!"

   A month later, the coronation feast for Queen Jegsdda was held in that same hall.  In seats of honour at the top table sat the travellers.  They had been treated very well during the preceding weeks, and had spoken to many of the ministers of state and the country's leaders, all curious to know what life on Earth was like.  They had been amused and bemused at the respect Earth was regarded with.

   "How do people here know so much about Earth?" Ruth had asked Will one day.

   "And how come they speak English?" Agnes had asked.

   "We love the BBC," Will had replied.  "The whole galaxy does.  There are long distance repeater satellites stationed near Earth to pick up the signal and broadcast it back to us."  He had turned on a computer screen and shown them part of an episode of Dr Who which was being broadcast.  "It's so great," he said.  The travellers had looked at one another incredulously.

   A full overhaul of the Hilarity had been carried out, and she was ready to set off again.  The travellers, including Will, were to leave in her the next morning to return to Earth.  Ruth was glad to be returning, but she was also sad to be leaving Bognor.  After all they had been through to get here, she knew that her life back on Earth wouldn't be quite the same as it had been before.  After the adventures of the last few weeks the daily routine of get up, go to work, come home, eat, sleep, with occasional intervals of singing would seem boring- more than it had before.  What sort of world were they going back to?  One deep in recession, high unemployment, the university administration being a pain in the sub-committee and little to look forward to in the future but more of the same dreary grey days with just the occasional burst of sun.  When there was so much else out there!  

   She shook herself and turned back to the celebrations.  She felt guilty that part of her didn't really want to go home, and somehow disloyal to her home, but she knew that she had to return.  

   At the top of the hall, Zoe stood up and everyone fell silent.  

   "My friends, counsellors and subjects," she began, and Ruth was surprised to hear that she was still talking English.  Most of the ceremonies during the day had been in Bognorian.  "Thank you for your company today and for your congratulations.  But I would not be standing here today if it was not for the help of many people, most of all my friends who travelled with us from Earth.  Tomorrow they return to their homes, and I have here gifts for them as thanks and compensation for all the dangers they have undergone."  She beckoned to some servants, who came forward and placed a small case in front of each of the Earth-dwellers.  Inside each was a small but advanced looking computer.  

   "The galactic interconectwork is being expanded to cover Earth so you'll be able to contact us, using these," Zoe continued.  "And they are compatible with Earth technology and computers.  And you'll have the Hilarity.  You will all be welcome to return, if you choose."

   The travellers looked at each other.  Ernest stood up.  "Thank you," he said.  "And we will always welcome you to Earth."

    The feast ended soon after that.  The next morning Zoe came down to the spaceport to say her final goodbyes.  Parting from Will, who she had grown up with, was the hardest, but she was evidently sad to be parting from the Earth-dwellers too.  

   "I've got one more present for you," she said to Tom, handing him a parcel.  Opening it he found a new scarf, longer than ever, in the colours of the flag of Bognor."  

   "Thank you," he said, draping it around his neck several times.

   "That'll be useful if we need to tie anyone up on the way home," Adam said, smiling.

   Zoe held Ruth back for a moment as the others began to enter the ship.  "One thing I've got to ask," she said.  "Are you and Patrick a couple?"  Ruth smiled, an odd little smile with something of exasperation, something of humour and something else.  "No, we're just friends," she said.  "Although you're not the first to ask."   

   Saying a final goodbye she turned and entered the ship, and within a few minutes she was standing with Tom, Agnes and  Adam looking down as the familiar yet strange green-blue planet shrank below her.  Of course she was glad to be going home, but she knew that, despite all the dangers she had been through, she would miss life in space.

   Patrick came up beside them.  "OK?" he asked her.  She nodded.  For a moment they all stood there in silence, then Patrick spoke.  

   "There once was a very adventurous cornflake..."

   "No!" Adam said.

  "Ok then, have you heard about the pink gorilla?" Patrick said irrepressibly.

   "Nooo!!!" Agnes and Tom joined Adam's exclamation of disgust.

   Ruth winked at Patrick, and began to speak.  "Well...Cecil is a caterpillar, and Cecil is my friend..."




The End.

Hilarity Ensues Episode 10, part 6

   The Earth dwellers followed Zoe and Will into the main tower of the castle.  There, in a large hall, the members of the Bognorian Senate had gathered, together with many of the pirates and astroninjas.  On a platform at one end of the hall stood the chief ninja and Queen Argent.  Between them stood someone who Ruth assumed was Friderts, a tall fair humanoid looking angry, disappointed and rather scared.

   The Senate members stood up as Will and Zoe entered, and bowed as they walked the length of the hall to the platform, followed by the Earth-dwellers.  Friderts put on a nasty little smile, and made a mock bow as they climbed the steps towards him.

   "Welcome back, your majesties," he said sarcastically.  "I am pleased to see that you have finally decided to return to this humble planet of your birth.  I was much afraid that your alien friends had seduced you into remaining on Earth."

   "Alien friends?" Agnes whispered.

   "He means us," Patrick said.  "I suppose here we are aliens."

   "I don't think he means it in a nice way, though," Ruth said worriedly.

   "None of that, Friderts," Zoe said.  "We've heard your lies to the Senate, that we had abandoned the planet.  Lies told when you knew full well that we were on our way home.  Oh yes, you knew, because of the dragoon robot you planted in our ship to spy on us.  We thought it was dead, but it wasn't, was it?  Only your tampering with it's systems sent it insane- a shame you weren't better at electro-engineering!  Even after we'd removed pieces, when its' systems came into contact with other dragoons they turned on us and tried to kill us!  It would have looked just like an accident, if it had worked.  And you hoped that even if it didn't kill us the people at the base would blame us and keep us prisoner, and that nearly worked too.  But we got away, only to be attacked again by astroninjas in your pay.  Try to deny that; their chief is here to speak for them.  But it seems we proved a little harder to kill or imprison than you thought."

   Friderts looked from Zoe to Will and back again.  "Very well, I won't try to deny what I did," he said.  "But I did it to save the planet from the disastrous consequences of a disputed succession."

   "What dispute?" said Will.  "There is none that I know of."

   "Allow me to produce a witness, here before the Senate, and you will know," Friderts said.  Will and Zoe looked at each other and shrugged.  "Very well," Will agreed.  Friderts spoke to the chief ninja, who took a couple of his troops and left the hall.  Queen Argent remained standing beside Friderts, tall, fierce and determined.

   Will sat down on the steps leading onto the platform, and rested his head on his hands.  "What's up?" Zoe asked him, sitting down too.  The travellers gathered around them.  "Oh, nothing," he said.  "I just can't help wondering...I don't really want to be king."

   "What?" said Ernest.  "But I thought you did.  What was the point of fighting if you didn't?"

   "Once you've settled down it'll be ok," said Emma.

   "It's not that," he said.  "But I don't want to be tied down here.  I loved Earth.  I...I want to go back.  I don't want to be separated from you guys."  He spoke as if to them all, but his eyes were on Sarah.  She moved closer to him.  The others looked at one another awkwardly.

   "But it's your duty," Zoe began.

   "I know," Will said dully.  "I must do it."

   The chief ninja re-entered the hall.  Following him between two ninjas was an elderly woman who looked terrified, as if she expected someone to harm her.  She's been a prisoner for some time, Ruth thought.  Poor woman.

   Friderts turned to Will as he stood up.  "This was your nurse as a baby," he said.  "But what a story she has to tell!"

   Will turned to the old woman.  "Tell me," he said.  "You don't need to be afraid."  She looked up at him without much hope in her eyes and began to speak.  

   "The royal prince was by the king entrusted to my fond care, ere I grew old and crusted," she said.  "But I was a stupid nursery-maid, and my lord Friderts found our about some of my mistakes, and threatened to reveal them to the queen unless I did as he said.  He told me to take the baby prince and replace him with another baby, which he would give me.  That baby was not of the royal family, or even of this planet, but a human child, stolen from an orphanage!"

   There were gasps from the Senate.  The travellers watched Will.  His eyes were focused on the old lady, his expression shocked.  Sarah put an arm around his shoulders, but he barely seemed to notice.  Friderts stood by, quietly watching with a satisfied smile on his face.  

   "I did as he told me," the nurse said nervously, "although I am ashamed of it now.  I stole the prince, and put the human baby in the cot instead.  His parents never knew.  The prince I took to Friderts, who laughed and said that he would send the prince to Earth, where the he would be abandoned to die, or to live in poverty and obscurity in an orphanage.  Then, once the prince came of age, Friderts would be able to create havoc by saying that he was not the king's child, demanding a DNA test and proving it, thereby casting shame on the queen's head and jeopardising the succession.  But- that isn't quite what happened." she stopped and looked up at Friderts, who suddenly seemed very alert.  The smile had disappeared.

   "What did happen?" Ruth asked gently.  "We need to know the truth."

   "The baby and I were aboard the ship, ready to leave, when I knew that I couldn't do it.  But Friderts had threatened to kill me if I told anyone else.  So I told my sister I was in trouble, that I'd had a baby but couldn't look after him or I'd loose my job at the palace.  She worked aboard one of the big interplanetary liners.  I gave the baby to her, and she smuggled it aboard her ship, and they left.  She kept the child with her until a few years later they were attacked by pirates."

   There was an exclamation from further down the hall.  Queen Argent's quartermistress came up to the platform as fast as her stout body would allow her.  The elderly nurse stared at her and cried out in Bognorian.  The two long-lost sisters embraced.  

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 10, part 5

  The main battle for the castle just seemed to Ruth to be a hideous confusion of noise and movement.  Once they were through the castle walls her small group headed for the area where, according to the Bognorian nobles who were guiding them, prisoners were kept.  They didn't know if they would find Adam and the noble Agorna there, or even if they were still alive, but it seemed the best place to start looking.

   The door to the dungeons was guarded, of course, but the pirates were able to take care of that.  Once inside they hurried down the steep stone stairs to a guard room where keys to all the cells were hanging on the wall.  A couple of surprised guards tried to stop them but failed.  Some of the group tried to work out which key fitted which door, while others ran along the corridors looking through the tiny peepholes on the cell doors to try and find the missing emissaries.  

   "Here," Patrick called out suddenly.  "They're here!"

   "What number?" Ruth called.

   "Forty seven!" he yelled.  Tom grabbed the key and they ran towards Patrick at the end of the corridor.

   "Are they ok?" Agnes demanded, reaching the door as Tom fitted the key into the lock.

   "I'm not sure," Patrick said.  "They looked like they were asleep..." The door opened and they hurried into the small room beyond.  Adam was lying on a hard bed.  

   "Adam?  Adam!" They tried to wake him, but it was no good.  Anxiously Ruth felt for a pulse, fearing the worst.  She found it, with great relief, and she could see him breathing.  But neither he nor the Bognorian lord Agorna, who they found in the next cell would wake up.

   "They must be drugged," Tom said.  "We'll have to carry them."  They managed to improvise a couple of stretchers from the bedding in the cells, and the Bognorian lords and the pirates helped to carry them back up the corridor.  

   But when they reached the doorway back into the courtyard they found that their enemies had got there before them.  

   "Back the other way!" Tom shouted.  The pirates held their opponents back while the others ran back along the corridor.  At the far end it went up some steps and into a stone-built room with sinks and fireplaces- a kitchen.  There was another door at the far side.  Ruth tried to open it.

   "It's locked!" she cried.  "We're trapped!"  The others set the stretchers down and began pushing at the door but it was no use.

   The pirates took up positions by the open door.  "They're right behind us," one said as they turned to hold back the enemy as long as possible.  But one of the enemy soldiers had managed to slip past and began advancing on the group clustered round the unmoving door.  They shrank back into the corner.  Ruth pulled open a drawer behind her and grabbed a knife.  In blind fear and panic she threw it at the soldier.  The piece of cutlery struck the soldier- and bounced off.  Ruth stared blankly at it as it lay in the floor.  It was not a knife she had pulled from the drawer but a tablespoon!

   The soldier grinned nastily and continued to advance on her.  Ruth scrabbled in the drawer but could not find a knife.  And despite the soldier's immediate proximity she was not sure sure if she could have used it if she had.  He loomed over her and she shut her eyes in fear.

   A second of anticipation seemed to last an age.  Then she felt Patrick touch her arm and call her name.  She opened her eyes to see her assailant lying on the floor, cut down by one of the pirates who had managed to get away from the fighting at the door.  

   She looked round.  The closed door now stood open, and the others were carrying the stretchers through.  "There was a bolt at the top," Patrick said.  "Are you all right?"  Ruth felt very foolish.  "Let's get out of here," she said.

   Along another corridor, down more steps and through another door and they were out into the main castle courtyard.  The main battle was almost over.  Ninjas and pirates were pursuing fleeing enemies around the area inside the castle walls.  What exactly had happened Ruth and her party weren't sure about, but it was apparent that Will and Zoe had won.

   Ruth saw Will and Zoe coming towards them.  "We've won!" Zoe said exultantly.  "The castle is ours, and Friderts is our prisoner.  He tried to slip away disguised as a soldier but he was found.  We're just going to see him now."

   Agnes pointed to the stretchers.  "They're alive, but it looks like they've been drugged," she said.  "Can you help them?"

   Will knelt beside Adam.  "They're not drugged," he said.  "It's a kind of trance."

   "How can we wake them?" Patrick asked.  The other Earth-dwellers were gathering around them.  

   "I believe it is sound sensitive," Will said, looking at the two unconscious victims.  "We can only free them by finding a piece of music similar to the one played to put them in the trance.  But I do not know what that will be like." 

   "Must be a girls' chorus," Agnes muttered.  "Some of them are enough to send you to sleep."

   "Is this really the time for jokes?" Emma snapped angrily.

   "No, maybe you're on to something," Will said.  "What's the worst one?"  Ruth began to sing:

"In lazy languor motionless, 

We lie and dream of nothingness,

For visions come 

From Poppydom

Direct at our command."  

   Those who knew the song- not many- joined in.  For a while nothing seemed to be happening.  Then Will, who was watching Adam's face saw his eyelids flutter.  

   "It's working," Will said.  He looked across at Agorna.  The song finished, and he had not stirred.  

   "Something else," Will said.  This time Patrick began and Ruth joined in.

   "Oh love, true love,

Unworldly, abiding

Source of all pleasure

True fountain of joy."

   After a moment Adam's eyes were wide open, and he put his hands to his ears.  Agorna stirred and his eyes opened too.  Ruth bent down to hug Adam.  "Are you ok?" she asked.  "I think so," he said.  "They wouldn't even listen to us, but put these headphones on us and...I don't remember any more."

   "Come on," said Zoe, grim faced.  "We need to see uncle Friderts."

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 10, part 4

   That, Ruth thought later, was the easy part.  Once they and the Senate emerged from the chamber of the House they found that messengers had arrived to say that Friderts had retreated into the royal castle and was gathering his forces there.  It was a strongly fortified building a short distance downriver from the Senate building.  Looking up at it from a safe distance, Ruth wondered how they were going to defeat Friderts now.  It seemed impregnable.

   "We should send him an ultimatum," Zoe said.  "Tell him to surrender now or suffer the consequences."

   "He won't surrender," Will said.  

   "Nevertheless, it's the right thing to do," Zoe said.

   "The bearer will be in great danger," one of the Bognorian nobles warned.  "It is likely that Friderts will keep him or her as a hostage."

   "I will go," Zoe said.  The noble shook his head.  "You cannot go," he said vehemently.  "If you or your brother fell into his hands it could destroy us!"

   "Then who will go?" Zoe said.  There was silence around them.

   Once again Ruth felt that she should volunteer, despite her earnest desire to do no such thing.  She looked up at Will, half opening her mouth, but he shook his head.

   "You and Patrick have done enough for us already," he said.  Ruth looked down, relieved yet ashamed.

   "I'll go," Adam said, stepping forward.  "What do you want me to say?"

   "Are you sure?" Ruth asked him.  "You know what they might do..."  Adam nodded awkwardly.  "After what you did, I can't not."

   One of the Bognorian nobles stepped forward.   "I will go too," he said.  "You will need someone who speaks Bognorian."

   The others watched as the two walked forward towards the gates of the castle, slowly, their arms stretched out to show that they meant no harm, carrying a flag of truce.  They stopped a short distance from the main gate, and the nobleman hailed the guards in Bognorian, asking for permission to enter and speak to Friderts.

   "They're not firing at them," Zoe said.  "That's a good sign."

   Ruth watched as a side gate was slowly opened for Adam and the nobleman to pass through.  She remembered their days of imprisonment with a shudder and hoped that Adam would be ok.  Friderts did not sound like a nice person to be the prisoner of.  The gate closed behind them with a clang and there was nothing they could do now but wait and hope.  

   They waited until hope was running dry, and then waited some more.  Still there was no sign from the castle, either good or bad.  The travellers shuffled their feet awkwardly and looked sideways at Will and Zoe as they whispered together or spoke in Bognorian to the nobles.  Eventually another of the nobles stepped forward gingerly towards the gates of the castle.  A shot passed over his head.  The tension in the group of watchers increased.  The noble stopped, and called out to the guards, but the only reply was further shots, and he turned and hurried back to safety.

   "We were trying to find out what had happened to Adam and Agorna," Will said, turning to the travellers.  "But it looks like they won't even tell us.  We have to fear the worst."  The others looked at each other, shocked that they might not see Adam again, apprehensive as to what would happen next.

   "Now we have no choice but to storm the castle!" Zoe said.  The other's fear increased.

   "We don't know how to fight," Tom said.  

   "You won't have to, I hope," Will said, "We'll make sure you have weapons, just for self defence.  But fortunately we have our friends the astroninjas and the pirates to do most of the fighting- and with the Senate on our side I suspect a lot of the people of the city will join us too."

   "But first we've got to get a message to the ninjas inside the castle," Zoe said.  "It's getting dark."

   Ruth and the others crouched in the shadows just out of shot from the castle walls, waiting for the signal to advance.  Ruth was afraid, but she was used to that now.  After she had been so close to death and survived, it seemed cruel that she should be in danger again so soon.  But she was a different person from the girl who had left Earth what seemed an age ago.  They had all changed, and her not the least.  She felt the weight of the gun in the holster at her waist and hoped she would not have to use it.  

   Patrick was at her side, with Tom and Agnes close behind.  They had decided, when going through the plan with Zoe and Will, that once they got into the castle they would try to find out what had happened to Adam and the Bognorian lord Agorna who had gone with him.  A small group of pirates was with them, to do the actual fighting, and two of the Senate who knew the castle to act as guides.  

   Far away on the other side of the castle they heard shouts and the noise of shots.  Will, with most of the pirates, was attacking one of the gates to draw the attention of the guards to that part of the castle and allow the others to enter where they weren't expected.

   "The gate's opening," Patrick whispered.  "Look!"  The side gate by which Adam had entered was opening slowly.  

   Ruth felt her wrist communicator vibrate, and switched the speakerphone on.  "Time to go," Zoe said.  "Good luck everyone!"

   Other shadows began to detach themselves from the darkness around the castle walls and converge on the gate.  It had been opened by the astroninjas who had been forming part of Friderts' bodyguard and so were already within the castle.  Now the other astroninjas, led by Zoe and the chief ninja, began to make their way in through the gate.

   "Come on," Ruth said to her group, and they began to move forward and join the steady stream heading into the castle.

  

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 10, part 3

   "The Senate are all Bognorian hereditary nobles," Zoe said as they waited for the ninjas and pirates to force a way into the building.  "Like your House of Lords, except that they are the dominant force in Bognorian politics.  We don't have a House of Commons."

   "Don't you have elections?" Ruth asked.

   "No.  To tell the truth, we were rather puzzled by your 'politicians,'" Zoe said.  "I never quite understood how they were qualified to run the country."

   "It puzzles us, sometimes," Patrick replied.  "But they were elected.  The majority of the people thought they would be good at it."

   "Majority?  But so few people actually vote."

   "It doesn't quite work, I'll admit," Ruth said.  "But there are worse ways of doing things."

   "How are your nobles qualified to rule?" Adam asked.

   "They have been prepared for the role by their upbringing, as we have," Zoe said.  

   "But what if there are talented commoners?" Ruth asked.  "Can't you make use of their talents?"

   "Or what if some of the nobles are not clever enough, or put themselves before the good of the country?  At least we can get rid of politicians who mess things up." 

   "Perhaps a mix would be better," Zoe said thoughtfully.  "Too often the only way our people have of solving the problem of bad ministers is to rebel violently.  It would be interesting to try your democracy, especially as it has made Britain so great.  You even go to other countries to make them democratic!"

   The others looked at each other sheepishly.  "When you put it like that it doesn't really make much sense," Adam said.  "I mean, the point of democracy is that you can't impose it, isn't it?  If people don't want to be democratic you can't make them, but if they're not involved the other country isn't democratic."  

   "Once we've won we will have to discuss these matters," Zoe said.  "That was why we brought you.  But we're not there yet."

   The pirates and ninjas had cleared one of the doorways and were pushing forward into the building.  Queen Argent beckoned them forward and they set off down a corridor.  After a few minutes they arrived at a large door.  Various guards had been pushed back against the walls and the chief ninja, seeing them coming, began to order his troops to break down the door.  It looked very solid- it was made of a dark reddish-brown wood- but it wasn't long before it gave way and the ninjas broke into the room beyond.  

   Long dark cushioned benches ran down the sides of the room to where a large chair stood with a table in front of it and a canopy overhead.  Around this chair was clustered the Bognorian Senate, men (mostly) and a few women looking apprehensive and trying to stay as far away as possible from the ninjas and pirates as they strode into the room.

   Will pushed his way through the door and thanked Queen Argent and the chief ninja.  "But now please ask your people to leave the House," he said.  "I wish to speak to the Senate without the pressure of armed men- and women- in the background."  They did as he asked.  Zoe went through into the chamber to join Will, and he beckoned the Earth-dwellers to come too.  

   "My friends," he began, looking around, "You know me, the son of King Ragsd, a member of this House.  My sister and I have returned from our expedition to the planet known as Earth and have come to you to find out what has been happening in our absence."

   "We were told that you had abandoned Bognor and did not intend to return," one of the Bognorian nobles said.

   "Who told you that?  My uncle Friderts?  It was a lie, an attempt to mislead you.  You know why my sister and I left Bognor- you yourselves sanctioned the mission!  Our father was well then, no suggestion of ill health.  We stuck to the terms of our mission, and left there some time ago to return to Bognor along with our friends here.  It is for their sake I am speaking English- after what they have suffered on our behalf it is far less than they deserve."  He stopped, and Zoe took up the story, describing their calamitous voyage.

   "Our journey, which should have taken no more than a few Earth days has been prolonged by one disaster after another," she said.  "Eventually, when we thought we would soon be home we were attacked again and taken captive by mercenaries in the pay of our uncle Friderts, under orders to keep us out of the way while he took over here.  We were held prisoner, two of our friends were almost killed, we escaped only to be captured again.  Thanks to both luck and skill we have returned at last and now wish to ask Friderts what he means by this.  Our friends from Earth agreed to come with us, risking their lives when they didn't need to.  They are with us.  Are you?"

   Will spoke again.  "I am my father's heir.  I know I have a responsibility to you and the people of Bognor, and I do not renounce that responsibility.  Are you with me, or against me?"  

   He looked sternly at the Senate members as they stood clustered round the speaker's chair.  Zoe stood beside him, looking fierce and dignified.  The Earth-dwellers stood awkwardly behind Will, unsure what good they were doing by being there.

   There was whispered consultation among the Senate.  There seemed to be some argument going on and a few of the nobles, Ruth saw, quietly slipped out of a door at the back.  Were they going to warn Friderts, she wondered?  Eventually one who seemed to be a leader turned to Will and Zoe and knelt.

   "The Senate is with you," he said.

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 10, part 2.

The Hilarity descended, slowly and cautiously, towards an open stretch of ground not far from the capital city of Bognor.  The travellers all peered out curiously, intrigued to finally see this planet that had been their destination for so long.  Strangely, it seemed rather familiar. 

   As they had come in sight of Bognor Will and Zoe had become highly excited.  The others had been surprised to see the small blue-green planet as they drew closer.  What had confused them, though, was realising that the blue was the land and the green was the sea.  It reminded them that despite the similarities this was not Earth.  This was a homecoming for Will and Zoe, but not for anyone else.

   Around them the spacseships of the pirates and astroninjas were touching down, and their troops were pouring out of the ships to scout out the area and protect the king as he landed.  Will had refused to let anyone else fly the Hilarity, and was doing it himself with only the help of Zoe and the Gilbot.

   They landed, and the doors opened.  The travellers headed towards them.  Will looked at Zoe, and together they strode out onto the planet's surface.

   "Home at last," he said to his sister.

   Suddenly there was a shout from one of the astroninja scouts.  "Enemy forces approaching."

   "To arms!," the chief ninja shouted.

   "Don't shoot till we find out what they've come for," Zoe ordered.  "We need to know what's going on."

   "I don't think that takes much working out," Will said, as the advancing troops began to fire on them.  The travellers quickly retreated to the safety of the Hilarity.  But the troops of the insurgent ruler of Bognor which had been sent to prevent the landing were no match for the disciplined skill of the astroninjas or the fiery attack of the pirates.  Soon they were driven off back to Bognor Regis in shame and fear.

   "Now uncle Friderts will be quaking on his new throne," Zoe said exultantly.

   "We've a long way to go yet," Will said.  "Time to start our plan.

   The day before, on the astroninja space station they had come up with their plan.  As there were already some astroninjas on Bognor, acting as Friderts' bodyguard, the arrival of a small group of reinforcements would be pass without comment.  Accordingly a small party of expert ninjas had been dispatched to the planet ahead of the main force, to inform those already there of their change of sides and the new plan.  These ninjas were the key to their new plan- the allies within who would, metaphorically, open the gates to King Will's forces.

   They also told those ninjas who were already there of the joys of love.  All ninjas were commanded to be obedient to the chief astroninja, and were not unused to changing sides in the midst of a struggle if the appropriate amount of money changed hands.  There was no need to fear that they would refuse their new allegiance.  But so the royal forces could tell who was on their side Queen Argent had proposed a secret sign.

   "Like a special handshake?" Emma had said.

   "Yes, but something you'd be less likely to guess," Zoe replied.  She had come up with many of the ideas for their plan.

   "Eating a sausage roll?" suggested Tom.

   "But what about vegetarians?" Ruth said.

   "How about a banana?" Patrick suggested.  "Do you have those here?"

   "Of course," Zoe said.  "Right, so if you're not sure if someone is on our side you eat a banana and they'll eat one too."

   "What if you don't happen to have a banana with you?" Ruth asked.  "We don't all carry fruit around with us."  Patrick produced one from his pocket.

   "We'll make sure everyone is provided with a stock of bananas," Zoe said.  "Now, the rest of the plan..."

   Once they had made sure that the area around their ships was safe the royal forces posted guards and began to move towards the city on foot.  Crossing a narrow belt of woodland- beautiful tall trees with dark red trunks and delicate leaves in shades of purple and blue- Ruth and the other Earth dwellers saw Bognor Regis for the first time.  It was a large, sprawling city of buildings of many shapes and sizes and shades of colour.  Flowing down towards the city was a river of deep green water, and far off in the distance Ruth thought she could just make out a coastline.

   The travellers, surrounded by the astroninjas and pirates, marched across the blue grass until they reached a road leading down to the city.  Some of their scouts who had been sent ahead reported that the road was clear and there were no more troops belonging to the usurper Friderts in sight.  As they marched down the road it seemed deserted, the local people hurrying inside and locking their doors as the heavily armed royal group came in sight.

   Ruth and the others strained to catch glimpses of these people.  They looked human, like Will and Zoe.  Some of the buildings did look 'alien,' but there were others that wouldn't have looked out of place in a London street.  They all looked very solid and tidy, and the street was clean and litter-free.  Ruth was beginning to find this place unnerving- the way that things were so like Earth, but just a bit different.

   "What's Friderts playing at?" Zoe muttered.

   Will shrugged.  "Who knows?  Something cunning and unexpected.  He expects we'll head for the palace first, so no doubt he'll have something planned for us there."

   "Just as well we have other plans," Zoe replied.  The long procession of pirates, ninjas, visitors and returning royals headed onwards into the heart of the city, guided by Zoe, until they stood in a wide, deserted  square before a large building.  Around them were gleaming buildings of white stone, but this one was dark, and looked very Gothic and very familiar.  At one end was a tall clock tower.

   "The Bognorian Senate," Will said proudly.

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 10, part 1

Philosophers may sing of the troubles of a king.

   The Hilarity sped on through space.  But now she was no longer speeding away from the space station full of sleeping astroninjas, but hurrying back towards it.  For the travellers had come up with a plan.

   "It's utterly crazy," Ernest said, "but it just might work."

   They had also discovered where they were, and the news had encouraged them.  The planet which the space station was orbiting was a gas giant in the same system as Bognor.  Finally the place which had been their destination for so long seemed within reach.  

   Almost.  From what the Bognorian nobleman with them said it would not be safe for them to land anywhere near the capital of Bognor Regis.  The planet was almost entirely under the control of the insurgent government, and if the new king and princess attempted to land without military protection, Platorza Portoran was not sure that they would not be shot down, or imprisoned and quietly murdered.  

   So they were heading back to the astroninja space station.  "We need an army," Zoe had said, "and the best fighters in the galaxy are so close."

   "But how are you going to persuade the astroninjas to change sides?" Emma had asked.

   "Or the pirates to stop wanting to kill us?" Ernest added.

   "When they awake from the drink I gave them, they'll be highly suggestible," Zoe had said.  "And of course their leaders are still under Will's hypnosis.  I think we can persuade them."

   "I hope you're right," Ernest replied.

   Before long the Hilarity was slipping back into the docking bay as if she had never left.  

   "They'll all still be asleep, won't they?" Ruth asked somewhat nervously.

   "The potion makes them sleep for twelve hours, and it's less than six since we left," Zoe said.  She hesitated.  "But there's something else I ought to warn you about the oxy-hydra philtre."

   "What filter?" Emma said.  "Don't say there's something wrong with the air filter?"

   "I didn't say filter, I said philtre." 

   "You don't mean a love potion!"  Emma exclaimed.

   "Of course," Zoe replied.  "It's a side effect of the sleeping draught.  The person who's been drugged falls in love with the first person of the opposite sex they see when they awake."

   "Love between pirates who are raging feminists and ninjas who are sworn to celibacy as part of their training...this could be interesting..." 

   "They'll fall in love with anyone of the opposite sex?" asked Tom.

   "Yes.  So when they start to wake up, we'd better get out of the way," Will said.  "Unless you want a pirate following you around."

   And so, some hours later, they watched on a hidden camera as Queen Argent woke up.  While they slept, the travellers had moved her and the chief ninja into a room by themselves, and locked the door.  So the first thing she saw was the sleeping body of the chief astroninja lying beside her.  She blinked a few times, stared at him and gave a gasp.  

   The ninja's eyes opened, and he sat up, staring into the eyes of the pirate queen.  The travellers, watching, could not help laughing out loud as they saw these people, who had terrorised them and held them prisoner, sinking into gooey love talk and gazing at one another in ecstasy.  They missed most of what was said but they could see plainly enough that the philtre had worked.  

   Then Will, with Ernest and Ruth and Tom, went into the room where the new lovers were.  Immediately they looked up at them.  

   "What have you done to us?" Queen Argent asked, trying to sound angry but failing.

   "Shown you what love is," Ruth said.  "Isn't it good?"

   "Tis none o' your business," the pirate queen, but it sounded half-hearted as she looked up at the chief ninja.  He put an arm around her.  

   "A love philtre, I presume," he said.  "But why?  Don't tell me it was from purely philanthropic motives."

   "Not at all," said Will.  "In fact, we merely wanted to put you to sleep to allow us to escape.  But then we realised the potential.  And I shouldn't bother," he added, turning back to Argent who had been reaching for the holster where her gun should be.  "We searched and disarmed you both.  And all your troops are locked up too, and those that aren't still asleep are falling deeply in love with one another.  Pirates and ninjas."

   "So you think that you have turned the tables, and we are now your prisoners?" the chief astroninja said.  "And what do you intend to do now?"

   "Persuade you that you are both going to join me in opposing our uncle's coup," said Will.

   "In return for our freedom?" laughed the chief.  "I think not.  Why, I could overpower you now, and your group of puny humans wouldn't stop me for a minute."

   "You ninjas are mercenaries, and the pirates' deepest desire is for wealth," said Will.  "Or at least, so they say.  Money is all you wanted.  But now you have been given something else, something money cannot buy.  You have all the money you need.  Perhaps now is a time to change?"

   The chief ninja and Queen Argent tried to laugh contemptuously, but they sounded troubled and uncertain.

   "Why should we stop now?" the queen said.  "Together we could do so much more!"

   Will shrugged, and snapped his fingers.  At once the lovers fell silent.  Will spoke to them, telling them that now they would support his cause, and that the pirates and ninjas would fight for him.  Snapping his fingers, he spoke to them again as if nothing had happened.

   "Well, I'm so glad you agree.  My sister and I really do appreciate it."

   "Well, I suppose it is time we did something right, to make up for all our past crimes," the chief astroninja said, taking Argent's hand.  

   "And to thank you for this love you have given us," the pirate queen said, looking dreamily into the chief's eyes.

   "Excellent," Will said.  "Then let us go to Bognor!"

   The others, watching on the camera in another room, could hardly believe it.  

   "He's done it!" Zoe said, excited.

   "You know, I'm not so sure about the saying that money can't buy you love," Agnes said.  The others looked at her in surprise.  "Well, you could buy that philtre, couldn't you?"  

The story continues...