Hilarity Ensues Episode 7, part 6.

Patrick came over to Ruth as she gasped and sobbed. He put an arm around her, carefully.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I'm such an idiot..." He shook his head.

"That's not true," he said. "It's ok." She cried in his arms. The pain was dying down a little, but it was still bad. She wondered how long this would go on for, how long she would be able to stand it.



"And the others don't even know," Patrick said softly. "They thought maybe we'd be punished a bit- but not like this."

"Maybe it's better that way," Ruth said gently. "We knew the risk when we chose to stay, when we chose to let them go. If they knew, they might try to rescue us, and end up sharing our fate."

"If Will and Zoe hadn't kidnapped us," he began.

"I don't blame them," Ruth said quickly. "They never meant this to happen. Yes, what they did was wrong, but a thousand things have happened since then that have brought us here, and if any one of them had been different this might not have happened. Don't feel bitter towards them."

"You're saying it's all down to events? That we're just the victims of circumstances?"

"Not just," Ruth replied.

"But don't you want someone to blame?" Patrick said. "Someone to be mad at for what's happening?"

"Not if it's not their fault," Ruth said quietly. "Besides, although we may not have chosen to put ourselves in danger, we chose to stay here, to put our lives at risk, to help the others. Events don't dictate our lives. There is always a choice, and the choice we make shows who we are."

"If you put it like that," Patrick said, looking up at her with an attempt at a smile, "we're heroes."

"I'd never call myself that," she replied, a hint of bitterness in her voice.

"But you are," he said. "Really."

"Look who's talking, Sydney Carton," she said.

"Then who are you?" he said.

"Just some kind of fool," she replied, with a sad, almost wistful smile. "A fool who cares too much." He pressed her hand in silence.

"Do you know why I stayed?" she said. "I mean, really? Because I was ashamed. As soon as I'm in danger I want to get out, at any cost. I'd sacrifice other people to be safe if I could. But then I feel ashamed of what I've thought. So I make myself do things I don't want to, that I'm afraid of, because I'm ashamed of what a coward I am underneath, and scared of what people would think if they found out. I'm no hero." He said nothing, but kept his arm round her and hugged her tighter.

There was nothing to do but wait. The pain died down but didn't go away, remaining an unpleasant undercurrent. They sat there for hours, hardly moving, hardly speaking. There was nothing to do, nothing to say.

At last they heard a noise in the corridor. Ruth looked up, heart beating fast, knowing what it meant. The door began to open. She was shaking with fear. She couldn't bear that pain again- and this time probably it would be worse. Patrick gripped her hand. She could see that he was afraid too.

"Ready for the nexxt dossse of medicssine?" the creature grinned. It advanced on them. Ruth shrank back, ashamed of her cowardice but too afraid to do anything else. It reared up and hovered over her until she could think of nothing else. She shut her eyes, but it was still there. She waited, tense.

"But ssssomeone hassn't had their firssst dossse yet, have they?" the creature said, and turned away from her. She opened her eyes to see it preparing to bite a terrified Patrick.

"No!" she shouted, reaching forward, but it was too late.

He cried out, as she had done, and backed away, utter terror in his eyes. She felt a renewed wince of pain as she remembered what it had felt like. The creature laughed and slid out of the room.

Ruth looked at her friend, whimpering in pain as she had been. She longed to be able to help him, to take the pain on herself, but there was no way of doing that. She sat down by him where he was curled up on the floor and hesitantly put an arm around him, as he had done for her. He looked up at her.

"I'm sorry," he began. She smiled brokenly, and shook her head. She put her arms around him and they hugged. Ruth felt a tear on his cheek as it rested against her own, but didn't say anything. She was crying herself.


More waiting, more hours of endurance. The pain seemed to die away, and then suddenly it would return, before slowly dying away again only to return. Ruth wondered how long the snakes would torment them for. Days? Weeks? It made her shudder to think of that. Presumably, since she had been bitten first she would die first. Then Patrick would be alone- would die all alone in this horrible place. She shuddered at the thought. Somehow, now that the others had gone, it emphasised the loneliness. Being the only Earth-dwellers for light years around wasn't so bad when there were twenty or more of you. But when there were only two...it was a frightening thought. Two minus one left only one.

Again the noise in the corridor, again the quickening heartbeat and flash of fear. Some hero I am, she thought bitterly. The two of them exchanged glances. Which of them would it be this time?

It entered the room. "I hope you are well?" it asked sardonically. "Now, which of you ssshall I choossse thisss time?" He hovered over Patrick, who shrunk back. Then he turned away from him, and moved towards Ruth. He laughed.

This time the pain took her breath away. She collapsed again, gasping, unable even to scream. She heard the creature laughing again, and she had never hated a sound so much.

"You cruel ...beast!" she heard Patrick yell.

The laughter stopped abruptly. "Perhapsss both of you thisss time, then?" she heard the snake say. Dimly she saw the creature strike out at Patrick too. She heard him cry out, heard their tormentor laugh again as the door closed behind it. Ruth and Patrick were alone again, alone with their fears and their pain.

He lay in the angle between the wall and the floor. She curled up next to him, her back to the wall.

"Are you ok?" she asked, looking at him. It sounded like the most stupid question ever. He looked up. "It hurts," he said hesitantly, "And I'm scared."

She reached out and took his hand again. "So am I," she replied. There was nothing they could do, and they both knew it.

So this was it. All her life before leaving Earth she had lived a normal life, boring at times, where the most exciting things were performing G&S shows. The sort of life anyone might lead. Occasionally she had wished idly for some adventure, but in her heart she had known that she was a coward and would go to pieces in a dangerous situation. And then everything had changed, her ordinary life had become extraordinary. Since leaving earth she had seen things that probably no Earth-dweller had seen before, her life had been in danger more than once, and she had discovered courage she hadn't known she possessed. The same was true of her friends- people she had thought she knew well, yet now suddenly hidden depths were revealed. And now she and Patrick would die here, alone on a strange planet, so far from home. What would their families think of them, if they ever heard what had happened? They had had several narrow escapes lately. But this time there would be no happy ending.


The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 7, part 5.

It was later that day, as the weak light was fading once again, that Ruth felt the communicator on her wrist buzz. She had almost forgotten about it, she was so used to wearing it by now. She looked quickly towards the door, hurriedly pressed the button which switched the sound on, and spoke quietly with it close to her mouth: "Hello?"

"Ruth? Are you ok? And Patrick?" It was Will's voice, speaking quietly but sounding loud to her frightened ears.

"Yes, we're ok," she whispered back, her eyes meeting Patrick's as he came over to her. "Are you alright?"

"Yes. But listen. They'd disabled the ship when they let us come back here, but we've managed to fix it. We've got a plan, we think we can get out of here." Ruth's heart leapt for a moment. "But we can't work out a way of rescuing you." It sank again, and kept on sinking.
"We'll fly to the nearest friendly planet, and we'll be back with help as soon as we can. But we thought we should check with you two," Will said. "There's a danger that they might punish you if we leave. What do you think?"

She looked up at Patrick. "Can you give us a minute to think about it?" she asked.

"All right. But be quick."

Ruth switched the communicator to mute so they could talk without being heard. "What do you think?" she asked.

"They're right, aren't they," Patrick said quietly. "We will be punished if they escape."

"Yes, I think so," Ruth said in the same calm tone. "Maybe even killed, given what the snakes' leader said earlier. But the others are right that it's better for them to get away if they can. If not, we'll all just have to sit here and wait, and the snakes are loosing patience already. Soon they might imprison the others again, or if they decide there's no money coming- they might just kill us all."

"Whereas if the others escape, only the two of us can be hurt," he replied slowly.

Ruth looked at the floor. "If it means my friends can escape, if it can help them- I guess I'm willing to suffer," she said. "If I wasn't, I wouldn't be here."

"Even...to die?" Patrick asked hesitantly.

"Yes, if that's what has to happen," she said quietly. She didn't want him to know how scared she was, in case it made him afraid too, made him decide against letting the others go.

Patrick spoke slowly, as if he was admitting something against his will. "I know we should tell them to go," he said. "It's not that I don't want to. It's just that..." He stopped.

"I know," she said gently. "Do you think I'm not scared too?"

"You're thinking of the others, not yourself," he replied. "I wish I was as brave as you."

"You're braver," she said. He shook his head and looked away. There was a moment's silence.

Ruth reached out and took his hand. Her communicator vibrated. "We need to decide," she said awkwardly. He looked up.

"Tell them to go," he said quietly.

Ruth's communicator vibrated again, and she switched the sound back on.

"Have you decided?" Zoe asked. Ruth looked at Patrick. He nodded.

"You go," Ruth said. "And good luck."

"You're sure?"

"We're sure," Patrick said.

"Thanks, guys. Hope you're ok- we'll be back as soon as we can with help. Goodbye!"

"Goodbye! Thank you!" They could hear the voices of others in the background.

"Goodbye," Ruth and Patrick said. The communicator went quiet. Soon, if their plan worked, they would be out of range of the transmitter, and they would hear nothing more until the others returned with help. They looked at one another. "Well done, Sydney Carton," Ruth said, trying to smile. He shook his head, smiling back, but neither smile was genuine. Ruth tried to fight back tears but it was no good. Patrick took her hand. "It'll be ok," he said. "Maybe they'll come back before anything happens to us."

"I wish I had your optimism," Ruth replied.

It didn't seem long before they heard slithering in the corridor outside. The door opened and two guards came in, followed by the leader.

The snake leader reared up and looked down at them. "Your friendsss have essscaped," he said. "They have abandoned you, left you at our mercssy. And we're not feeling very merciful at the moment. With them gone, any hope of getting our money isss gone too. Now you give me one reason why I ssshouldn't have you killed inssstantly."

Neither of them spoke. Well, that was it then. Ruth gave up any hope she had been clinging on to that they would get out of this somehow. Villains in real life were much better at it than they were in stories. There would be no easily-distracted guards, no crawling undetected through ventilation tunnels, no improbably successful escape attempts.

"Do you have sssnakes on your planet?" the leader asked mockingly.

"Yes," Ruth said.

"Asss large asss I am?"

"No."

"Do they bite? Isss it painful? Can they kill?"

"Yes."

"Well then," the leader said, "You get the idea. If sssomething ssso much sssmaller can kill and cause pain, how much more damage can I do?" He moved forward quickly, his huge fangs reaching towards her.

Ruth had never considered herself brave. And snakes were probably the thing she feared the most- her room 101 nightmare. She shrank back, shivering, but the giant snake kept moving forwards, the mouth now almost touching her. She closed her eyes and tried to brace herself for the bite of the sharp fangs.

For days before the creature struck she had been tense, afraid. Now this was too much- far beyond any pain she had felt before. Suddenly she screamed, a long, high pitched, loud scream.

She collapsed to a crumpled heap on the floor as the creature drew out its fangs and moved back. She writhed in pain, unable to keep still, yet the movement brought no relief. There were tears in her eyes. Through them she could see Patrick looking at her, worried and afraid.

The creature laughed, and turned to leave. "Three bitesss it'll take to kill you, I ssshould sssay," it said. "I'll ssspread the poison out. It'sss more fun that way. For me, that isss, not for you." The door clanged shut as he slithered off.


The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 7, part 4.

The door clanged shut behind them, and the two of them were alone. They looked at each other. "Well," Ruth began, but couldn't go on. She tried to smile at Patrick, and not to release the tears, but they trickled through. They sat down together. Somehow, although they were both afraid, they could draw strength from one another.

"I hope the others are ok," she said after a couple of minutes of silence.

"They've got no reason to hurt them," he replied. He looked at her and smiled, that slightly nervous smile she knew so well. It was a comfort, even here. For some reason, although now there were only two of them in the cell, she wasn't lonely any more.

"When I volunteered to stay, I thought I'd be alone," she said. "But I'm so glad I'm not. I mean, I was prepared for it, and I wish you could have gone too, but...I'm glad you're here." His hand found hers. "You were brave to volunteer."

"I wasn't," he said. "I knew I wouldn't be alone. It took more courage for you to volunteer than me."

She looked at the floor. "I was scared," she said. "But I volunteered because I knew I was the right person to stay. I'm not...well, tied, by things like other people; I haven't got a partner to miss me, or a career or degree course...somehow it seems like I've got less to leave behind. I know it sounds daft, but you know what I mean? No one would miss me if I didn't come back."

He looked at her for a moment and then gave her a hug. "That's not true," he said. "You would be missed."

She shook her head. "Not as much as other people- not like Ernest without Emma, say. Better me than one of them."

"Anyway, why are we talking as if we were never going to see them again? What are we afraid of?" He had said we. So it wasn't just her then.

"I don't know," she replied, "But I am. It's something about the snakes. When I said I'd stay- somehow it felt like I was giving up more than it sounded, as though there was more at stake than just a few days' comfort. I mean...they're keeping Will and Zoe as hostages, in case something goes wrong in some plan to take over Bognor, and to keep them out of the way. But once that's over, if the plan succeeds, they won't be wanted. What'll happen to them? Probably they'll be killed. But we're not important at all. Why should they bother to keep us alive?"

"Well, they have so far," Patrick said.

"But for how long, if things go wrong?"

"Even so, we're in no more danger than the others."

"Maybe they'll be able to escape," she said.

"But they said they wouldn't."

"They said they had no plans to. Ernest's clever with words."

"They wouldn't leave us behind. Ruth, they wouldn't!"

Ruth shrugged. She wasn't so sure, but she didn't argue. They were quiet for a few minutes, in the twilit silence of the cold cell. On the surface of the planet outside it began to rain, and water splashed in through the skylight to collect in a puddle in the middle of the floor. It was a dark day and to Ruth there seemed little to inspire hope.

"What you said just now about being alone, about not being missed...you remembered once we joked about me being Sydney Carton- you know, from A Tale of Two Cities?" Patrick said hesitantly. "Well...when they said that a second person had to stay...I knew that what you said about yourself is mostly true of me, too. I had to volunteer."

"There's no 'had to' about it," she said. "You chose, because you cared about the others, not because you didn't care about yourself. I reckon that makes you braver than me." He shook his head. She smiled, and they hugged once more.

"We'll be ok," he said, trying to cheer up. "We'll get out of this somehow." Ruth looked at him, unconvinced. She wasn't even sure if he believed it himself. Yet he was always optimistic, always looking on the bright side of life- always trying to avoid consequences, even when they were inevitable. It had annoyed her sometimes- she had thought of it as hiding his head in the sand like an ostrich. But at other times she had envied his more relaxed attitude. And now...she couldn't bring herself to destroy his hope. She had little.

It soon seemed as though their fears were going to be realised. Over the following days the guards who brought them food became more and more grim. Hissed conversations in Pserpentese took place outside their door without the prisoners understanding a word. That something was wrong they could tell, but what it was they did not know.

Then, on the third day after the others had been allowed back to the spaceship, Ruth and Patrick heard the door opening. The snake leader, who seemed the only one with much English, looked down at them.

"When you were captured, wasss anything sssaid to you about who wasss paying for you?" he demanded. They shook their heads. "No," Ruth said, "They didn't tell us anything."

The snake hissed. "I begin to wonder if we will ever ressceive the money they promisssed usss," he said. "And if they don't keep their ssside of the bargain, I don't sssee why we
ssshould keep oursss. It cossstsss money to guard and feed you." He spat at the floor, turned and left.

They looked at each other. "Do you think that means they'll let us go?" Patrick said. Ruth shook her head. "I don't know. Maybe." But she didn't think it likely.


The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 7, part 3.

The room where they were imprisoned was not very comfortable. Although there was sand on the floor, it wasn't very deep and below was solid rock. There were a few rugs around the room, but they were of some rough material that was almost scaly, and unpleasant to touch. It was chilly too. Ruth was not the only one to feel ill.


When their jailers brought them food, just as the the light was fading completly, they tried to explain their needs, and ask for someone to bring their bedding from the Hilarity. They weren't sure whether the snakes had understood them, but eventually the door opened again and the sleeping bag cum hammocks they had used on board the ship were tumbled into the room. They bore traces here and there of a mysterious slime, but they were glad to get them none the less.

It was still an uncomfortable room to be imprisoned in, cramped and overcrowded. People got on each others' nerves very easily, and Will and Zoe unsurprisingly came in for a lot of the flack. Ruth was one of the few who felt sorry for them. It was obvious, from what the snakes' leader had said, that the astroninjas had captured them to keep them out of the way and keep the political system on Bognor in chaos, for the benefit of whoever was employing the astroninjas. And the snakes were to be paid to keep the prisoners safe while the astroninjas went about other duties- perhaps helping their mysterious employer seize power on Bognor.

By the third night in the dark cell it seemed that some people were coping better than others. Ruth, afraid, uncomfortable and still feeling lonely even in the crowded cell, sat by the wall and tried to hide her tears from the others. While it was light she had tried to speak to those who were alone too, who seemed to be finding the situation hardest to cope with, to comfort them, as far as it was possible, and just to be with them, to show them she cared that they were upset. But now she felt that she couldn't cope any more. She had tried to help others, but no one wanted to help her. No one cared about her, they were all too wrapped up in their own troubles.

That night was the worst yet. Even in their insulated bags, everyone was cold. People huddled together. Ruth shivered at the edge of the cell, afraid to take the liberty of moving close to someone, and too ashamed to ask. As soon as the light began to filter in, the prisoners consulted each other and when the guards brought their breakfast they made their complaint, and their request; to be taken back to the Hilarity and kept prisoner there.

The guards went away without giving an answer, but after a while there was the sound of slithering in the tunnel outside.

They huddled in pairs and groups in the small room as the door opened and their jailers slithered in. Looking round, she saw again how almost everyone had someone they were with to give them strength, a close friend, a partner, someone. Except her. She was alone in the crowd. Not that they weren't her friends, but not...not like that. She tried to put others first, but she wasn't first with anyone.

"Ssso, you want to go back to your ssship," the leader said. "But how do we know we can trussst you, that thisss isssn't sssome plan to essscape?" He looked round, smiling cruelly.

"We assure you, it isn't," Ernest said, taking the lead as usual. "We have no plans to escape. But without wishing to insult your hospitality, this room is unsuitable for humans- cramped, cold and uncomfortable. You can guard us just as well if we are held prisoner on board our ship." He looked the snake in the eye, as well as he could.

"Yesss," the snake hissed. "You ssshall go back to your ssship. But one of you must ssstay here, to guarantee that the othersss will not try to essscape."

The prisoners looked around at each other, while refusing to meet anyone's eyes. "We can't let that happen," someone mumbled, half hoping they wouldn't be heard. "How can we decide something like that?" someone else said.

Ruth looked down at the floor, trying to find the courage to say what she knew she should. One of the guards had attracted the attention of the leader, and now three of them were engaged in a close debate. The G&Sers were still looking round at each other, not knowing what to do. Even Ernest was subdued. Will and Zoe were both keeping quiet and looking uneasy.

"I'll stay," she said, finding the words and the courage from somewhere. People looked at her, the tension in the room snapping as they found their voices. But still some were reluctant to look her in the eye, ashamed that she was willing to do what were not.

"Are you sure?" Tom asked. Ruth nodded.

"Someone's got to. And better me than anyone else," she said. "I always end up volunteering for things." She tried to smile but had to struggle not to cry.

Agnes hugged her. A few tears escaped Ruth, but she wiped them away quickly. "We can't just leave you," Adam said awkwardly, but their captors had finished their discussion and turned back to them. Ruth stepped forward.

"Two of you mussst ssstay- jussst to make sssure," the leader said. The tension rose again as everyone looked round and once more tried to avoid everyone else's glance. There was silence.

Ruth looked at everyone in their clumps. Despite her fear, there was a peace in her from knowing she had done the right thing. But for someone else to have to sacrifice themself too- that wasn't fair.

"Please," she said to their captors, "just keep me. You don't need more than one."

"Sssilence," the one who had objected before replied, and hit her round the face with the tip of his tail. She staggered. Adam was behind her, and put out a hand to steady her. "Are you ok?" he asked awkwardly. "I'm fine," she said. "Don't worry." People looked shocked, but still no one said anything.

"Come on!" their jailer said. "Are you all cowardsss? Choossse sssomeone now or you'll all ssstay here. We haven't got all day." Surreptitiously people tried to shrink away from the guards.

"We could draw lots," Ernest suggested. "Anyone got some paper?"

"Hurry up!" the creature yelled, moving menacingly towards the group containing Ernest and Emma. Ernest pulled Emma closer to him, as if to hide or shelter her. The very movement made Ruth feel so lonely.

Suddenly Ruth realised that someone was moving towards her and their captors. "I...I'll stay," said a voice behind her. It was Patrick. She was surprised. Last time she had seen him he had been at the back, as far away from the guards as possible, and had been keeping very quiet. Looking at him, she could see how scared he was. Yet- he had always been one of those people who cared for others.

"You're sure?" she asked him quietly, looking him in the eyes. He didn't say anything, but nodded.

"Right then, out with the rest of you. We haven't got time to waste. You two ssstay here." Their captors began to herd the others out of the room, grabbing their bedding on the way. "Good luck," Ernest said to them. "And thanks. You're both braver than I am."

Zoe didn't look at them, but kept her eyes on the ground. Will was the last to leave. "I'm sorry," he said to them. "I...I should have stayed..." Ruth shook her head. "We chose this. It's not your fault. Good luck."

"Good luck to you," he said.


The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 7, part 2.

They remained confined to the green room for the rest of the day, and most of the next. Since there was nothing else to do, most people tried to sleep. Ruth looked around the room and realised how many of her friends were in couples, sitting together with maybe an arm around each other, talking quietly together.


Those who weren't in couples sat talking in small groups. She hovered alone in a corner by one of the high windows, feeling lonely even amongst all the others.

Eventually they saw a small planet coming closer. "Where is it?" Will was asked. He shook his head. "Nowhere I recognise," he said.

They landed, and still without being told anything by their captors, they were herded off the ship and into a tunnel leading into a low hill. The tunnel was circular, like a hobbit-hole, and wound from side to side as it worked its way back into the hill. It was cold and damp, and there were faint, indistinguishable sounds. Even if she hadn't been a prisoner it would have been enough to set Ruth's spine tingling. Somehow she could feel that there was something even more frightening than anything they had met so far close by.

The long passage led eventually to a circular space with a domed roof. Their captors pushed them forwards into it. Ruth took one look round and shrank back in horror. That was the terror she had sensed. Snakes!

She had always been afraid of snakes. There was no real reason for it, she just was. Bees, wasps, ants, spiders she was fine with, and when her house had been invaded by slugs she had dealt with them without hesitation, but snakes had always filled her with fear.

And these were no ordinary snakes. They were two metres long at least, and fat- probably thirty centimetres in diameter. Their mouths were huge and terrible- big enough, Ruth thought in her terror, to swallow her or one of her companions. At the front of their mouth were two long, deadly fangs. Their eyes were reptilian, cold and calculating, but she could see that they were intelligent. Their tunnels had the look of a habitation, almost a subterranean town. But why had they been brought here? It didn't sound like the astroninja bases Will had described.

She wanted to turn and run, but one of the astroninjas prodded her onwards. She tried to keep in the middle of the crowd, as far away from the snakes as possible. But the snakes moved towards them, and one, bigger and fatter than the rest who seemed to be the leader, greeted the astroninjas in a hissing, spitting language. The ninjas replied in the same language. There was some discussion, during which the snakes wriggled around the captives, surrounding them. Ruth felt sick. The others all looked scared, and one or two were holding on to each other tightly, and keeping close together as far from the snakes as theastroninjas would let them. She wished she had someone to hold onto.

The leading snake turned his head to three of the other snakes, and hissed something. One set off down another tunnel like the one they had entered by, but leading in the opposite direction. The other two began to herd the prisoners towards that tunnel. The prisoners looked at the astroninjas, hoping perhaps for a last minute change of mind. They had not actually been mistreated while the astroninjas had held them prisoner, but there was something about the snakes that suggested it would be a turn for the worse if they were to be left in their custody.

They were herded along this second tunnel, a snake ahead and two behind. The ones behind pressed forward so fast that Ruth found herself forced to almost touch the one in front. Hardly conscious of anything other than her overwhelming desire to be sick she stumbled along, trying to avoid crashing into anyone but even more anxious to keep as far as possible from the snakes.

After what seemed an age the snake leading the way stopped, and using the tip of his tail he opened a low circular door in the side of the tunnel. He indicated that they should enter. Bending almost double the prisoners did as they were told, and found themselves stepping down into another dome like chamber, big enough for all of them to fit in but not with much comfort, and with a ceiling too low to allow even the shortest of them to stand upright.

The snake who had seemed to be the leader appeared in the doorway and looked at them. "Welcome to Pssserpentinia," he said, in English that was recognisable if not easy to understand. "Your captorsss are too busy to look after you jussst now, ssso they are leaving you in our care. If you behave, you have nothing to fear from usss. Misssbehave, and you will find that we do not tolerate disssobediencsse. Which of you are the princsse and princssessss of Bognor?" Will and Zoe exchanged a glance, then stepped forward.

The snake leader looked at them, as if memorising their features. Then he nodded. "You we mussst take particular care of. We wouldn't want all our friendsss trouble to have been in vain." He smiled. "Or to missss out on any money." He turned around and slithered off. The door shut behind him, and there was a clink as some kind of lock was fastened.

The room was damp, and dark except for the pale light that filtered in from a skylight at the top of the dome. The planet they were on appeared to have quite short days, for it had been not long after dawn when they landed yet they hadn't been in their sandy-floored prison for many hours before the light grew weaker and faded away to a dismal twilight.

Will and Zoe knew very little about their jailers. "The Pserpentese, giant carniverous snakes who live in underground cities," Zoe said. "And that's about all. We don't have any trade links with Pserpentia, and they keep themselves to themselves. And it's a long way from Bognor." She turned away. "We're farther from home than ever."

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 7, part 1.

To Sit in Solemn Silence.

This voyage was starting to feel cursed, Ruth thought, looking back. Five minutes earlier the Hilarity had been calmly continuing her journey back to her home planet of Bognor when a blip had appeared in the ship's scanner. Looking at it, Zoe had discovered that they were being followed. There was no way of knowing why, but it didn't seem likely to be good news, and so they had accelerated off as fast as they could.


They had no wish to meet more pirates, or anything that might stop them reaching Bognor as quickly as possible. A two week journey had already taken three, and there was still a long way to go.

But it was no good. Their pursuers had accelerated too, and were already catching them up. Will and Zoe were peering closely at the image of the ship which was coming through from the Hilarity's scanners. It looked fast, sleek, dark, and somehow threatening.

"Pirates again?" Ernest had asked. Will shrugged his shoulders, while Zoe shook her head.

"I don't think so," she said. "It's too expensive looking, a vessel built for speed and stealth, not for carrying a lot of provisions and staying out in space for a long time, which is what you expect from a pirate."

"Then what could it be?" Tom asked. Will shrugged again. "Who knows? But somehow I don't think it's anything good."

It wasn't. The ship sped up and continued to gain on them until it was so close that the prospect of a collision began to worry Will. With the Hilarity's defence systems still not fully operational it was unlikely she would survive a collision intact. The black ship drew level.

"Look," Tom said, pointing. A small hatch had opened on the side of the ship and a figure emerged. It was followed by another, then a third. Soon there were five humanoid figures floating in space between the two ships. They were wearing what appeared to be black spacesuits and helmets, but the oxygen tanks on their backs seemed to Ruth to be far smaller than you would think sensible for a spacewalk- or in this case a spaceswim, as the five of them made their way towards the Hilarity.

"Astroninjas!" yelled Zoe suddenly, darting over to the control panel and pressing keys. "Quick, get the shields up!"

"It's no good," Will said desperately. "I've tried. The shields still aren't working properly. We can't stop them."

"Then we must get ready to fight," Zoe said, grabbing a firearm. WIll shook his head. The others looked on, afraid and uncomprehending. Who were these opponents, who had now almost reached the ship?

Will tried to hold Zoe back. "Don't be stupid! You can't fight astroninjas!"

"Are you going to give in without a fight?" Zoe said. "I'm not!"

"Who are they?" Ernest said.

"Mercenaries," Will said, trying futilely to swerve the ship away. The black ship shadowed the Hilarity's every move, and the floating black-clad humanoids were not delayed for long. One reached out and took hold of the outer door of the airlock.

"Think of your martial arts experts," Zoe said, "but in zero gravity." She crouched down in front of the airlock's inner doors and raised her weapon.

All five astroninjas were in the airlock now. Ruth and the others looked at them fearfully. Clad in black spacesuits that looked more like divers' wetsuits, Ruth thought they must be tough and well adapted to cope with low temperatures and all the other discomforts of spacewalking in something that offered so little protection.

"Zoe, you can't-" Will began but it was too late. The airlock's inner doors opened. They strode forward, walking as if there was gravity even though there was none. "You will surrender," the first one barked in a loud voice.

"Never!" yelled Zoe, firing. But before she even pulled the trigger all five had lept into the air. The foremost one did a double somersault above her head, kicking the gun from her hands during the first somersault, and sending her sprawling with a kick to the head on the second.
"Zoe!" Will cried, hurrying forward. She didn't reply- she was unconscious.

"So- do you surrender?" the astroninja said. He had drifted to the ground behind Will, and drawn a curved sword that reflected the flickering coloured lights from the bridge. The other astroninjas had spread themselves out around the sides of the room. Will looked up at him, an arm around his sister's limp body.
"We surrender," he said.

"I tried to stop her," Will said later, sitting on air next to the hammock they had put his sister in. Once again they were prisoners, locked in the green room upstairs. Zoe had woken up briefly, been sick, complained of a headache and gone back to sleep.
"She'll be ok," Emma said. "But who are these astroninjas? You said they weren't pirates. So why attack us?"
"They're mercenaries," Will explained. "Astroninjas train to be the ultimate space warriors. They can live for hours on only a small tank of oxygen, they can withstand huge extremes of temperature in their spacesuits, and they're the best low-gravity fighters in the galaxy. Either armed or unarmed, and they're not bad where there is gravity either. If you're just a private ship like us you really don't try fighting them, because it's just pointless."
"But what do they want with us?" Tom asked.
"Like I said, they're mercenaries. Anyone who wants a dirty job doing and can afford their prices hires them to do it. That'll be why they didn't fire on us- their ships are some of the best armed in the galaxy, they could destroy the Hilarity in seconds." He looked at Zoe again. "It must be because of us," he said. "With our father ill, there could be political chaos at home. One of the factions that are looking to take control could have given orders for our kidnap, hoping to use us to bargain with. Or perhaps they just want us out of the way. Something like that. I'm sorry, we've dragged you into something that's not your fault again."
The others looked at one another.
"You couldn't help it," Ruth said. "You didn't ask to be kidnapped."
"Now I know how you guys felt," he said, staring hopelessly out of the window as the ship, now under the control of the astroninjas, sped off away from Bognor.

The story continues...