Hilarity Ensues Episode 10, part 7.

   The travellers looked at each other in confusion.  Will sat down on the steps to the platform.  "So I am really human- I am from Earth!" he said dazedly, looking at Zoe.  

   "You're still my brother to me," she said.  

   "But what am I going to do?" he began, but there was a shout behind them.

   They turned round.  Friderts had jumped down from the platform and knocked the embracing women to the ground.  "You double-crossing hag!" he shouted, trying to strangle the old nurse.  "You told me the child died of space-sickness!"

    Queen Argent was quick to restrain him, and the old woman looked up at him from the floor.  "I lied," she said, struggling to breathe.  "I passed off a doll as the baby, a doll I painted the green of space-sickness so that no one would come near for fear of infection.  And when I told you it had died you just flung it out into space and returned home as quickly as you could.  And there's an end of all your lies and plots and blackmails!"  She grabbed the quartermistress's weapon.  Queen Argent and the quaretermistress reached out to stop her, but it was too late.  She fired at Friderts, who slowly sank to the floor.  The chief ninja bent down to him.

   "Dead," he said.

   "He should have stood trial," said Zoe.  "Still, I hope a court will show more leniency towards the old nurse than he ever did to that poor child."      

   "So the prince- no, king- of Bognor should really be Jimdrick?" Agnes asked incredulously.  Zoe shook her head.  "Our monarchy is elective- the Senate chooses who of the close relatives of the former monarch will rule after them.  Will was chosen as his father's heir.  But now- it is for the Senate to decide."

   The members of the Senate had been huddled together further down the hall, whispering together.  One of them now came forward to speak for them.  "This prince who was stolen is indeed a legitimate heir to the late king, but as he has not been brought up here we do not think he will be the best person to rule as he will have no understanding of our governance or culture.  Although the man we call Prince Rawerkj is not of this planet, he has been brought up as the king's heir, and has proved his worth, and if he wishes he may still rule us."

   Will seemed to make a decision.  "No," he said.  "I'll stand down."  

   "Are you sure?" Zoe said, looking at him.  

   "I am," he said.  "You'll make a much better monarch than I would.  And I can be free to return to Earth, or at least to visit."

   The nobleman had turned back to the Senate, and once again he came forward with their decision.  He knelt before Zoe.  "Then will you, princess and undoubted heir in both blood and upbringing, become our queen?" 

   "I will," Zoe said.

   "All hail Queen Jegsdda!  Long live the Queen!"

   A month later, the coronation feast for Queen Jegsdda was held in that same hall.  In seats of honour at the top table sat the travellers.  They had been treated very well during the preceding weeks, and had spoken to many of the ministers of state and the country's leaders, all curious to know what life on Earth was like.  They had been amused and bemused at the respect Earth was regarded with.

   "How do people here know so much about Earth?" Ruth had asked Will one day.

   "And how come they speak English?" Agnes had asked.

   "We love the BBC," Will had replied.  "The whole galaxy does.  There are long distance repeater satellites stationed near Earth to pick up the signal and broadcast it back to us."  He had turned on a computer screen and shown them part of an episode of Dr Who which was being broadcast.  "It's so great," he said.  The travellers had looked at one another incredulously.

   A full overhaul of the Hilarity had been carried out, and she was ready to set off again.  The travellers, including Will, were to leave in her the next morning to return to Earth.  Ruth was glad to be returning, but she was also sad to be leaving Bognor.  After all they had been through to get here, she knew that her life back on Earth wouldn't be quite the same as it had been before.  After the adventures of the last few weeks the daily routine of get up, go to work, come home, eat, sleep, with occasional intervals of singing would seem boring- more than it had before.  What sort of world were they going back to?  One deep in recession, high unemployment, the university administration being a pain in the sub-committee and little to look forward to in the future but more of the same dreary grey days with just the occasional burst of sun.  When there was so much else out there!  

   She shook herself and turned back to the celebrations.  She felt guilty that part of her didn't really want to go home, and somehow disloyal to her home, but she knew that she had to return.  

   At the top of the hall, Zoe stood up and everyone fell silent.  

   "My friends, counsellors and subjects," she began, and Ruth was surprised to hear that she was still talking English.  Most of the ceremonies during the day had been in Bognorian.  "Thank you for your company today and for your congratulations.  But I would not be standing here today if it was not for the help of many people, most of all my friends who travelled with us from Earth.  Tomorrow they return to their homes, and I have here gifts for them as thanks and compensation for all the dangers they have undergone."  She beckoned to some servants, who came forward and placed a small case in front of each of the Earth-dwellers.  Inside each was a small but advanced looking computer.  

   "The galactic interconectwork is being expanded to cover Earth so you'll be able to contact us, using these," Zoe continued.  "And they are compatible with Earth technology and computers.  And you'll have the Hilarity.  You will all be welcome to return, if you choose."

   The travellers looked at each other.  Ernest stood up.  "Thank you," he said.  "And we will always welcome you to Earth."

    The feast ended soon after that.  The next morning Zoe came down to the spaceport to say her final goodbyes.  Parting from Will, who she had grown up with, was the hardest, but she was evidently sad to be parting from the Earth-dwellers too.  

   "I've got one more present for you," she said to Tom, handing him a parcel.  Opening it he found a new scarf, longer than ever, in the colours of the flag of Bognor."  

   "Thank you," he said, draping it around his neck several times.

   "That'll be useful if we need to tie anyone up on the way home," Adam said, smiling.

   Zoe held Ruth back for a moment as the others began to enter the ship.  "One thing I've got to ask," she said.  "Are you and Patrick a couple?"  Ruth smiled, an odd little smile with something of exasperation, something of humour and something else.  "No, we're just friends," she said.  "Although you're not the first to ask."   

   Saying a final goodbye she turned and entered the ship, and within a few minutes she was standing with Tom, Agnes and  Adam looking down as the familiar yet strange green-blue planet shrank below her.  Of course she was glad to be going home, but she knew that, despite all the dangers she had been through, she would miss life in space.

   Patrick came up beside them.  "OK?" he asked her.  She nodded.  For a moment they all stood there in silence, then Patrick spoke.  

   "There once was a very adventurous cornflake..."

   "No!" Adam said.

  "Ok then, have you heard about the pink gorilla?" Patrick said irrepressibly.

   "Nooo!!!" Agnes and Tom joined Adam's exclamation of disgust.

   Ruth winked at Patrick, and began to speak.  "Well...Cecil is a caterpillar, and Cecil is my friend..."




The End.

Hilarity Ensues Episode 10, part 6

   The Earth dwellers followed Zoe and Will into the main tower of the castle.  There, in a large hall, the members of the Bognorian Senate had gathered, together with many of the pirates and astroninjas.  On a platform at one end of the hall stood the chief ninja and Queen Argent.  Between them stood someone who Ruth assumed was Friderts, a tall fair humanoid looking angry, disappointed and rather scared.

   The Senate members stood up as Will and Zoe entered, and bowed as they walked the length of the hall to the platform, followed by the Earth-dwellers.  Friderts put on a nasty little smile, and made a mock bow as they climbed the steps towards him.

   "Welcome back, your majesties," he said sarcastically.  "I am pleased to see that you have finally decided to return to this humble planet of your birth.  I was much afraid that your alien friends had seduced you into remaining on Earth."

   "Alien friends?" Agnes whispered.

   "He means us," Patrick said.  "I suppose here we are aliens."

   "I don't think he means it in a nice way, though," Ruth said worriedly.

   "None of that, Friderts," Zoe said.  "We've heard your lies to the Senate, that we had abandoned the planet.  Lies told when you knew full well that we were on our way home.  Oh yes, you knew, because of the dragoon robot you planted in our ship to spy on us.  We thought it was dead, but it wasn't, was it?  Only your tampering with it's systems sent it insane- a shame you weren't better at electro-engineering!  Even after we'd removed pieces, when its' systems came into contact with other dragoons they turned on us and tried to kill us!  It would have looked just like an accident, if it had worked.  And you hoped that even if it didn't kill us the people at the base would blame us and keep us prisoner, and that nearly worked too.  But we got away, only to be attacked again by astroninjas in your pay.  Try to deny that; their chief is here to speak for them.  But it seems we proved a little harder to kill or imprison than you thought."

   Friderts looked from Zoe to Will and back again.  "Very well, I won't try to deny what I did," he said.  "But I did it to save the planet from the disastrous consequences of a disputed succession."

   "What dispute?" said Will.  "There is none that I know of."

   "Allow me to produce a witness, here before the Senate, and you will know," Friderts said.  Will and Zoe looked at each other and shrugged.  "Very well," Will agreed.  Friderts spoke to the chief ninja, who took a couple of his troops and left the hall.  Queen Argent remained standing beside Friderts, tall, fierce and determined.

   Will sat down on the steps leading onto the platform, and rested his head on his hands.  "What's up?" Zoe asked him, sitting down too.  The travellers gathered around them.  "Oh, nothing," he said.  "I just can't help wondering...I don't really want to be king."

   "What?" said Ernest.  "But I thought you did.  What was the point of fighting if you didn't?"

   "Once you've settled down it'll be ok," said Emma.

   "It's not that," he said.  "But I don't want to be tied down here.  I loved Earth.  I...I want to go back.  I don't want to be separated from you guys."  He spoke as if to them all, but his eyes were on Sarah.  She moved closer to him.  The others looked at one another awkwardly.

   "But it's your duty," Zoe began.

   "I know," Will said dully.  "I must do it."

   The chief ninja re-entered the hall.  Following him between two ninjas was an elderly woman who looked terrified, as if she expected someone to harm her.  She's been a prisoner for some time, Ruth thought.  Poor woman.

   Friderts turned to Will as he stood up.  "This was your nurse as a baby," he said.  "But what a story she has to tell!"

   Will turned to the old woman.  "Tell me," he said.  "You don't need to be afraid."  She looked up at him without much hope in her eyes and began to speak.  

   "The royal prince was by the king entrusted to my fond care, ere I grew old and crusted," she said.  "But I was a stupid nursery-maid, and my lord Friderts found our about some of my mistakes, and threatened to reveal them to the queen unless I did as he said.  He told me to take the baby prince and replace him with another baby, which he would give me.  That baby was not of the royal family, or even of this planet, but a human child, stolen from an orphanage!"

   There were gasps from the Senate.  The travellers watched Will.  His eyes were focused on the old lady, his expression shocked.  Sarah put an arm around his shoulders, but he barely seemed to notice.  Friderts stood by, quietly watching with a satisfied smile on his face.  

   "I did as he told me," the nurse said nervously, "although I am ashamed of it now.  I stole the prince, and put the human baby in the cot instead.  His parents never knew.  The prince I took to Friderts, who laughed and said that he would send the prince to Earth, where the he would be abandoned to die, or to live in poverty and obscurity in an orphanage.  Then, once the prince came of age, Friderts would be able to create havoc by saying that he was not the king's child, demanding a DNA test and proving it, thereby casting shame on the queen's head and jeopardising the succession.  But- that isn't quite what happened." she stopped and looked up at Friderts, who suddenly seemed very alert.  The smile had disappeared.

   "What did happen?" Ruth asked gently.  "We need to know the truth."

   "The baby and I were aboard the ship, ready to leave, when I knew that I couldn't do it.  But Friderts had threatened to kill me if I told anyone else.  So I told my sister I was in trouble, that I'd had a baby but couldn't look after him or I'd loose my job at the palace.  She worked aboard one of the big interplanetary liners.  I gave the baby to her, and she smuggled it aboard her ship, and they left.  She kept the child with her until a few years later they were attacked by pirates."

   There was an exclamation from further down the hall.  Queen Argent's quartermistress came up to the platform as fast as her stout body would allow her.  The elderly nurse stared at her and cried out in Bognorian.  The two long-lost sisters embraced.  

The story continues...

Hilarity Ensues Episode 10, part 5

  The main battle for the castle just seemed to Ruth to be a hideous confusion of noise and movement.  Once they were through the castle walls her small group headed for the area where, according to the Bognorian nobles who were guiding them, prisoners were kept.  They didn't know if they would find Adam and the noble Agorna there, or even if they were still alive, but it seemed the best place to start looking.

   The door to the dungeons was guarded, of course, but the pirates were able to take care of that.  Once inside they hurried down the steep stone stairs to a guard room where keys to all the cells were hanging on the wall.  A couple of surprised guards tried to stop them but failed.  Some of the group tried to work out which key fitted which door, while others ran along the corridors looking through the tiny peepholes on the cell doors to try and find the missing emissaries.  

   "Here," Patrick called out suddenly.  "They're here!"

   "What number?" Ruth called.

   "Forty seven!" he yelled.  Tom grabbed the key and they ran towards Patrick at the end of the corridor.

   "Are they ok?" Agnes demanded, reaching the door as Tom fitted the key into the lock.

   "I'm not sure," Patrick said.  "They looked like they were asleep..." The door opened and they hurried into the small room beyond.  Adam was lying on a hard bed.  

   "Adam?  Adam!" They tried to wake him, but it was no good.  Anxiously Ruth felt for a pulse, fearing the worst.  She found it, with great relief, and she could see him breathing.  But neither he nor the Bognorian lord Agorna, who they found in the next cell would wake up.

   "They must be drugged," Tom said.  "We'll have to carry them."  They managed to improvise a couple of stretchers from the bedding in the cells, and the Bognorian lords and the pirates helped to carry them back up the corridor.  

   But when they reached the doorway back into the courtyard they found that their enemies had got there before them.  

   "Back the other way!" Tom shouted.  The pirates held their opponents back while the others ran back along the corridor.  At the far end it went up some steps and into a stone-built room with sinks and fireplaces- a kitchen.  There was another door at the far side.  Ruth tried to open it.

   "It's locked!" she cried.  "We're trapped!"  The others set the stretchers down and began pushing at the door but it was no use.

   The pirates took up positions by the open door.  "They're right behind us," one said as they turned to hold back the enemy as long as possible.  But one of the enemy soldiers had managed to slip past and began advancing on the group clustered round the unmoving door.  They shrank back into the corner.  Ruth pulled open a drawer behind her and grabbed a knife.  In blind fear and panic she threw it at the soldier.  The piece of cutlery struck the soldier- and bounced off.  Ruth stared blankly at it as it lay in the floor.  It was not a knife she had pulled from the drawer but a tablespoon!

   The soldier grinned nastily and continued to advance on her.  Ruth scrabbled in the drawer but could not find a knife.  And despite the soldier's immediate proximity she was not sure sure if she could have used it if she had.  He loomed over her and she shut her eyes in fear.

   A second of anticipation seemed to last an age.  Then she felt Patrick touch her arm and call her name.  She opened her eyes to see her assailant lying on the floor, cut down by one of the pirates who had managed to get away from the fighting at the door.  

   She looked round.  The closed door now stood open, and the others were carrying the stretchers through.  "There was a bolt at the top," Patrick said.  "Are you all right?"  Ruth felt very foolish.  "Let's get out of here," she said.

   Along another corridor, down more steps and through another door and they were out into the main castle courtyard.  The main battle was almost over.  Ninjas and pirates were pursuing fleeing enemies around the area inside the castle walls.  What exactly had happened Ruth and her party weren't sure about, but it was apparent that Will and Zoe had won.

   Ruth saw Will and Zoe coming towards them.  "We've won!" Zoe said exultantly.  "The castle is ours, and Friderts is our prisoner.  He tried to slip away disguised as a soldier but he was found.  We're just going to see him now."

   Agnes pointed to the stretchers.  "They're alive, but it looks like they've been drugged," she said.  "Can you help them?"

   Will knelt beside Adam.  "They're not drugged," he said.  "It's a kind of trance."

   "How can we wake them?" Patrick asked.  The other Earth-dwellers were gathering around them.  

   "I believe it is sound sensitive," Will said, looking at the two unconscious victims.  "We can only free them by finding a piece of music similar to the one played to put them in the trance.  But I do not know what that will be like." 

   "Must be a girls' chorus," Agnes muttered.  "Some of them are enough to send you to sleep."

   "Is this really the time for jokes?" Emma snapped angrily.

   "No, maybe you're on to something," Will said.  "What's the worst one?"  Ruth began to sing:

"In lazy languor motionless, 

We lie and dream of nothingness,

For visions come 

From Poppydom

Direct at our command."  

   Those who knew the song- not many- joined in.  For a while nothing seemed to be happening.  Then Will, who was watching Adam's face saw his eyelids flutter.  

   "It's working," Will said.  He looked across at Agorna.  The song finished, and he had not stirred.  

   "Something else," Will said.  This time Patrick began and Ruth joined in.

   "Oh love, true love,

Unworldly, abiding

Source of all pleasure

True fountain of joy."

   After a moment Adam's eyes were wide open, and he put his hands to his ears.  Agorna stirred and his eyes opened too.  Ruth bent down to hug Adam.  "Are you ok?" she asked.  "I think so," he said.  "They wouldn't even listen to us, but put these headphones on us and...I don't remember any more."

   "Come on," said Zoe, grim faced.  "We need to see uncle Friderts."

The story continues...